CAST OF CHARACTERS
MARISA Female, 20s. Confident, strong, but not masculine.
FRANKIE Male, mid 40s to 50s. Café owner, with the apron to prove it.
SIMON Male, early 20s. Casually dressed and perhaps a little scruffy.
CHARLES Male, late 50s to 60s. Well spoken, with an air of superiority.
JOHN Male, 20s. Dressed smartly, but not formally.
SALLY Female, about 20. Feminine, arty type.
ACT ONE
(An all-night cafe, shortly after midnight. The cafe entrance is at the rear of the stage, with the shop counter to the left. On the counter sits a bowl of peanuts and a charity collecting box. A cash register is nearby. Behind the counter is a door exiting stage left, with another at stage right, this one marked "Toilets". The area in between is occupied by tables and chairs.)
(FRANKIE is behind the counter. Two tables are occupied, one by SIMON, who is busy writing on a pad of paper, and one by CHARLES, who is dressed as a scruffy bearded tramp, clutching a half empty beer bottle, his head resting on the table. MARISA enters through the main door, looking weary.)
MARISA
Evening Frankie. Get me a cappuccino will you, extra caffeine.
FRANKIE
Rough night huh?
MARISA
Just a bit. I think I must be giving out a scent which attracts idiots.
FRANKIE
Well I hate to say I told you so.
MARISA
Turns out the berks I've been dealing with up to now were just minor members of the moron royal family. Tonight, I finally met their king. Tell me, who in their right mind goes to a massage parlour for a massage?
FRANKIE
Only the most deluded fool, surely? I mean, "massage", "massage parlour", where's the connection?
MARISA
Well it's nice to know the scent is still working its magic. To think I actually expected an intelligent response from you. What's wrong with me?
FRANKIE
You want the Latin name?
MARISA
It's my own fault for always trying to see the best in people.
FRANKIE
This from the girl who has a car sticker which reads "Why do men float? Because they're scum".
MARISA
That's what's known as a joke. And besides, I've met a lot of new and interesting people as a result of that sticker.
FRANKIE
Some of whom have threatened to open fire with automatic weapons.
MARISA
Which proves my point about men. No subtlety. And no sense of humour either. Take this guy today - he turns up and wants to know if we treat neck injuries.
FRANKIE
(to himself)
Talk about putting your head into the lion's mouth...
MARISA
Not that I was surprised - within five seconds of meeting, I already felt the urge to strangle him, so no doubt others had got there before me. But the first rule of public relations - you don't argue with the wallets. So I'm my usual patient and polite self...
(Frankie opens his mouth to speak.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Leave it.
(Frankie closes his mouth.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
... I think ok, fair enough, I'll go with it. So I tell him we have a number of girls with healing hands. Two of whom happen to be Swedish, and they practically invented massage.
FRANKIE
When you say Swedish, what you really mean is...
MARISA
Blonde, yeah. Same difference.
FRANKIE
Well yeah, but one's from Essex and the other bleaches her hair. I don't think they're strictly Scandinavian.
MARISA
Look, do you want this story or not?
FRANKIE
Are you giving me the choice?
MARISA
Not in any real sense, no.
FRANKIE
In that case I'd love to hear it.
MARISA
Good. So... he wants to know if they're qualified osteopaths. Said he'd been involved in a car crash and thought we could help.
FRANKIE
Now that IS a subject you know something about - car crashes. How many points on your license is it now?
MARISA
At least I have a car, unlike some people. You work at night, and travel everywhere underground. People are starting to think you're a mole.
FRANKIE
Nothing wrong with public transport.
MARISA
No, and I'm sure all those baby cows love their veal crates too. Talking of which... got any bagels left? Pastrami?
FRANKIE
Not on hand, but I can make you one up. It'll give me something to occupy my mind while you're talking.
MARISA
Extra pickle too. And don't scrimp on the mayo. Anyway, this guy... in the end I have to tell him our girls may not be medically qualified to the highest standards of Harley Street, but I could probably find him one with basic first aid training.
FRANKIE
Or a nurse's uniform at least.
MARISA
Exactly. So I'm being as helpful as I can. And what thanks do I get?
FRANKIE
None?
MARISA
Even less than that. He starts accusing me of false advertising, saying he's going to report me to trading standards. I told him, it's not even my business, I just answer the phones, what do I know about advertising?
FRANKIE
Or standards.
MARISA
So he pulls out one of our cards and tries to claim it's a legally binding contract. I told him, how many legally binding contracts do you find lying around in phone boxes?
FRANKIE
I wouldn't know. I thought everyone had mobiles these days.
MARISA
In the end I had to tell him straight - Miss Whiplash isn't actually a trained chiropractor.
FRANKIE
She's not? Can I cancel my booking?
MARISA
I tell you Frankie, if Moron City ever needs a mayor, that guy should apply.
(She turns and looks across at Simon, who is still writing at a nearby table.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
And I know one man who'd happily vote him in...
(She turns back to Frankie.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
I see Shakespeare is still gracing us with his presence.
FRANKIE
Yes, and doing his best to make an 80p cup of coffee last all week. He must be close to the record - I've had Norris McWhirter on the phone.
(Marisa picks up her cappuccino and starts to move in the direction of Simon's table.)
MARISA
I'll go and give him a talk on the reality of modern business.
