Spider and Fly, by MB Games

Reviewed by Scott Collings

"It's a race, it's a chase, it's fun with Mr Spider."

The board is vaguely flower shaped (it's meant to be a web - ED) and is made out of blue plastic. A white pole juts from the centre, to which a spider is attached.

There are also two dice - a normal six sided one and a dice having only a spider on one of its six faces.

The game is simple enough. Each player gets two plastic 'flies' and the idea is to move your duo of flies around the spiralling board until they reach the end. If, on the special die, you happen to roll a spider, you then get the chance to twirl the spider around the pole (attached by some string). Occasionally the spider will knock a fly off the board. It must then start again.

Personally I think the game is basically fun, but very silly.

SCOTT'S RATING : 8 out of 10



The Land of the Wood

by Phil Gardner


EPISODE 2

Tex Namechanger lay there in the gutter. He owned nothing but the rags he lay in - an army surplus shirt and a pair of novelty boxer shorts with a picture of Saint & Greavsie on the front.

Amazingly on cue, snow began to fall and a few Salvation Army officers wandered past singing carols.

Suddenly Tex heard a jingle in the distance and a galloping of hooves. As if by magic a sleigh drew up, pulled by three reindeer and a cow. Sitting in the sleigh was a short man in NHS glasses, wearing a red outfit and a suspiciously false white beard and nose. The man got out of the sleigh muttering something about having to stand in for striking ambulance crews, and walked over to Tex.

"Oh wow!" cried Tex, "It's Santa Claus! He's come at last, all the way from Lapland, to bring presents to all the good little children of the world!!"

"Er, no actually." said Santa.

With the blinding speed of a man ripping off a disguise, Santa ripped off his disguise, and stood there, exposed.

"Well lo and behold!" said Tex, "It's Ray 'Clive Sinclair' Robinson, the friendly neighbourhood headmaster! What a let down."

Ray delved deep into his snowy nethers and pulled out a large sheet of paper. Much to the dismay of our hero, Ray coughed politely and proceeded to launch himself into his yearly Christmas speech.

"Oh Christmas! Christmas!" bellowed Ray, "The festive season is upon us again. The time of year when Aunt Edna, the old hag, and Uncle Sid, the hen pecked husband, impose themselves on your household for the duration. The time when you're forced to endure 'The Great Escape' with Grandad, and 'The Wizard of Oz' with Gran.

Oh what joy, as we pick up the pine needles from the carpet and throw Uncle Sid into the garden to up-chuck the chocolate liqueurs. Celebrate, as the cat eats the Christmas turkey and little cousin Johnny force feeds brandy to the hamster.

Enjoy, as Uncle Bert says "it were never loike this in moi day" for the 1000th time, and "aye, when oi were a lad, we didn't 'ave none 'o this turkey stuff. We 'ad to make do wiv a bit o' scragg, and woe betide anyone who complained about dat to me owld Ma!"

Laugh, as Gran tells you her memories of the blitz, and about how "that young 'un, Vera Lynn, got us through dat owld bit o' strife".

Ah Christmas! It fair warms the cockles of me heart. Long live Granny's knitted socks!"

And with that, Ray finished. The unusual brevity of the speech astounded Tex.

"Well shiver me timbers!" said Tex enthusiastically. He was so impressed by this display of public speaking that he gave Ray a stirring round of applause. Well this endeared Tex to Ray's bosom for ever, so he produced a pair of eyebrow tweezers from nowhere, and plucked Tex from the gutter. Tex was overcome with emotion.

"Oh Ray, Ray!" he cried, "Take me back beyond the stars to the place they call 'Woodlands'! The home of pupil rights, where my problems will become your problems, and I can really feel I belong! So long have I admired your forthright manner when dealing with pupils two feet taller than yourself! Let me join the establishment, become 'one at Woodlands', and sup forever on the food of learning!!"

"Well I dunno." replied Ray.

"Oh go on, Angel Drops!" egged Tex.

"Alright then. Pick up ten pieces of litter and wear black shoes, and you're in!"

Well that was it. Tex was on his way to stardom, on his way to the best school in Basildon ("and I honestly do believe that" - RJR).

They both climbed into the state of the art white formica sleigh from MFI, and sat down.

Ray picked up the reigns, crying "Away Rudolph, Prancer, Dancer and Ermintrude!! Fly my babies!!"

Nobody moved. Rudolph sneezed and Ermintrude's tail fell off.

"Bloomin' MFI." muttered Ray. "I knew I should've gone to the 'Do It All' down the road."

Well this was no time to sit around wasting time. Without a second thought, Ray resorted to violence, booting Rudolph where it hurts, and with a jolt they were off.

