CAST OF CHARACTERS
ROBYN - Female, age anywhere from late teens to 40s.
PETE - Male, should be similar in age to Robyn. Dressed casually in jeans.
MALCOLM - Male, age anywhere from late 20s to 50s.
(A wide ledge, high on the exterior of an office block. The ledge is occupied by PETE and ROBYN who are pinned with their backs against the wall, facing front. Robyn is a few feet to the right of Pete. To the right of Robyn is a large window. Robyn is anxious, looking down nervously, Pete is more relaxed. He looks across at Robyn.)
PETE
Do you come here often?
ROBYN
Shut up.
PETE
Just trying to make conversation.
ROBYN
Well don't. I didn't come here to talk.
PETE
Me neither. Damn office no-smoking policy. This is the only place you can have a fag nowadays.
ROBYN
Why don't you just sod off and die?
PETE
Believe me, it's on the agenda.
ROBYN
Well jump then. Get off my ledge.
PETE
Your ledge? I think you'll find I was here first. If anyone has squatter's rights over this place, it's me.
ROBYN
I'm sorry - I didn't realise I needed an appointment to chuck myself off a building. I'll be sure to ring ahead next time.
PETE
It's a popular location this. Panoramic views, plenty of fresh air. You have to turn up early to beat the rush. I was here first thing this morning.
ROBYN
Isn't it about time you got on with it then?
PETE
Maybe. I think I have a problem with motivation. I can get myself across town and up a few flights of stairs, but when it comes to it, stepping off a ledge is just too much like hard work.
ROBYN
But worth the effort.
PETE
You'd be rubbish as a suicide counsellor.
ROBYN
You came here to jump, so jump. I'm not going to stop you.
PETE
Nice to know you care. Well don't worry - if one more pigeon craps on my head, I'm outta here.
(Robyn looks up.)
ROBYN
God, I hate pigeons. They're just rats with wings.
PETE
Try telling that to Lloyd Grossman. He'll roast their tits as soon as look at the buggers.
ROBYN
If there are pigeons in the afterlife, I'm coming straight back.
PETE
You've got a return ticket then?
ROBYN
Nothing's forever. Haven't you heard of reincarnation?
PETE
Come again?
ROBYN
Very funny.
PETE
Knowing my luck I'll come back as a lemming.
ROBYN
You don't have the drive to be a lemming. No lemming would still be up here after all this time.
PETE
I might feel more motivated as a rodent.
ROBYN
Only one way to find out. Jump.
PETE
What's this obsession you have with my death anyway? Don't you think you should be concentrating more on your own? I mean, that is why you're here, isn't it?
ROBYN
I don't function well in company. You're making me edgy. The sooner you're gone, the sooner I can sort myself out.
PETE
Well it's nice to know my death has a purpose. Now I know how Jesus felt.
ROBYN
Don't bring up religion, for god's sake.
PETE
For whose sake?
ROBYN
Sod off.
PETE
We've been there before. You should be more friendly. Karma and all that. Could be your last chance.
ROBYN
I think it's a bit late for good deeds now.
PETE
Oh I don't know. Talk me down, save my life - that ought to be good enough for one of the comfy chairs in heaven.
ROBYN
I couldn't live with myself if I knew I'd saved your life.
PETE
Well there you are then. Silver linings all round. We'll both be out of here in no time.
ROBYN
Sod off.
PETE
You should work on expanding your vocabulary.
ROBYN
Fuck you.
PETE
A variation on a theme. Wanna go for the hat-trick?
ROBYN
You know, I'm glad you're killing yourself. If I had to live with your personality, I'd be suicidal too.
PETE
See, now we're getting somewhere. We only met five minutes ago, and already you understand me.
ROBYN
To know you is to hate you.
PETE
I've got that on a t-shirt somewhere.
ROBYN
Well I'm happy to confirm that all your self doubts are accurate. You really are an annoying prat.
PETE
That's what I tried to tell the doc. He said it was just low self esteem.
ROBYN
He doesn't know you like I do.
PETE
Well he and I never really talked. We had an understanding. He stared, I squirmed, then we went our separate ways for another week. Let's just say it worked for us both.
ROBYN
That must be why you're up here now.
PETE
Hey, I'm talking more than I have for years. The doc would be proud of me.
ROBYN
Well thank god I was here to witness it. Now sod off.