FRANKIE
Talking of which, any chance of you actually paying for any of this?
MARISA
Put it on my slate.
FRANKIE
You don't have a slate.
MARISA
Well then, it's about time you started one for me. You should be encouraging customer loyalty.
(Marisa walks across to Simon's table. She passes Charles, who grunts and stirs. Marisa looks at him, shakes her head, then seats herself at Simon's table, facing him. She looks directly at Simon without speaking, while he tries hard to ignore her and continue writing. Eventually he is forced to acknowledge her presence.)
SIMON
(looking up irritably)
Yes?
MARISA
Nothing.
(She takes a sip of her cappuccino. Simon continues writing.)
SIMON
(looking up again)
What??
(Marisa sips her cappuccino.)
MARISA
This seat's not taken is it...?
SIMON
Only by you. And I don't think we'd fit another arse that size on it would we.
MARISA
Oooh touchy! And there's me trying to be friendly! I was just wondering how the masterpiece is going?
SIMON
Fine.
MARISA
Really? It's just that from here it looks like you're only about... two lines further on from where you were yesterday.
(Simon closes his pad.)
SIMON
Well that just goes to show what you know about writing. There's a lot more to it than just putting words down on paper.
MARISA
I don't think there is actually.
SIMON
There's character development, plot structure, a whole back story which the audience never gets to see - it all has to be worked out in the finest detail.
MARISA
But all your characters ever say is "Die scumbag" and "Eat lead, bitch". Does that require much development?
SIMON
Look, it just so happens that I'm writing about a subculture of violent criminals. That's how they talk. It's the criminal vernacular.
MARISA
You know, now you mention it, I think you're right. I saw Crimewatch the other night, and it was wall to wall appeals for men looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger who shout "Die, bitch whore from hell!" as they blow away old ladies with machine guns. I believe they even say "kerpow" when they hit someone.
(Simon ignores her, and starts writing again, shielding his pad from her eyes.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Still... handy though, isn't it?
SIMON
(after a pause)
What?
MARISA
Well, the fact that your characters happen to be uneducated criminals with limited vocabularies. Makes your job a bit easier...
(Simon does his best to ignore her.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
... cuts down on the number of deep philosophical speeches you have to write anyway...
(He still ignores her.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
... I mean, imagine if your criminals had been university English professors, what then...?
(Simon bristles and stops writing, without looking up.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
You might have to buy a thesaurus...
(Simon slams his pen down and opens his mouth to speak, but as he does, he is interrupted by the sudden movement of Charles, who sits up sharply and exclaims in a loud, well spoken voice.)
CHARLES
Marvellous! I really felt I was getting somewhere there! I could feel myself connecting on a deeper level with the spirit of the homeless. Really feeling their struggle.
(He motions towards Marisa.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Did you see the way the girl looked at me? Disdainful, pitying, hating almost. I could see it in her eyes - the prejudice... it was chilling.
MARISA
But Charles... I knew it was you. That's how I always look at you. And if you're going to wear that false beard, you should expect it too. You look like a folk singer.
(Charles stands up and starts peeling off his beard.)
CHARLES
Tools of the trade, my dear. An actor never leaves home without his props.
(He picks up his bottle of beer and holds it out in the direction of Frankie.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Get rid of this would you, there's a good chap. Can't stand the smell. How anyone can bear to drink it, I don't know. Smells like a yeast infection.
(Frankie takes the beer bottle from him.)
FRANKIE
I'll make sure I dispose of it hygienically for you.
(He walks back towards the counter, drinking the beer. Charles walks over to Simon and Marisa, and sits down.)
CHARLES
(to Simon)
Now my boy, how's my part coming along? Got any speeches for me yet? Something I can really get to grips with?
SIMON
Um...
CHARLES
(to Marisa)
The boy's promised me a part in his film.
MARISA
Oh how lovely! You'll be able to discuss the project together in the dole queue.
CHARLES
Now now, the boy's got talent. He's going places.
FRANKIE
(calling from the counter)
I wish he was.
MARISA
Well it's nice to see a bit of solidarity amongst losers. It's lovely, it really is. As I always say, if you're going to fail, you might as well fail with a friend.
CHARLES
(to Simon)
Ignore her my boy. Now, show me what you've got so far.
(Simon closes his pad.)
SIMON
Well... it's still very much in the developmental stage. I'm playing with concepts, kicking around ideas, building up themes...
MARISA
Can you say "Die scumbag", Charles?
SIMON
(to Marisa)
Is there any reason you're still here?
MARISA
Just trying to help. I mean, if you're going to start dishing out major film roles, you need to make sure your actors are up to the job.
CHARLES
A trained performer can turn his hand to anything, my dear.
MARISA
I'm sure you're right. Especially if he owns a false beard. Talking of which, how have you got time to branch out into films? Won't it interfere with your cutting edge study of alcoholism on the streets?
CHARLES
That's merely a sideline. A way of expanding my range. Adding another dimension to my craft. Not to mention another line to my C.V.
MARISA
And when the BBC start casting a new primetime costume drama about a boozing tramp, you'll be ready.
CHARLES
Absolutely. Now leave us be - we have things to discuss, and you're stifling the creative atmosphere.
MARISA
Well far be it from me to come between you and your assault on Hollywood. I'll let you two cuddle up on the casting couch.