Tex had made it. He'd booked his place on a one way trip to better education. There was no going back now, and Tex knew it. He was on his way to the Land of the Wood, to the school where failure was unheard of, and a new life lay waiting for him.

What will happen to him? Will he fit in? Who will he meet? Does anybody really care?

TUNE IN NEXT MONTH TO FIND OUT!!!


COMING SOON - EPISODE THREE!!!

Read the continuing misadventures of Tex Namechanger, the guy everyone wants to take home to meet mother.

Read how Tex is forced to take French against his will!

Find out how Tex beats the system using nothing but a hot toasted muffin!

Swoon as Tex forms meaningful friendships with members of the VIth form!

IT'S ALL IN NEXT MONTH'S THRILL-PACKED EPISODE!!!



EPISODE 3

Tex and Ray landed at the school gates with a thud.

"Righty-ho," said Ray, "That's it, you're here now, so I'm off back to Kent. There's another school that needs the benefit of 'the bearded man from the south'. I can't let Basildon hog me forever you know."

Ignoring the unintentional disgusting innuendos, Tex looked at Ray in disbelief. "Well bless my soul! Our Ray leaving, and after making such a beautiful Christmas speech as well. I don't know what the world's coming to. They'll be reuniting Germany next!"

"Never mind laddie," said Ray despondently, "from now on you'll be in the hands of Mr 'Do or Di' Davies, the most respected man ever to look like a boiled egg."

And with that he was gone. Tex wandered up to the main gate. All of a sudden a friendly postman cycled by, and without warning tossed an envelope into Tex's hands. It looked suspiciously like a late Valentine's card.

"Oh wow!" cried Tex, "Someone loves me after all!" He tore open the envelope and opened the card. It read "Dear Ratepayer, Happy Valentine's Day. Enjoy your Poll Tax! Love Basildon Council."

"Bloomin' Tories." thought Tex. He walked into the main building. A few first years scuttled away into holes in the skirting board. All was quiet. Tex made his way slowly along the corridor until he came to a door marked 'Headmaster'. The words 'Woodlands School' printed underneath had been crossed out, and some young scamp had scribbled 'Concentration Camp' in their place.

Tex opened the door and went in. There was no one about. On the wall were a few pupils' heads mounted on spikes, with their crimes written underneath. They all had rather startled expressions. "So that's what became of the young tyke who wrote on the door." thought Tex. He wandered over to the other side of the room. On the table there stood a large empty aquarium with a few dead fish lying at the bottom. There was a notice nearby which read 'Due to drought and subsequent hosepipe ban, fish have no water. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.' "Oh well," thought Tex, "Can't be helped."

Tex was just examining a small perverse looking plastic gnome on Mr Davies' desk, when the door burst open with a crash! Tex whirled around, and there in the doorway stood a rather dodgy looking female, barely four feet tall, with a strange grin on her face.

"By gum!" cried Tex, "It's a hyperactive midget!" The midget rushed over and for no apparent reason headbutted Tex in the lower portions. She then promptly sat cross-legged on the floor and started making strange whimpering noises.

"Egad!" cried Tex, "It's an insane hyperactive midget!" Well all this was too much for Tex. He stood there flabbergasted, trying to take it all in. The midget was dressed in sawn-off blue dungarees, a glowing T-shirt and turquoise kickers, and her hair looked like a mop with a parting.

"Heavens above!" cried Tex, "It's a non-conformist hyperactive midget with a strange hairdo! What a school! What a Sixth Form!"

Tex was busy marvelling at this bizarre creature when the door was flung open again. He turned around, and there stood Mr Davies in all his glory. The veins in his bald head were throbbing, his face was bright red, and he didn't look altogether too happy. He stared at Tex, his hypnotic beady eyes piercing what little brain Tex had.

"Ooer," thought Tex, "I don't think he's too pleased with me." Mr Davies snorted like a dragon, smoke coming out of his nostrils, and began to advance slowly on the unsuspecting Tex! Tex cowered in the corner! Armageddon was nigh!

Eeek! What will happen? Will Tex survive? Who is the hyperactive midget in the lederhosen?

FIND OUT IN NEXT MONTH'S EXCITING EPISODE!!!


COMING SOON - EPISODE FOUR OF THE LAND OF THE WOOD!!!

Read the continuing antics of Tex Namechanger, the man of a thousand faces!

Find out what happens when he reveals all to selected members of the VIth form!

Thrill as he is convicted for indecent exposure!

Discover where the hyperactive midget has her hair done!

IT'S ALL IN THE NEXT ISSUE! DON'T MISS IT!!
1989 - 1990

The VIth Form Magazine
©
   Phil Gardner 2003.