PETE
You'd feel awful if I jumped now. We've bonded.
ROBYN
I'd learn to live with it.
PETE
You must be a fast learner - I thought you had a lunch date with the Grim Reaper?
ROBYN
I have. And you're making me late.
PETE
You're just looking for excuses to stand him up. If you really wanted to jump, you'd have done it by now.
ROBYN
Says he, the man who's been up here since dawn.
PETE
I didn't say I've been here since dawn. I don't get out of bed before Kilroy. Are you new to this or what?
ROBYN
Don't you dare play one-upmanship with me. I know about depression thankyou very much.
PETE
Got the Samaritans on speed dial?
ROBYN
BT Friends and Family.
PETE
Oooh nice touch. Ok, I'll let you off.
ROBYN
Well now you've checked my credentials, there's really no need for you to stay.
PETE
Ladies first.
ROBYN
Don't think I won't.
PETE
Oh but I do. You have no intention of jumping today.
ROBYN
You're in for a shock then aren't you.
PETE
Unless it's an evolutionary jump and you sprout wings. There's no way you'd step off that ledge without them.
ROBYN
Well congratulations. Now you can add 'being wrong' to the already endless list of faults you possess.
PETE
As long as you're still here, I'm not wrong.
ROBYN
Right, well we can soon change that.
(She takes a small step closer to the edge.)
PETE
I'm not worried. I know you won't do it.
ROBYN
My only regret is that I won't be here to say 'I told you so'.
PETE
You will be here, you just won't be able to say it.
ROBYN
You think you're so clever don't you. Well let me know how it feels to have someone else's death on your conscience.
PETE
I'll look you up at the lemming convention.
ROBYN
Good.
PETE
Except that you won't be there. You'll still be on that ledge.
ROBYN
Oh I'll be there. It's my chance to prove you wrong. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
PETE
So many reasons to jump, and still you won't do it.
ROBYN
It's stunning how wrong one man can be.
PETE
You're going then?
ROBYN
Yup. Right now.
(She peers over the edge. Pete suddenly points up at the sky.)
PETE
Oh my god, what's that??
ROBYN
What??
PETE
A pig just flew past.
ROBYN
Git.
PETE
Sorry, didn't mean to delay you.
ROBYN
The first thing I'm doing when I get to heaven is telling God not to make another human being like you.
PETE
Yeah, I'm sure he welcomes advice from atheists.
ROBYN
I'm not atheist, I'm agnostic.
PETE
You're just scared of commitment.
ROBYN
Only scared of jumping to baseless arrogant conclusions.
PETE
That is so September the 10th.
ROBYN
Your blueprint's going straight on the fire, mister.
PETE
The fires are in hell. Or are you and God having a barbecue?
ROBYN
I hope the mother of all pigeons craps on your head the moment I'm gone.
PETE
I know you don't mean it, but thanks.
ROBYN
I mean it. Give me time and I'll come back and do the job myself.
PETE
Anything to get back onto this ledge huh?
ROBYN
Piss off, I'm going.
(She moves to the very edge and looks down.)
PETE
So this is goodbye then?
ROBYN
No, this is good riddance.
PETE
You're really going?
ROBYN
I'm really going.
PETE
No kidding this time?
ROBYN
Deadly serious.
PETE
Sure?
ROBYN
Sure.
PETE
Safe journey then. Don't forget to write.
ROBYN
Sod off.
PETE
And ask God for a new phrasebook while you're there.
ROBYN
Right, that's it.
(Robyn takes a step forward. With one foot hovering over the edge, about to step off, the window to her right suddenly opens. MALCOLM appears at the window and leans out. Distracted, Robyn takes a step back onto the ledge and turns to look at him.)
MALCOLM
Miss Farrow, don't do it!
ROBYN
(to Malcolm)
Sod off.
PETE
Hey, I thought that was OUR phrase? I didn't know you used it with other men.
ROBYN
(to Pete)
And you can sod off too.
PETE
Aww thanks, I feel better now. Go talk to him, I won't get jealous, I promise.
MALCOLM
It is Miss Farrow isn't it?
ROBYN
(to Malcolm)
How many other women do you see on this ledge?
PETE
Don't look at me. I'm in touch with my feminine side, but I don't have the chocolate cravings.
MALCOLM
I'm sorry. Miss Farrow, my name's Malcolm. I'm a trained suicide counsellor.