(She gets up and walks back over towards Frankie at the counter.)
FRANKIE
Your bagel's here.
MARISA
Thanks Frankie.
FRANKIE
So did you persuade Steven Spielberg there to part with some of his millions and buy a second cup of coffee?
MARISA
Oh sorry, no, too busy discussing the dramatic arts. But get him a large cappuccino anyway, I'll get the money out of him later.
(The main door opens and Marisa turns to see who it is. JOHN enters, looking nervous, and scans the room. He stops when he sees Marisa, and eyes her up carefully.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Take a photo, it'll last longer.
(John raises his hand, in which he is clutching a photo. He looks at it, then back at Marisa, comparing the two.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Oh my god, he already has. I think I've got a stalker, Frankie.
FRANKIE
Well you're nobody these days unless you've got a couple of stalkers. You must be going up in the world.
(John walks over to Marisa.)
JOHN
Oh, sorry, for a moment I thought you were someone else.
FRANKIE
You looking for a lost dog?
(Marisa picks up a peanut from a bowl on the counter and throws it at Frankie.)
JOHN
Oh, no, I'm supposed to be meeting a girl here...
(He turns back to Marisa.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
...I was just double checking my photo - for a moment I thought it might be you. But it's not...
FRANKIE
(to John)
Lucky escape there mate.
(Marisa throws another peanut at Frankie. John looks at his watch.)
JOHN
I'm a bit early though. I don't expect she's here yet.
FRANKIE
Well what can I get you while you're waiting, my friend?
JOHN
Um... just a coffee please.
FRANKIE
Right, but all coffees now come with a sixty minute time limit, ok?
JOHN
Sorry?
MARISA
Ignore him, he's having a mid-life crisis. So, who's this girl you're meeting then?
JOHN
Oh, her name's Sally. We met on the internet. This will be the first time we've met in person. That's if she turns up!
FRANKIE
Have confidence my friend, of course she'll turn up! It's the second date you need to worry about - you know, after she's met you. No offence.
JOHN
Um... right...
MARISA
(to Frankie)
What do you mean "she"? Haven't you heard what the internet's like? No one ever tells the truth about themselves. She's probably a lonely old man trying to meet young boys.
JOHN
I think actually...
MARISA
I heard the other day about some guy who fell in love with an American girl, and when he flew out there to marry her, she turned out to be a 65 year old woman who kept the body of her dead flatmate in the freezer.
FRANKIE
Isn't that a bit unhygienic? Stuff could ooze out onto your Mini Milks.
MARISA
I think if you put it on fast freeze you can probably get away with it. But the point is, he was one of the lucky ones. At least she turned out to be female.
(Frankie puts John's coffee on the counter.)
FRANKIE
(to John, with deep feeling)
Love can be a cruel mistress.
(John picks up the coffee and puts the money down in its place.)
JOHN
You know, I think I'll go and wait over there.
(He turns and takes a step towards the tables. As he does so, Charles, who has been involved in quiet discussions with Simon, suddenly comes to life, holding out an imaginary gun in front of himself and pointing it, ready to fire.)
CHARLES
(loudly)
Asta la vista baby!
(John stops. Charles and Simon continue their quiet discussions.)
MARISA
(to John)
Don't worry, that's just our little drama workshop. I'll introduce you.
JOHN
No really, it's ok...
MARISA
It's no problem. Ordinarily they don't like to be disturbed, but they always appreciate a bit of input from yours truly. They just don't always show it.
(Marisa picks up her bagel and Simon's cappuccino. As she does, she leans towards Frankie.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
"Love can be a cruel mistress"???
(Frankie shrugs his shoulders. Marisa turns back to John and tries to lead him in the direction of Simon and Charles.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to John)
What did you say your name was?
JOHN
I didn't. But it's John. As in 'Little'.
MARISA
John Little?
JOHN
No -
MARISA
Like the mouse?
JOHN
That's Stuart Little. But it's not Little at all -
MARISA
What isn't?
JOHN
My name. I was just trying to make a joke - you know, 'Little John'.
MARISA
Whatever you say, Stu.
JOHN
John.
MARISA
Right.
(They reach the table where Simon and Charles are still talking.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Pull up a chair then, but no sudden movements - they're shy creatures and they've been known to bite if startled.
(They sit down.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Simon and Charles)
Not interrupting anything are we?
SIMON
Yes.
MARISA
Good.
(She turns to John.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Like I said, they hide their appreciation well.
(She turns back to Simon and Charles.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
I've got someone for you to meet. This is Johnny, but he likes to be called Little John.
JOHN
No -
SIMON
(to John)
Why's that?
(John opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by Charles.)
CHARLES
Small todger is it? Well, we can't all be hung like a horse my boy. Best thing you can do is not to let it worry you.
JOHN
No, I -
CHARLES
A word of advice though - drop the nickname. Show the ladies it's not an issue. Why draw attention to it if you don't have to?
JOHN
No, really -
SIMON
And put a sock down your pants, that's what I do.
(He pauses long enough to realise what he's said.)
SIMON (CONT'D)
I mean -
CHARLES
It's personality that counts anyway. You won't even make it as far as the bedroom without a bit of charisma. And once you're there, you can always turn the lights out.
