ACT TWO
(The same cafe, shortly after the end of Act I. Charles is sitting on a stool at the counter, drinking a cup of coffee. Behind the counter stands Frankie. Charles' gun still lies on one of the tables.)
FRANKIE
All I'm saying is it was a stupid stunt to pull. Anything could've happened.
CHARLES
I was merely playing a role, I wouldn't have hurt anyone.
FRANKIE
You DID hurt someone - me. I had to open the till without ringing up a transaction. Have you any idea how much trouble that causes?
CHARLES
Frankie my dear, I don't give a damn.
FRANKIE
That's a quid in the pun box.
(He picks up a charity box from the counter and rattles it at Charles.)
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
I'm not having people using language like that in my cafe.
(Charles reluctantly places a coin in the box.)
CHARLES
Well, at the end of the day, no real harm was done. I gained a valuable insight into the mind of a criminal, and you learnt that you need to beef up your security.
FRANKIE
How exactly does one guard against the global threat of decrepit actors with water pistols?
CHARLES
You could start by serving decent sandwiches.
FRANKIE
So that's why you don't hold up Jimmy's at gunpoint is it?
CHARLES
Some things are worth paying for.
FRANKIE
While others are worth risking your life for - you're lucky I DIDN'T try to stop you. You could've ended up with a knife in your ribs, or a scalding cup of coffee over you.
CHARLES
Your coffee isn't hot enough to scald a newborn baby. And anyway, it was a calculated risk. You were never going to fight back, I know you too well.
FRANKIE
And what about the others? You only met John tonight. For all you know he's armed and dangerous.
CHARLES
That boy is armed with nothing more than a questionable sense of humour and the handshake of a wet fish, believe me.
FRANKIE
All the same, you were asking for trouble.
CHARLES
This is method acting dear boy. It's supposed to have an element of danger.
(The main door opens and in walks SALLY. She stops for a moment and looks around. Charles sees her and stands up.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Sally...? Is that you...?
SALLY
Sorry... do I know you?
CHARLES
It's me, John!
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
Don't you dare!!
CHARLES
(whispering to Frankie)
Go along with it and I'll order anything you like.
(He turns back to Sally.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
It is you isn't it - that sweet face has been burned into my mind since I first saw its angelic features smiling back at me from the computer screen. And may I say Sally, not only do you look like an angel, you type like one too.
SALLY
Um... I'm sorry... I'm not sure I understand...
CHARLES
My appearance? Yes I know. I'm a little older than I led you to believe.
SALLY
You're John?? But your photo...?
(She opens her purse, pulls out a photo, and looks at it.)
CHARLES
Oh it IS me, I assure you. Taken during my national service, 1955. I realise it's a little out of date, but you know what it's like when you're trying to find a decent photo of yourself. I had to rule out entire albums on fashion sense alone.
SALLY
1955?? But it's taken at Euro Disney... you're shaking hands with Mickey Mouse...?
CHARLES
That's my wife Marjorie, sadly no longer with us. She's not dead, she's just no longer with us. Moved to Scotland if you must know.
SALLY
But...
CHARLES
Come and sit down my dear. I'll explain everything.
SALLY
No... this is ridiculous... there's got to be some kind of mistake!
CHARLES
Don't be downhearted my sweet. Actors rarely live up to their billing, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't buy a ticket for the show.
SALLY
What?
CHARLES
It's a metaphor. I'm working off the top of my head here.
(He ushers her towards a table. She stops when she sees the gun lying there.)
SALLY
Oh my god, there's a gun!!
CHARLES
Oh sorry, I shouldn't have left that there. Mind like a sieve.
(He picks up the gun and puts it in his pocket. Sally looks on in stunned silence.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Sit down dear, you're looking a little pale. Take the weight off your feet.
(They both sit down.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
I must say it's lovely to meet you at last Sally. You come across so many strange people on the internet these days don't you. Paedophiles... fetishists... Americans... it's so nice to meet someone normal for a change. Only the other day I was saying to my friend Cyberwolf Doom Master...
SALLY
Who?
CHARLES
Cyberwolf Doom Master. He's one of my... chat posse. We've got a bit of an instant message 'thang' going on. In da house. I'm sure you know what I mean.
SALLY
I don't believe so, no...
(Frankie arrives with a large tray of food and drink, which he places on the table.)