PETE
Malcolm? What are you doing down the end, shouldn't you be in the middle?
ROBYN
(to Pete)
Your cultural references are truly pitiful.
MALCOLM
Miss Farrow...?
ROBYN
(irritably, to Malcolm)
What??
MALCOLM
Try to keep calm. I only want to talk to you.
PETE
He's such a pro. I knew he was qualified from the way he screamed "Don't jump!".
ROBYN
That's the whole first term in counselling college.
MALCOLM
Miss Farrow...?
ROBYN
For God's sake, will you stop saying that? You sound like Sinatra.
PETE
(to Robyn)
And you have the nerve to criticise MY cultural references. You really should get out more.
MALCOLM
(to Robyn)
How about coming inside for a while?
PETE
That's the alternative view. Do you have a TV, Malc? I think we're missing Neighbours.
ROBYN
(to Malcolm)
I'm not going anywhere.
PETE
Yeah, you're right, we can always catch the teatime repeat.
ROBYN
(to Malcolm)
If I want to commit suicide, that's my business, so sod off.
MALCOLM
You can't commit suicide any more.
ROBYN
Watch me.
MALCOLM
No, I mean suicide is no longer a crime. It can't be committed.
PETE
Well thank God you turned up with the legal technicalities Malc. The only thing keeping me up here was my fear of prison.
ROBYN
Nice to know I won't be arrested once they scrape me off the pavement.
PETE
You mean you're still planning to jump?
ROBYN
Don't you start.
PETE
I just thought that with the sterling work being done by our new buddy Malcolm down there, you might have changed your mind. He's making ME feel better already.
MALCOLM
I'm sorry Miss Farrow.
PETE
Of course, in an ideal world he'd spend less time apologising, but all in all I've felt better about myself since the moment he arrived.
MALCOLM
I'm not trying to make anyone do anything they don't want to here.
PETE
You haven't read your job description, have you Malc.
MALCOLM
I just want to talk. Find out how you feel. Why you're here.
PETE
(to Robyn)
I think he's flirting with you.
ROBYN
For God's sake, I just wish everyone would leave me alone! I don't want to talk! Why can't you all just sod off?
PETE
Well I don't know about Malcolm, but I've grown attached to this place. It would be a wrench to leave now.
ROBYN
For fuck's sake. Why today? Of all the days I could've chosen, why'd I pick this one?
PETE
You're assuming I wasn't here yesterday.
ROBYN
Shut the fuck up!
MALCOLM
Um... please try to keep calm Miss Farrow. We don't want you doing anything you'd regret.
PETE
Are you speaking for both of us there Malc?
ROBYN
(to Malcolm)
I won't be capable of regretting anything - I'll be dead you idiot. And frankly it would be a blessed relief. And an assisted suicide. On two counts.
MALCOLM
I'm sorry... let's just take a breather for a moment. I really didn't mean to make things worse. Perhaps I could get you something?
PETE
I suppose a pizza's out of the question?
ROBYN
(to Malcolm)
If it'll get rid of you, yeah, you can go get some food. Vegetarian.
PETE
You're a veggie?
ROBYN
I value life.
PETE
Love that irony.
MALCOLM
Good. That's excellent. I'll see what I can do. You stay right there.
PETE
Oh she will, Malc, she will.
ROBYN
(to Pete)
Don't count on it.
(Malcolm closes the window and disappears.)
PETE
I liked Malcolm.
ROBYN
You and he had a lot in common.
PETE
There's no need for insults. You'll make me suicidal.
ROBYN
About bloody time.
PETE
You realise of course that his offer of food was just a ploy to keep you up here a bit longer.
ROBYN
It's immaterial. I have no intention of changing my plans for the sake of some garlic bread.
PETE
You sure? If you haven't jumped in thirty minutes, the pizza's free.
ROBYN
If I stay here with you another half an hour, no counsellor in the world would begrudge me my suicide.
PETE
Hang on, did I detect a thinly veiled dig at me in there?
ROBYN
No, you detected an undisguised sod off.
PETE
I think you're mellowing. It must be the effect Malcolm has on you. The talking cure. Amazing what a bit of therapy can do.
ROBYN
Leaning out of a window and saying sorry three times isn't therapy.
PETE
You were counting then? That's a bit obsessive compulsive if you ask me.