SIMON
Can I just say, about the sock, what I meant was that other people, not me -
CHARLES
(to Simon)
It's nothing to be ashamed of my boy, that's what I was trying to tell young Johnny here.
SIMON
No, I know, but I was just saying that what OTHER people do -
CHARLES
(to John)
And if you still feel insecure, buy yourself a pit bull terrier.
(John stands up.)
JOHN
Look! Can we get one thing clear - my name is NOT John Little, or Little John, or Stuart, or anything else. It's John Baxter - not Johnny, that's a condom - just John. And I do not, I repeat NOT, have a small penis.
(They all look at him in silence for a moment.)
MARISA
Well I hope you're not going to be like this when your girlfriend gets here.
CHARLES
You have a girlfriend?
JOHN
No. Well, yes. Well, I haven't met her yet.
CHARLES
Oh I see... what is it, some kind of arranged marriage?
SIMON
Are you Indian?
JOHN
Do I LOOK Indian??
SIMON
You could've converted...
JOHN
What???
(John is about to lose his temper, but instead takes a couple of deep breaths.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
No... look... can we just start this over again please. I'm really a very calm person. I'm just a little bit nervous tonight, and we've got off on the wrong foot, that's all.
(He sits back down.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
Now... how about telling me your names?
MARISA
I'm Marisa. And the gormless one here is Simon.
SIMON
I can speak for myself you know.
MARISA
I know, but I do it so much better.
(Charles holds out his hand to John.)
CHARLES
Charles D Cartwright, actor, pleased to meet you sir.
(John shakes his hand.)
JOHN
Charles D Cartwright? What's your middle name, 'Discretion'?
CHARLES
No, David, why do you ask?
JOHN
Um... never mind.
FRANKIE
(calling from the counter)
Hey Marisa, keep an eye on the till for a bit will you, I need to get some stuff from out the back. If anyone tries to rob the place, there's a baseball bat under the counter.
MARISA
I don't know how to play baseball. Have you got a tennis racquet?
FRANKIE
Ha ha. I'll remember that when the police ask me to identify your body.
(Frankie leaves through the door behind the counter.)
MARISA
(to John)
That was Frankie. As you can see, he's very much a people person. Running this cafe is a form of community outreach for him.
(Frankie pops his head back around the door for a moment.)
FRANKIE
And tell your playmates to start spending some money - this isn't a charity.
MARISA
(to Simon)
That reminds me, I got you a cappuccino.
(She pushes the cappuccino across to him.)
SIMON
Oh... that's very kind of you.
MARISA
I know you're too much of a proud man to let me pay for it though, so that'll be one fifty.
(She holds out her hand and Simon reluctantly digs the money out of his pocket and pays her.)
SIMON
Is it true you're giving the Mafia lessons on extortion?
MARISA
No, they couldn't afford my fee.
JOHN
So...
(The others all turn to look at him.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
Um... Charles... you say you're an actor? Might I have seen you in anything?
MARISA
That depends. Have you been down the unemployment office lately?
CHARLES
Thankyou my dear. Periods of rest are crucial in my line of work, to recharge the old batteries and remain fresh.
(He turns to John.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
As it happens, I had a role in 'The Bill' not long ago.
MARISA
Five years ago...
JOHN
Really? What part did you play?
CHARLES
It was a pivotal role. I played a shadowy, nameless man who, at a critical moment in the story, was able to provide the police with the information they required to apprehend a particularly nasty criminal. Without my character's timely intervention, there would have been no satisfactory denouement.
MARISA
Go on, do your line.
CHARLES
Oh, I don't know...
JOHN
Oh yes, go on, I'd love to hear it, really.
CHARLES
Very well. Give me some space...
(He stands up.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
This will only be an approximation. You'd have to see the finished episode to get a proper feel for the atmosphere. Ok, here we go...
(He takes a few deep breaths, composes himself, then adopts a dramatic stance and holds one arm out, pointing.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
"He went that way."
(Charles sits back down, apparently drained by the performance.)
MARISA
(to John)
Now do you see what I have to put up with coming to this place? You meet more normal people in group therapy.
(She pauses self-consciously.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
So I've heard. Anyway, forget them - I want to know about you and this girl of yours. I could do with someone new around here to get my teeth into.
SIMON
She means that literally.
JOHN
Oh, well her name's Sally, as I said. We met in an internet chat room a couple of months ago, and it's just gone on from there really - you know, e-mails, instant messaging, that sort of thing. I fell in love with the way she types!
(He laughs. The others don't.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
So we decided it was about time we moved on to the next stage.
SIMON
Sex?
JOHN
No... meeting up. Face to face. For a coffee or something...
MARISA
I'm not being funny...
SIMON
True.
MARISA
... but have you looked at your watch?
JOHN
Sorry?
MARISA
It's well past midnight. Who in their right mind decides to have their first date at this sort of hour?
SIMON
Vampires?
MARISA
(to Simon)
And of course unemployed film-makers with no life.
SIMON
I'm not unemployed, I'm self employed. There's a difference.
MARISA
Yeah, it puts you in a whole different tax bracket - 'Loser 1' I think it's called. Anyway, be quiet, I'm on the verge of getting something interesting out of John here. I can feel it.
(They all look at John intently.)
JOHN
Oh... well...
MARISA
I could be wrong of course...
