(A typical office. MR RICHARDS is seated behind a desk. MR BEST enters through the door.)
MR BEST
Hey Jude!
MR RICHARDS
It's Mr Richards to you. I don't agree with familiarity in the workplace.
MR BEST
I should have known better.
MR RICHARDS
That's ok, take a seat.
(Best examines the chair.)
MR BEST
Norwegian wood!
MR RICHARDS
Swedish actually. You can't beat a nice bit of Ikea.
(Best sits down.)
MR RICHARDS (CONT'D)
Now, Mr Best, I've been looking at your C.V.. You seem to have quite a varied employment history...
MR BEST
Paperback writer... taxman...
MR RICHARDS
And coach driver on a...
MR BEST
Magical Mystery Tour.
MR RICHARDS
Yes. And when did you leave that job?
MR BEST
Yesterday.
MR RICHARDS
I see. Well I admire your tenacity, Mr Best. I do hope the strain of redundancy hasn't taken too much of a toll.
MR BEST
I feel fine.
MR RICHARDS
Well that's good to hear. Out of interest, may I ask when you're hoping to retire?
MR BEST
When I'm sixty-four.
MR RICHARDS
An extra twelve months on the golf course eh? Can't say I blame you. I gather you're a bit of a family man too. You have a good lady wife?
MR BEST
Michelle, my belle.
MR RICHARDS
(looking at the C.V.)
And two children also I see. That's marvellous, I do like a man with a settled home life.
MR BEST
We all live in a yellow submarine.
MR RICHARDS
Oh yes of course, I saw that episode of Changing Rooms. Laurence Llewellyn Bowen has a lot to answer for. Will you be able to redecorate?
MR BEST
(nodding)
With a little help from my friends.
(Best takes out his wallet, removes a small piece of paper, and hands it to Richards.)
MR RICHARDS
(reading)
"Isle of Wight Bus Company...?"
(Surprised, Best takes back the piece of paper and looks at it.)
MR BEST
Ticket to Ryde.
(He puts it back in his wallet, finds the intended item, and hands it to Richards.)
MR BEST (CONT'D)
Tell me what you see.
MR RICHARDS
Um... it appears to be a photo of some people in fancy dress...
MR BEST
I am the walrus.
MR RICHARDS
My god, so you are!
MR BEST
Ask me why.
MR RICHARDS
Why are you dressed as a walrus?
MR BEST
I'm a loser.
MR RICHARDS
Oh come now Mr Best, you're being too hard on yourself. Just look at some of the others. The man in the Teletubby suit has nothing to be proud of. And who's that one in the background?
MR BEST
The fool on the hill?
MR RICHARDS
Yes.
MR BEST
Lovely Rita.
MR RICHARDS
Oh, so that's what your daughter looks like.
(Best takes another photo from his wallet.)
MR BEST
Here comes the son.
(He hands the photo to Richards.)
MR RICHARDS
And a fine looking boy he is too Mr Best. Your children are a credit to you.
MR BEST
Do you want to know a secret?
MR RICHARDS
Go on...
MR BEST
I want to hold your hand.
MR RICHARDS
I beg your pardon?
MR BEST
Hold me tight.
MR RICHARDS
I most certainly will not!
MR BEST
All you need is love.
MR RICHARDS
Not from you I don't! Now leave it, or I'll call my secretary and have you escorted from the building.
MR BEST
Why don't we do it in the road?
MR RICHARDS
Mr Best! You're a married man!
MR BEST
She's leaving home.
MR RICHARDS
Well I don't blame her if this is the way you carry on! I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
MR BEST
We can work it out! It's only love!
MR RICHARDS
I'm sorry Mr Best. I admire any man with his own walrus suit, but I'm simply not interested.
(Richards presses a button on his intercom and speaks into it.)
MR RICHARDS (CONT'D)
Ellie, will you come in here please.
(ELLIE enters through the door. She stops abruptly when she sees Best.)
ELLIE
YOU!!!
(Best looks alarmed.)
MR BEST
Eleanor Rigby!!!
ELLIE
Five years I've waited for this moment! Five long years since the day you walked out on me and the kids!
MR BEST
Let it be...
(Ellie pulls out a hammer from her pocket.)
ELLIE
Bet you never thought you'd see THIS again!!
MR BEST
Maxwell's silver hammer!
ELLIE
That's right. You broke that boy's heart the day you left. And now I'm going to break yours!
(Ellie begins to advance. Best leaps up and grabs the chair, holding it as if taming a lion.)
MR BEST
Get back!!
ELLIE
You're not getting away this time!
(Best drops the chair as Ellie comes at him. Brandishing the hammer, Ellie chases Best once around the office, and towards the door.)
MR BEST
HELP!!!
(Best exits, with Ellie close behind. Richards puts his head in his hands.)
MR RICHARDS
I can't get no satisfaction...
END