ROBYN
Thankyou for the psychiatric assessment. What happened to your compulsion to jump? I wouldn't mind a bit more obsession there.
PETE
Nah, I prefer delusions to OCDs. I think maybe I was kidding myself about jumping.
ROBYN
Now you tell me.
PETE
Oh, and in case you're wondering, an OCD is -
ROBYN
I know what an OCD is, thankyou very much. I've told you before, I've got the credentials for this ledge.
PETE
You have an OCD?
ROBYN
I scratch.
PETE
Like a DJ?
ROBYN
Like an itchy person.
PETE
It's probably nits.
ROBYN
Sod off.
PETE
Only trying to help.
ROBYN
Yeah right. You're a virgin in that department.
PETE
Still, it's nice to know they've scrapped the death penalty for suicide, isn't it?
ROBYN
You expect me to respond to that?
PETE
You could declare an interest.
ROBYN
The legal implications of my death are of no interest to me.
PETE
That's all very well for you to say, but do you really think God would let you into heaven if your last act on earth was to break the law?
ROBYN
He'd understand. He's programmed to forgive.
PETE
So your case basically rests on a man you don't believe in, letting you off your crimes on account of... what? You have an innocent face?
ROBYN
Extenuating circumstances.
PETE
Temporary insanity?
ROBYN
Not temporary.
(She reaches into a pocket and pulls out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. She removes a cigarette and proceeds to light it.)
PETE
You shouldn't smoke y'know, it'll kill you.
ROBYN
I wish.
PETE
Not to mention passive smoking. You're taking two minutes off my life there.
ROBYN
I guess that means you don't jump in the next two minutes then. If you were going to, you'd be dead now.
PETE
I think you're losing touch with reality.
ROBYN
That would be nice.
(Robyn sits down on the ledge, her legs dangling over the side, and starts to smoke the cigarette.)
PETE
You realise you're sitting on pigeon shit there?
ROBYN
I'll live with it. For now.
PETE
Fair enough.
(Pete sits down too.)
ROBYN
Sheep.
PETE
Is it me, or did you just say "sheep"?
ROBYN
You, you're a sheep. One of life's followers. I sit down, you sit down. You can't do anything for yourself.
PETE
Do I need to remind you who was here first?
ROBYN
Yeah, and until I leave, you'll still be there, waiting for someone to tell you what to do.
PETE
You told me to jump. I didn't do that.
ROBYN
Well no one ever listens to me.
PETE
Sorry, did you say something?
ROBYN
Git.
PETE
You sound like my doctor.
ROBYN
You sound like mine.
PETE
What do you mean?
ROBYN
Exactly.
PETE
Well you can't expect everyone to understand you like I do.
ROBYN
I've learnt that. I've laid myself open for people to poke around in my head too many times as it is. Why do you think I'm here?
PETE
The nice view?
ROBYN
You reach the stage where you can't even remember what you were like before any of this descended. And then it hits you - maybe this is just who you are. It's all just a part of you, and this is as good as it gets.
PETE
And then you tell yourself to sod off.
ROBYN
My life is like watching a car crash.
PETE
You can survive a car crash with the right airbags.
ROBYN
Not with the wreck I drive. It's a death-trap.
PETE
You should invest in a shiny new model then.
ROBYN
I don't have the emotional cash. If money's the root of all evil, I'm a fucking saint.
(She takes a long drag on her cigarette.)
PETE
It's just a ride y'know.
ROBYN
Well I want to get off.
PETE
But once you do, there's no getting back on. Lemming or no lemming, you'll be stuck in the car park watching people looping the loop, screaming with laughter, having the time of their lives.
ROBYN
And throwing up two minutes later.
PETE
That's part of the ride. You throw up, you rejoin the queue, you go round again.
ROBYN
Until it's time to go home.
PETE
It's not hometime yet.
ROBYN
It is. I'm stuck. Languishing in some cold hard place at the bottom of myself, where all the sludge sits. The black greasy place where no one can reach. And I'm sick of holding the mask to my face.
PETE
You throw up, you rejoin the queue.
ROBYN
I don't think I can any more. There's a blunt edge of something keeping me down here. A dark sticky wave. I can't move.
PETE
Ok, you take a time-out, you buy some candyfloss, you flick peanuts at small children when they're not looking. But you don't go home. Not yet. They won't let you back in.
ROBYN
I don't want to go back in.