JOHN
No, there IS a reason for us meeting at this time. It was my idea actually. You see, we've always talked on the internet around this time of day - you know, late night - so I thought it would be kind of romantic to meet in person at the same sort of time. Make it just like an online chat, but face to face instead. It seemed a bit more original than dinner and a movie, you know?
CHARLES
Certainly an original choice of venue.
JOHN
Oh, that was down to Sally! Kind of a joke - you know, 'cafe'... 'internet'... 'internet cafe'...! That's just her sense of humour!
(No one laughs.)
CHARLES
You sound made for eachother.
MARISA
And she's happy to meet in a cheap cafe surrounded by weirdos and idiots is she?
JOHN
You've obviously never visited an internet chat room.
SIMON
I have.
MARISA
Oh there's a shock. Lonely Boy here uses the internet. What is it, Loser.com? www.get-a-life.co.uk?
SIMON
I go to those 3D chat worlds a lot. You know, where you can walk around and talk to people. Dream Island - that's the main one.
JOHN
Oh yeah, I know Dream Island. What's your username - I might've seen you there?
MARISA
Oh my god, what gateway to hell have we opened here? Two internet geeks in the same place. We should get out, Charles, while we still can.
SIMON
I go by the name 'Cyberwolf Doom Master'.
JOHN
Right...
SIMON
How about you?
JOHN
Um... 'John 2'. 'John 1' was already taken.
SIMON
Oh... right...
JOHN
I know it's a boring name...
MARISA
Suits you though.
(Frankie emerges from the door behind the counter, carrying a couple of boxes.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Thank god for that. Frankie, save me from Cybernerd Doom Loser... and his lovely assistant... John.
CHARLES
John 2, my dear. John 1 is someone else entirely.
MARISA
True, but I'd be willing to bet they're both big Star Trek fans. Come on Charles, I think there's still a pocket of relative sanity over there.
(They stand up and start to make their way over to the counter. Marisa leaves her uneaten bagel on the table, and as she departs, Simon picks it up and starts eating. At the counter, Frankie is filling boxes with various items.)
FRANKIE
(to Marisa)
Anything happen while I was gone?
MARISA
Well, a man did force me to hand over a bagel at gunpoint, but he brought it back a couple of minutes later saying he didn't like it - not enough mayonnaise. I told him the sandwiches at Jimmy's are much better, and he left. Apart from that, nothing.
FRANKIE
Oh well, at least he tried this place first. Just goes to show we're still the number one choice for gun-toting bagel thieves. I'll have to mention that in the advertising.
MARISA
You advertise?? Where, in 'Invisibility Monthly'? Look at the place - you could move the business to a phone box and you still wouldn't be full.
FRANKIE
If it's a phone box round here, it'll be full of your mates putting up cards. Now shut up, Charles is about to order something.
CHARLES
Actually old fellow, I ought to be getting off. You know, things to do, people to see...
FRANKIE
I can get you something to take away...?
CHARLES
Probably best not. Food at this time of night - not good for my digestion...
(He starts to back away towards the door.)
FRANKIE
Coffee then? A nice cup of tea to go?
CHARLES
Caffeine. Not wise at my age. Might never sleep again...
FRANKIE
Mineral water?
CHARLES
I'll be backwards and forwards to that bathroom all night...
(He reaches the door, and opens it.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Ask me again tomorrow. Bye all.
(He disappears through the door.)
FRANKIE
(shouting)
A sodding pork pie then?? Put it away for Christmas! Give it to someone you hate!
(The door closes.)
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
(to Marisa)
That was your fault. You shouldn't have mentioned the sandwiches at Jimmy's. That'll be where he's gone.
MARISA
Hey, it's not my fault you have the sales technique of a Jehovah's Witness. Anyway, stop bleating, I've got you a quid here - Simon's cappuccino.
(She holds out the money.)
FRANKIE
Large cappuccinos are one fifty.
MARISA
Yeah, I've taken out my commission. I don't work for nothing.
FRANKIE
No, but apparently I do.
(He takes the money from her and drops it into the till.)
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
Now make yourself useful and carry one of these boxes out the back for me.
MARISA
Ok, but I get a free bagel, right?
FRANKIE
You've already had one. Now grab hold of this and follow me, it'll only take a minute.
MARISA
You're not the first man to have said that to me.
(Frankie dumps one box into Marisa's arms, and picks up another himself.)
FRANKIE
Hey Simon, keep an eye on things for a mo will you? We won't be a minute.
MARISA
(to Simon)
And if anyone threatens you, forget the baseball bat, just offer them a part in your film. That should get rid of them pretty quickly.
(Marisa and Frankie leave through the door behind the counter. John waits to see the door shut behind them before speaking.)
JOHN
So... have you shagged her yet?
SIMON
You what?
JOHN
Marisa.
SIMON
Marisa?
JOHN
Yeah, come on, what gives? There's obviously something going on between the two of you.
SIMON
What? Marisa??
JOHN
Am I talking a foreign language here? Yes, Marisa! Haven't you seen the way she looks at you? The girl's besotted.
SIMON
I think you're confused. Marisa was the girl who just went through that door. You know, the one who calls me a loser every thirty seconds. The one who never misses a chance to point out what a twat I am, and generally treats me like a pigeon who's just had the nerve to shit on her newly washed car.
JOHN
Exactly. She's flirting with you.
SIMON
By telling me to sod off and die?