FRANKIE
So that's two large cappuccinos, a smoked salmon bagel with extra mayo, four rounds of vintage cheddar cheese sandwiches, a couple of Belgian chocolate eclairs with extra cream, and some after dinner mints. We'll call it twenty quid.
(Charles makes no move to pay.)
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
Or I could just see if there's anyone in the toilets who wants to pay...
CHARLES
Twenty pounds it is.
(He hands over the money.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
(to Sally)
They may be expensive here...
(He looks at Frankie who is walking back towards the counter.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
(in a raised voice)
... some would say extortionate...
(He turns back to Sally.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
... but worth every penny. Do help yourself.
SALLY
I'm not very hungry actually. In fact I feel a bit sick. I think I might go to the toilet...
(She starts to get up. Charles grabs her arm.)
CHARLES
No!! I mean... stay... have an eclair, and let's chat about... oh I don't know... e-mail addresses or something...
SALLY
No really, I'm starting to feel quite unwell...
CHARLES
Probably a computer virus. I believe there's one going around. Have a cheese sandwich.
SALLY
No, could you let go of me please...
(She succeeds in pulling away from Charles, and starts to walk quickly towards the toilets.)
CHARLES
(waving)
Later babe!
(The door to the toilets opens, and in walks Marisa. She stops when she sees Sally.)
MARISA
Hey, you're not Sally by any chance are you?
SALLY
Oh my god, not another one!
MARISA
John's in the toilets. He'll be out in a sec.
SALLY
(pointing to the toilet door)
What? He's in there?
MARISA
Yeah, in the Ladies. I just took him in there to show him something.
(She pauses for a moment.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
What I mean is... there's nothing going on. It wasn't just the two of us. John's in there now with another guy.
(She pauses again.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Can I start that again?
CHARLES
(calling from the table)
Oh Sally...?
(Charles stands up, reaches into his pocket, and starts to take something out.)
SALLY
Everyone down, he's got a gun!!
(She dives under the nearest table.)
(The door to the toilets opens and John enters, his back to the room, in mid conversation with Simon, who is following behind.)
JOHN
All I'm saying is that just because it had the birthmark in the right place, doesn't necessarily mean it's a picture of your cock.
(He turns, and stops when he sees Sally crouching under the table. Simon emerges from the door behind him.)
SIMON
But it says...
(He raises his hands and makes the sign for quotation marks.)
SIMON (CONT'D)
"Simon's...
(He stops in mid sentence, suddenly aware of everyone standing in silence. He continues self-consciously, still with his hands in the air.)
SIMON (CONT'D)
... Cock".
(Charles pulls a packet of sandwiches from his pocket.)
CHARLES
Prawn Mayo anyone?
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
So you DID go to Jimmy's Sandwiches!! You bastard!
(He marches over to Charles and grabs him roughly.)
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
Get out of my cafe, go on! You're lucky I don't call the police!
CHARLES
Prawns are a legal substance, I know my rights.
(Frankie marches Charles to the main door, opens it, and throws him out.)
FRANKIE
(calling after Charles)
And tell Jimmy his bagels are like teething rings!
(He slams the door and turns back towards the counter. The main door immediately opens again and Charles sticks his head around.)
CHARLES
So you've tried them then...?
(Frankie turns and runs towards the door. Charles quickly withdraws his head and closes the door behind him. Frankie slowly turns and walks back to the counter.)
(The others stand in silence for a moment, then John bends down to look at Sally, who is still cowering under a table.)
JOHN
Sally...?
(Sally emerges from under the table.)
SALLY
Oh thank god!
(She rushes up to John and throws her arms around him.)
JOHN
Do you always go this far on a first date?
SALLY
You have no idea how pleased I am to see you. I thought I'd died and gone to hell.
MARISA
Interestingly enough, those are the exact words they use about this place in 'The Good Food Guide'.
SIMON
Yeah, not a bad summing up for someone who hasn't even read the environmental health report.
MARISA
Unless she saw the article in the local paper.
SIMON
What, "Cafe of Doom"?
MARISA
No, the other one. The one that launched the campaign for a five mile exclusion zone.
(Sally lifts her head, looking alarmed.)
JOHN
(to Sally)
They're joking... I think.
(He takes Sally by the hand.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
Come on, let's go and sit down.