PETE
You will, once you're home. When you see the dross on TV, and the peeling paint, and the tatty curtains. You'll forget how sick you felt, and you'll want to get back on that ride.
ROBYN
I wouldn't ever be that stupid.
PETE
Sometimes you need to be. You need to make the most illogical decisions. Going home makes total sense. Only a fool would stay. But the world was made for fools. It's set up for people too stupid to think about what they're doing.
ROBYN
So why the hell would I want to join them?
PETE
Because the day will come when the ride doesn't make you sick any more. When you can loop the loop without throwing up, and you come off laughing each time, running to rejoin the queue.
ROBYN
Seems unlikely. I rarely move that fast.
PETE
You're at the donut stand. It's where all the best people hang out. All the thinkers, all the watchers. But it's not the place to be. You should be back in that queue with the idiots.
(Robyn takes another long drag on her cigarette, then stubs it out on the ledge.)
ROBYN
Your metaphors suck.
PETE
So does my vacuum cleaner.
(The window opens and Malcolm appears.)
MALCOLM
Miss Farrow?
PETE
Malcolm! Thank God you're back!
(He stands up.)
PETE (CONT'D)
Where's my pizza?
(Malcolm pushes a carrier bag out onto the ledge.)
MALCOLM
It's not much I'm afraid, but it's the best I could do in the time. It's all vegetarian though.
PETE
Oh my god, you haven't brought me cous-cous have you Malc?
(Robyn turns and pulls the bag towards her.)
ROBYN
Ok, thanks.
MALCOLM
Perhaps while you eat, we could talk?
ROBYN
I don't talk with my mouth full, it's impolite.
PETE
Unlike telling people to sod off, which is the height of modern manners.
MALCOLM
Well perhaps you could just listen while I talk then?
PETE
Oh my god, he's going to give us some of his poetry.
ROBYN
Typical man - loves the sound of his own voice.
MALCOLM
I'm sorry...
PETE
That's number four.
MALCOLM
I'm just trying to find ways of helping you.
PETE
You could start by passing the salt. And bring us the wine list too.
ROBYN
(to Malcolm)
Haven't you got the message yet? I don't want help. I want to be left alone.
PETE
At least until we've finished the main course.
(Malcolm produces some bits of paper and holds them out.)
MALCOLM
I've got some leaflets.
PETE
Pizza coupons?
MALCOLM
You might find them useful. They're written especially for people in your situation.
PETE
(looking at the back of his legs)
Do they have tips on getting pigeon shit out of your jeans?
ROBYN
(to Malcolm)
Sure, written for people in my situation, by people who have never BEEN in my situation.
MALCOLM
Well... I think perhaps -
ROBYN
People who think your whole outlook on life - and death - can be changed by one patronising leaflet and a bit of free food.
PETE
Countless religions have been founded on less.
ROBYN
Well it won't work on me.
MALCOLM
How about if I leave them here? It's up to you then. But think about it - they can't do you any harm.
PETE
You've obviously never had a paper cut, have you Malc.
(Malcolm puts the leaflets on the ledge next to Robyn.)
ROBYN
(to Malcolm)
You can do what you like, as long as you piss off afterwards.
PETE
Don't say that - he'll do ten minutes of stand-up and finish on a song. And I for one can do without Malcolm's version of 'Staying Alive', thankyou very much.
MALCOLM
Ok, well I'll leave you to have a look at those, and I'll pop back in a little while to see how you are.
ROBYN
Do you have to?
MALCOLM
Well... yes, it's my job I'm afraid.
ROBYN
Ever thought of retraining?
MALCOLM
Um... well...
ROBYN
Forget it. You're clearly suited to this line of work. Go on then, you've done your bit, off you pop.
MALCOLM
Read the leaflets, won't you. I'll be back shortly.
ROBYN
Whatever.
(Malcolm closes the window and disappears.)
PETE
You came dangerously close to a conversation at the end there, what happened?
ROBYN
I took pity on the man. You don't realise just how well off you are until you've looked into the vacant, lifeless eyes of a trained suicide counsellor.
PETE
Well it's always good to have someone to look down on.
(He peers over the edge of the ledge.)
PETE (CONT'D)
Not literally.
(He looks across at the bag of food.)
PETE (CONT'D)
Now gimme some of that food, I'm starving.
(Robyn picks up the carrier bag, turns, and puts it on the ledge between herself and Pete.)