JOHN
Yes! She's going out of her way to give you attention. If she was ignoring you, then you'd really have something to worry about. But that girl can't get enough of you.
SIMON
And you'd know?
JOHN
I would.
SIMON
Remind me, how long have you been working for Relate?
JOHN
Look, it couldn't be more obvious. She's desperate to get your attention, and this is the only way she knows of doing it. She's trying to get a response out of you.
SIMON
You don't even know her. Or me for that matter.
JOHN
I don't have to. I see this sort of thing a hundred times every night. Girl comes into the room, has a look around, starts trading insults with a particular guy, and within half an hour she's off in a private room booting up his floppy.
SIMON
Hang on. You're talking about the internet aren't you...
JOHN
Well, yeah. But this is no different.
SIMON
Well yeah, except that THAT'S the internet, and THIS is real life! You can't spend all day hanging around online with a bunch of weirdos, and then expect people to behave the same way in the real world.
JOHN
Take a look around you my friend!
(Simon looks around at the empty cafe.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
Well, ok, maybe not right this minute... there's not actually anyone here... but Simon, we ARE those weirdos! And so is Marisa, and so is everyone that ever walks through those doors! I assume people DO actually come in here sometimes do they...?
SIMON
Let's just say you won't get cold if you sit near the door.
JOHN
Well anyway, my point is that the internet is no different to any other part of life. Everyone you meet online is a real person. They might not be the person they say they are, but what's new? You go to any nightclub on a Friday night - all the men are walking around with Mercedes keyrings, talking about the trial they had for Manchester United, and all the girls are ex models wearing padded bras. Do you see my point?
SIMON
Not really, no.
JOHN
An internet chat room is just a microcosm of society.
SIMON
Who said that, Bill Gates?
JOHN
No, me. But he would've said it if he'd thought of it. The point is, Marisa is no different to a thousand girls I've met online, so take it from me, she fancies you.
SIMON
I don't know...
JOHN
Come on, you can't deny there's a part of you that would like it to be true...?
SIMON
Maybe...
JOHN
See! This is a romance waiting to happen!
SIMON
Don't go selling the wedding photos to Hello magazine just yet. She's a pretty girl, but I'm not gonna declare my undying love to someone who's just finished scraping me off the sole of her shoe.
JOHN
Good! She wouldn't respect you if you did. You don't want to go all lovey-dovey on her, you need to give as good as you get. Engage in a bit of banter. She insults you, you insult her back. Show her you can match anything she throws at you.
SIMON
You're sure about this are you?
JOHN
Trust me, I'm a webmaster.
(The door behind the counter opens and Marisa and Frankie enter, Marisa leading the way.)
MARISA
Well Frankie, I always hoped that the first time a man asked me to go out the back with him, it would be more exciting than that.
FRANKIE
Hey, I don't believe for a moment that was your first time. You stacked those boxes like you knew what you were doing.
MARISA
Oh alright, you got me. I can't deny it - I've been seeing other cafe owners behind your back.
JOHN
(calling from the table, and smiling)
Hi Marisa!
(Marisa stops, disarmed by the greeting.)
MARISA
Hi... you two look suspiciously chummy. Have you been comparing notes on your favourite porn sites?
SIMON
Yeah. We both knew we'd seen you somewhere before, and now we know where.
MARISA
Oooh! So this is what five minutes of male bonding does to you eh? Loser Boy has come out of his shell. I knew it wasn't safe to leave you two alone.
(She walks over to them and sits down, then notices the empty plate on the table.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Hey, what happened to my bagel?
SIMON
The diet police took it for evidence. They're investigating your thighs.
MARISA
(to John)
Have you put something in his drink?
JOHN
No.
MARISA
Well maybe you should. Try rat poison.
JOHN
Oh I don't know... murder may be fun at the time, but you'll hate yourself in the morning.
MARISA
Possibly. But I don't need him as a plaything now anyway - how d'ya fancy being my new best friend?
(She puts her arm around John's shoulder. As she does, there's a loud bleeping. Marisa recoils.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Oh my god, he's alarmed!
(John pulls out a mobile phone from his pocket.)
JOHN
It's a text message. Oh, it's from Sally... she says she's running a bit late.
(Marisa leans across to look.)
MARISA
No she doesn't. She says she's running a bit "L7".
JOHN
Yeah, that's a joke! You know how you type 'later' as 'L 8 R'...
SIMON
Yeah, I do that. 'C U L8R'. And I use 'brb' - 'be right back' a lot too. And 'lol' - laughing out loud. What else is there...?
JOHN
'I B C N U' - I'll be seeing you!
SIMON
Oh yeah! And 'ADIDAS' - all day I dream about sex!
JOHN
I haven't heard that one.
MARISA
How about 'OMG' - oh my god...
JOHN
Well anyway, one time when Sally and I were talking online, I hit the wrong key and typed 'L 7 R' by mistake. Ever since then, we both use L7R, as a kind of private joke!
MARISA
Well it just goes to show, no matter how sad you are, there's someone out there for you.
JOHN
What's that supposed to mean?
(They are interrupted by Frankie, who walks up to the table with a notepad in hand.)
FRANKIE
Time's up on those beverages gentlemen. What can I get you now?
JOHN
You said sixty minutes. It hasn't been that long.
