Extracts from a recently discovered fifth gospel.
The Last Supper
And his disciples went forth, and came into the city, and found as he said unto them: and they made ready for the Passover. And in the evening he cometh with the twelve.
And as they did eat, Jesus took bread, and blessed, and brake it, and gave to them, and said, "Did you see the footy this afternoon? I couldn't believe it, Beckham was never offside. That referee should be shot." And he took the cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them: and they all drank of it. And he said unto them, "What is this stuff?? I've told you before, I'm not drinking any more of that Tesco Value rubbish. It tastes like yak's piss. Verily I say unto you, get down to Threshers and bring me back some Liebfraumilch and a couple of Babychams. Now start handing out the Ferrero Rocher before I really lose my temper."
The Garden and Judas' Betrayal
And while he yet spake, lo, Judas, one of the twelve, came, and with him a great multitude with swords and staves, from the chief priests and elders of the people.
Now he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying, "OK, I've hidden the eggs around the garden, so when I give the signal, you've got 10 minutes to find them."
And forthwith he came to Jesus, and said, "Just between you and me, I wouldn't eat the Creme Eggs. They've been on the back seat of my car for 3 days and they're a bit manky."
Jesus Before Pilate
Pilate saith unto them, "What shall I do then with Jesus which is called Christ? He's got a couple of eggs, but I happen to know they were buy one get one free at Asda, and frankly you pay for the packaging."
And all say unto him, "Dress him in a bunny suit. That'll learn 'im."
And the governor said, "Why, what evil hath he done? The egg might be thin, but there's a bag of Smarties inside."
But they cried out the more, saying, "And make him hand out chocolate carrots to all the children too."
When Pilate saw that he could prevail nothing, but rather a tumult was made, he took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, "Dammit, that fondant icing gets everywhere. Is there any on my chin?"
Jesus is Crucified
And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand; and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying "Is that a Toblerone in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see us?"
And when they were come to the place, which is called Cadbury, there they crucified him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, and the other on the left. Then said Jesus, "OK, where's Beadle? This has got to be a wind up."
Jesus Dies
And it was about the sixth hour, and there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And the sun was darkened, and the veil of the temple was rent in the midst. And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, he said, "Good God, I'm missing the Poseidon Adventure on TV! Did anyone set the video?" And having said thus, he gave up the ghost. Now when the centurion saw what was done, he glorified God, saying, "Certainly this was a righteous man. But the Stars in Their Eyes Grand Final is on the other side."
Jesus is Risen!
And very early in the morning, the first day of the week, they came unto the tomb at the rising of the sun. And they said among themselves, "Yeah, but she was 101 - how much longer did you expect her to keep going? All those fish bones were bound to have an effect sooner or later."
And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great. And entering into the tomb, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white chocolate garment; and they were affrighted. And he saith unto them, "Bloody hell, that's the last time I eat a whole box of caramel eggs in one night. Anyone got any Alka-Seltzer?"
So then, after the Lord had spoken unto them, he was received up into heaven and sat on the right hand of God. Then he dipped the right hand of God into a bowl of warm water as he slept. And lo, God wet the bed. Amen.