ROBYN
Be my guest, I'm not hungry.
(Pete moves closer to Robyn, sits back down, and picks up the bag.)
PETE
I suppose this is what they call a suicide pact lunch.
ROBYN
I've told you before, you're not funny.
PETE
Do you think they've laced it with anti-depressants?
ROBYN
Nothing would surprise me.
(Pete looks in the bag.)
PETE
Oh my god, I'm gonna need the happy pills - they've given us mung bean salad. I feel like slitting my wrists.
ROBYN
Really? Give it here.
PETE
Oh, you've got to be kidding me? You like this stuff? You really do have problems, don't you.
(Robyn takes the container of salad, and a plastic fork.)
ROBYN
What else is in there?
PETE
I thought you weren't hungry?
ROBYN
I've changed my mind. Woman's prerogative.
(Pete looks in the bag.)
PETE
Sandwiches. And a bottle of mineral water. Good grief. I should've told them I was keeping you here against your will. If this was a hostage situation, they'd have given me pizza.
ROBYN
That's the change in the law for you. Now we're no longer criminals, there just isn't the same catering budget.
PETE
(looking in the bag)
You're telling me. Guess what's for dessert.
ROBYN
Death by chocolate?
PETE
I don't think Malcolm quite has your sense of irony. Nope, we have something far more exotic. A packet of Penguins.
ROBYN
The sea bird or the biscuit?
PETE
Biscuit. The sea bird would go straight to your thighs.
(Robyn holds out her hand.)
ROBYN
Gimme.
PETE
P-p-p-pick it up yourself.
(He dumps the bag between the two of them.)
ROBYN
P-p-p-piss off.
(Robyn takes the biscuits from the bag.)
PETE
So what do I get?
ROBYN
You, my friend, get something far more precious.
(She turns, picks up the stack of leaflets, and holds them out to Pete.)
ROBYN (CONT'D)
Here, it's hope on a stick.
PETE
Gee thanks.
(Pete takes the leaflets. Robyn begins eating her salad, as Pete holds up the first leaflet and begins to read aloud.)
PETE (CONT'D)
(reading)
"Cheer up, it might never happen - a guide to looking on the bright side."
ROBYN
It doesn't say that.
PETE
I think you'll find it does.
ROBYN
It does not.
(She snatches the leaflet from Pete's hand, and looks at it.)
ROBYN (CONT'D)
Oh... it does.
(She puts the leaflet down between them. Pete picks it up.)
PETE
This is where the NHS budget goes. If I'd ever paid my taxes, I'd be really quite annoyed.
ROBYN
Oh well, the tax from my cigarettes paid for this salad, so I'm not complaining. It's actually pretty good.
PETE
Well aren't we a happy bunny.
ROBYN
Just making the most of a bad situation.
PETE
That's so like you. You didn't write this leaflet by any chance, did you?
ROBYN
No, but I posed for the photos. That's me in the bikini.
PETE
Poster child for severe depression. What were you thinking?
ROBYN
I was young, I needed the money.
PETE
So you won't mind if I use it as toilet paper then?
ROBYN
Oh don't mention toilets, you'll make me want to go. It's alright for you - you can piss over the side.
PETE
Can, and have.
ROBYN
So that was the localised shower I heard about on the radio this morning.
PETE
The very same. It's just another sign of global warming.
ROBYN
As if the world didn't have enough to worry about without you pissing off buildings.
PETE
I can piss off a lot more than buildings.
ROBYN
You're telling me. I don't know how I've lasted this long.
PETE
You don't count - you were pissed off before you got here.
ROBYN
True. And by the sound of it, I could've been pissed ON as well.
PETE
Life already did that to you. I didn't want to add to your problems.
ROBYN
You're all heart. You sure you won't join me in a mung bean?
PETE
You're trying to make me jump again aren't you?
ROBYN
Nah, that was just a passing phase. I've grown out of it.
PETE
I didn't realise you could be so caring.
ROBYN
I try. Wasn't it the Dalai Lama who said "Take care of yourselves, and eachother."?
PETE
No, it was Jerry Springer.
ROBYN
Both equally valid sources of wisdom.
PETE
Yeah, and both have seen their fair share of punch-ups.
ROBYN
Well there you go then.
(Robyn takes another mouthful of salad.)
PETE
You're enjoying that aren't you?
ROBYN
It's alright.