FRANKIE
Yeah, but tonight's the night we put the clocks forward. You're actually way overdue. Technically I should be charging you more.
JOHN
I can see it's going to be a long night...
FRANKIE
No, a shorter one - I just told you, the clocks are going forward. Now what can I get you?
JOHN
Do you do cream teas?
(Frankie takes a pen from behind his ear and begins to write on the notepad.)
FRANKIE
One cup of hot water and a tea bag coming right up...
SIMON
I'll have a small coffee.
FRANKIE
(still writing)
... and one large cappuccino.
(He walks back over to the counter. The others sit in silence for a moment.)
JOHN
So... Marisa... what do you do for a living?
MARISA
An original way to start a conversation, but what the heck, I'll go with it. I'm in public relations John. Operating a call centre, dealing with customers, that sort of thing.
SIMON
You work in a whorehouse.
JOHN
Warehouse?
MARISA
Massage parlour.
JOHN
You're a prostitute???
MARISA
How dare you! That's so typical of men these days - you assume the only way a pretty girl can make a living is by taking her clothes off.
JOHN
I wasn't assuming anything! You're the one who said you work in a massage parlour!
MARISA
So??
JOHN
Well... is there much office work in a brothel...?
MARISA
Look, I answer the phones, I take the bookings, and that's it. I'm not, I never have been, and I never will be, a prostitute.
JOHN
Ok, fine.
SIMON
(to Marisa)
So you're a pimp.
MARISA
What??
SIMON
You act as a go-between, setting up meetings between hookers and their clients, and you take a cut of the money. That makes you a pimp.
MARISA
Fuck off Simon.
SIMON
Just stating the facts.
MARISA
I'm not there forcing anyone to sleep with anyone. What goes on behind those doors is none of my business. They could be discussing flower arranging for all I care. My job is to pick up the phone within three rings, and smile sweetly at anyone who turns up. That's it.
SIMON
And of course collect your fiver commission for every booking you take.
MARISA
It's a job. You get paid. That's how it works. You might know that if you'd ever worked for a living.
JOHN
Anyway...
SIMON
It's immoral earnings! You're making money out of the sex industry for god's sake! Out of women who are are forced to sell their bodies because there are people like you encouraging them to do it!
MARISA
Go fuck yourself Simon.
SIMON
What, so you can make another commission?
MARISA
Fuck you! You know nothing about me or my life. You sit in here every night, the only time you get off your backside is to go and pick up your dole money. You know NOTHING about what people have to do to make a living out there. You think I LIKE my job? You think I WANT to work in a whorehouse?? That place is the saddest fucking place on earth - no one wants to be there, and I mean NO one. Not the girls, not the bastard men who fuck them, and certainly not ME. I'm not there because I have no self respect, I'm there because I have enough respect for myself to want to make something of my life, and not waste it hanging around in dumps like this with people like you. And for that I need money. So you can take your moralising and shove it up your arse.
(She stands up, slams her chair against the table, and marches off through the door marked 'Toilets'. John and Simon sit in silence for a few moments.)
JOHN
Was that your idea of foreplay...?
SIMON
That was YOUR fault!
JOHN
You're the one who called her a pimp!
SIMON
You called her a prostitute!
JOHN
She said she worked in a brothel! What was I supposed to think, that she just made the tea??
SIMON
No, she answers the phones.
JOHN
I know that NOW!
(He pauses for a moment.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
I suppose one of us ought to go after her...
(John starts to get up, as Frankie approaches with the drinks.)
FRANKIE
Leave her for a minute chaps. Believe me, this is nothing. You should see her when she's on her period.
JOHN
Thankyou Germaine Greer...
(He sits back down. Frankie puts the drinks on the table.)
FRANKIE
Now, service is not included, so dig deep for the waitress retirement fund, gentlemen.
(John pays him. Simon reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large handful of small change, which he begins to count.)
JOHN
Well that explains the bulge in his jeans...
(Simon hands Frankie a fistful of change.)
FRANKIE
(to Simon)
What did you do, raid your piggy bank?
SIMON
I had a bit of a win on the penny falls actually.
FRANKIE
And they say gambling's a mug's game. How wrong they are.
(Frankie makes his way back towards the counter.)
JOHN
Well this is nice. It's the middle of the night, I'm in a run down cafe drinking a cup of hot water and making small talk with Quentin Tarantino and Chef from South Park, and we've succeeded in sending a nice girl to the toilets to slash her wrists. All I need now is for Sally to arrive...
(There's a noise behind them and the main door slowly begins to open. They all turn and stare at the door with anticipation. There's a pause, then suddenly a man bursts in, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a gun, which he aims at each of them in turn.)
GUNMAN
Nobody move! This is a hold up!
(They all freeze. The gunman aims at Frankie, who instinctively raises his hands in surrender.)
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
You! I want all the money in the till, and fast.
(He pulls a screwed up plastic carrier bag from his pocket and tosses it in Frankie's direction.)
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
Here, fill it.
(Frankie remains rooted to the spot.)
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
Move it! I ain't got all day!
Frankie opens the till and hurriedly starts filling the bag with money. Simon and John have remained frozen at the table, but the gunman suddenly turns and points the gun at John.)
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
Not so fast!
(John raises his arms.)
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
One move and you'll be picking your brains up off the floor. So don't be a hero.