PETE
I'll look through these leaflets - the recipe's probably in here somewhere.
ROBYN
Something useful in a government leaflet? You're kidding right?
PETE
Sorry, it's the delusions again. I need help.
ROBYN
I'll pop round later with some cold truth. You can warm it up in the microwave.
PETE
You realise you're talking rubbish now, don't you?
ROBYN
Yep. I'm not the one who's deluded.
PETE
I think I preferred it when all you said was 'sod off'.
ROBYN
Nothing's forever.
PETE
This is where we came in.
ROBYN
Not quite. I have chocolate now.
PETE
I knew something had changed.
ROBYN
I think maybe I have enough provisions to keep me going for another day.
PETE
You're gonna rejoin the queue then?
ROBYN
Maybe. I think if I go through all my pockets I can probably find a day pass in there somewhere. Nothing more. But it'll get me back on the ride for another twenty-four hours.
PETE
Think of me when you're throwing up tomorrow.
ROBYN
It's thinking of you that'll make me throw up.
PETE
Love sickness?
ROBYN
No.
PETE
Well I think you've got the right idea - if this is what's on offer as a last meal, it's clearly not time to go.
ROBYN
You're just sore 'cause I won't share my Penguins.
PETE
Your chocolate means nothing to me.
ROBYN
Good. So how about you?
PETE
I think I might take a holiday. There's a whole world of high rise buildings out there. I might go to Dallas. Jump off the book depository onto the grassy knoll.
ROBYN
Well if you're gonna do something, you might as well do it in style.
PETE
Exactly. Alternatively I may just go back to bed until teatime.
ROBYN
Either's good. The latter's VERY good.
PETE
Yeah. You realise of course that Malcolm's going to think his leaflets did the trick here?
ROBYN
I know. But he's such a fragile person, I don't have the heart to let him down. The truth could push him over the edge.
PETE
You're probably right. You have to wrap these people in cotton wool.
(The window opens and Malcolm appears.)
PETE (CONT'D)
Speak of the devil.
MALCOLM
Miss Farrow?
ROBYN
Were your ears burning, Malcolm?
MALCOLM
I'm sorry?
PETE
Oooh number five, right at the death.
ROBYN
(to Pete)
That one doesn't count - it was a 'pardon', not an apology.
MALCOLM
Miss Farrow...? Have you had a chance to look at the leaflets at all?
ROBYN
As a matter of fact I have, Malcolm. And they've done the trick. "It might never happen" - that's really made me see things in a different way.
PETE
(to Robyn)
Oh yeah, like he's really gonna fall for that.
ROBYN
(to Pete)
Shut up, I'm counselling here. This man needs my help.
MALCOLM
Really? You've changed your mind, you'll come inside? That's wonderful news!
PETE
He thinks he's pulled.
ROBYN
(to Pete)
You're just jealous. You've lost me to another man.
MALCOLM
Miss Farrow...?
ROBYN
Don't rush me Malcolm. Your work here is done. Chill for a moment.
(Robyn collects the food together and stands up, holding the bag. Pete also gets to his feet.)
ROBYN (CONT'D)
(to Pete)
Well I suppose I'll be seeing you.
PETE
Bound to at some point.
ROBYN
Brush up on your metaphors for next time. The fairground won't work twice.
PETE
I didn't expect it to work once.
ROBYN
I know. You caught me off guard.
PETE
We know eachother too well.
ROBYN
Not too well, just well enough.
PETE
Fortunately.
ROBYN
Yeah.
PETE
Give my regards to the idiots.
ROBYN
Will do. You never know, I might be one of them someday.
PETE
You're halfway there already.
ROBYN
Git.
PETE
Moron.
(They both smile. Robyn turns and takes a step closer to the window. She stops, then turns back to Pete and gives a wave.)
ROBYN
See you around.
(Pete holds up a hand in farewell. Malcolm leans further out of the window and looks along the ledge in the direction of Pete.)
MALCOLM
Miss Farrow... you do realise there's no one there..?
(Robyn looks back at Pete. They look at eachother in silence for a moment.)
ROBYN
I know. Just talking to myself.
(She turns back to Malcolm.)
ROBYN (CONT'D)
Come on then, let's get outta here...
(Pete calmly steps down from the ledge and walks off stage left, as Robyn climbs in through the window.)
CURTAIN CLOSES
END OF PLAY