JOHN
(babbling)
I wasn't going to be a hero! I'm not the hero type, honestly. I'm the hiding under the bed type. I played with the girls at school. I cry at the end of Bambi. I own a cuddly aardvark for god's sake! In fact... here, have my money, please, you're welcome to it...
(John produces his wallet and holds it out to the gunman.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
There's a winning scratchcard in there too.
GUNMAN
How much...?
JOHN
Um... a pound. But you could use it to buy another one. Might win a million!
(The gunman takes the wallet at arm's length, aiming the gun at John as he does so. He then takes a couple of steps back and starts looking through the wallet.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
If it's not enough, I'll write you a cheque. Just don't hurt me - I've got a date tonight!
(The gunman closes the wallet and looks at Simon.)
GUNMAN
What about you...?
JOHN
He's got money stuffed down his pants!
SIMON
Shut up!
(The gunman leans to the side to take a look at Simon.)
GUNMAN
Don't think I'll bother... doesn't look like he's got much...
(He starts to turn back towards Frankie.)
SIMON
Hey! What's that supposed to mean?
(The gunman turns back quickly and aims the gun at Simon.)
SIMON (CONT'D)
I mean... you're right... please don't hurt us...
(Simon nervously raises his arms in the air. The gunman turns back to Frankie.)
GUNMAN
Hey!! What were you doing then?
FRANKIE
Nothing, honestly!
GUNMAN
I saw you! You had your hand under the counter! You were pressing a bloody panic button weren't you!
FRANKIE
I don't have a panic button! I was filling the bag like you said, that's all! Here, I've done it!
(He holds up the bag.)
GUNMAN
Bollocks! You've called the cops, I saw you!
(He runs to the window and peers through.)
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
God dammit, they'll be here any second.
FRANKIE
Honestly, I haven't called anyone! Look, there's no alarm or anything under here!
(The gunman points at John.)
GUNMAN
You, you're coming with me.
(He marches over to John, puts the gun to his head, and hauls him to his feet.)
JOHN
Please! Not tonight of all nights! I haven't had a date in over a year! I'm begging you, come back tomorrow, I'll happily be your hostage then. I'll let you tie me up and everything. But not tonight, I'm meeting a girl in five minutes!
GUNMAN
Shut it. And the rest of you, no sudden moves or the kid gets it.
(Marisa comes strolling in from the toilets.)
SIMON
Marisa! Get back, quick!!
MARISA
I'm not speaking to you until you apologise.
SIMON
But Marisa!!
MARISA
Apologise.
(Everyone else is frozen in place, the gunman still holding the gun to John's head.)
SIMON
I'm sorry!
MARISA
And...?
(Simon looks from Marisa to the gunman, then back to Marisa.)
SIMON
Uh... I'm sorry I insulted you and accused you of being a pimp. It was stupid and wrong. And I won't do it again.
MARISA
Ok, apology accepted. You know, I think this could be a watershed in our relationship.
SIMON
Uh... Marisa...!
(The gunman coughs to draw attention to himself. Marisa turns and looks at him.)
MARISA
I do wish you'd stop acting like a three year old, Charles.
(The gunman pulls off his balaclava with one hand, revealing himself to be Charles.)
CHARLES
(now in his normal voice)
How did you know it was me?
MARISA
With that sorry attempt at a working class accent, the only question is how these morons DIDN'T know it was you. I mean, come on - "don't be a hero"??? No one says that outside of an episode of Eastenders.
CHARLES
Not true. I read it in the boy's script.
(He points at Simon.)
MARISA
I think that proves my point about realism.
CHARLES
Still, wasn't bad was it! Had them all fooled! I think that just about puts paid to any doubts about my suitability for the big screen.
(Marisa takes the gun from Charles.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Be careful my dear, it's loaded.
(Marisa holds the gun casually for a moment, then all of a sudden turns, points it at Simon, and fires. Simon flinches and cries out. Water shoots from the gun.)
SIMON
Did you know that was a water pistol??
MARISA
No, but I was willing to take the chance.
(She smiles playfully.)
(John turns to Charles, snatches back his wallet, and without saying a word, punches Charles in the stomach. Charles staggers back.)
CHARLES
Hey! I thought you were the 'hiding under the bed type'?
JOHN
I'm going to the toilet.
(He starts to move towards the toilet door.)
MARISA
Wait up John, I'll come with you. There's the strangest bit of graffiti on the wall in there. I want your opinion on it.
(John walks through the door marked 'Toilets'. Marisa follows him, leaving the gun on the table. She stops when she reaches the door, and turns around.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Simon)
And the weirdest thing is... it's about you!
(She disappears through the door.)
SIMON
What??!
(He jumps up and runs through the door after them. Charles is left standing centre stage, looking sheepish.)
CHARLES
Is it just me, or was my young hostage a little too quick to say I could tie him up...?
(Frankie is slowly transferring the money from the carrier bag back to the till, glaring angrily at Charles between each movement. Charles watches him anxiously. When the bag is empty, Frankie slams the till shut, then stops all of a sudden, looking at the bag. He marches aggressively over to where Charles is standing, then stops and holds up the carrier bag, pointing to the words which are printed clearly on the side.)
FRANKIE
"Jimmy's Sandwiches"???!!!
CURTAIN CLOSES
END OF ACT ONE