(He starts to lead her towards a table, then notices the tray of food still sitting there.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
Oh, have you ordered already?
SALLY
No, that was... actually I don't know WHO he was...
(Frankie comes out from behind the counter.)
FRANKIE
Help yourselves kids, it's all been paid for courtesy of our friend, Lord Olivier. I'll give the drinks a quick blast in the microwave for you.
(He picks up the two cappuccinos and carries them back to the counter. John and Sally sit down. Marisa and Simon wander over to the counter, from where they watch John and Sally.)
JOHN
Sorry I wasn't here when you arrived - I'd just popped to the toilet.
SALLY
I'm sorry I was late.
JOHN
L7!
SALLY
Yeah! I missed the bus I was aiming for, and had to wait for the next one.
JOHN
Well, no problem. I knew you'd be here as soon as you could. I didn't mind.
SALLY
I was just praying it wouldn't rain - I came out without my umbrella! I was sure I'd get soaked any minute!
JOHN
Yeah, I think the forecast was for rain. That was a lucky escape!
SALLY
Yeah! Could've been a disaster!
MARISA
(to Frankie and Simon)
Well it's good to see the art of conversation isn't dead.
FRANKIE
Leave them alone.
MARISA
I hope you're making notes Simon - dialogue like this could really pep up your script.
(Frankie walks across to John and Sally with their drinks.)
FRANKIE
Here you are chaps. Two cappuccinos with my compliments. Need anything else, just give me a shout.
JOHN
Thanks Frankie, will do.
(Frankie walks back to the counter, sits down, and starts reading a newspaper.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
You can't beat this place for reheated cappuccinos.
(Sally laughs.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
I'd avoid the warmed up chicken though. The salmonella spoils the flavour.
(Sally laughs again.)
SALLY
Oh it's so nice to finally meet you John. I liked you the very first time we talked online, but you can never be sure what someone will be like in person.
JOHN
Well I'll admit it's difficult to walk with this axe hidden down my trousers.
SALLY
Oh, believe me, after what greeted me when I came in, I'm happy to settle for a simple axe murderer.
JOHN
Yes... I didn't like to mention it at the time, but why WERE you under that table?
SALLY
Let's just say it seemed like a good idea at the time.
JOHN
So is it something you do on a regular basis? I might want to introduce you to my parents one day, and they're a bit funny about people diving under their furniture.
SALLY
Well I can't make any promises, but I'll try and warn you next time I feel the urge coming upon me.
JOHN
Good. It's always nice to get these things sorted early on a first date, don't you think? We can relax now and enjoy the...
(He examines the food in front of him.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
... what the heck is it in that bagel? It looks like Play-Doh.
SALLY
I think the chef claims it's salmon. But I'd be willing to bet the fish content isn't particularly high. And before you tuck into that blue stilton, I have to warn you - it's cheddar.
JOHN
Remind me, whose idea was it to meet here...?
SALLY
Hey, it's not my fault if you take my jokes seriously. You were meant to laugh and then book us a fancy restaurant.
JOHN
I never did get your sense of humour. Oh well, at least it gives me an anecdote for my autobiography.
SALLY
I'll look forward to reading it. Make sure you put me in the index though - I don't want to have to read the whole book.
JOHN
I promise. What did you say your name was again?
SALLY
Sally. Make a note of it - you'll be screaming it later.
(They both pause self consciously.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
I've embarrassed myself now. I hope you don't think... I mean, I was just...
JOHN
Yeah I know...
(There's an awkward silence.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
There's such a thing as a verbal contract though, so I may have to hold you to it.
(Sally gives an embarrassed laugh.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
Wanna go halves on an eclair? I think they may be edible.
SALLY
Sure.
(John cuts an eclair in half and they each take a piece. They eat in silence for a few moments.)
JOHN
So... have you got any plans for the weekend? I think we're due for some sun.
(They are interrupted by Marisa, who starts loudly and deliberately chiming a spoon against the side of a glass.)
MARISA
Ohhh unlucky! And just when things were starting to pick up too!
(She walks over to John and Sally.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
I'm afraid the rules of the game clearly state that mentioning the weather for a second time results in immediate disqualification and the loss of all prizes won so far.
(She stands between John and Sally and puts her arms around their shoulders.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
But you're a lovely couple, have you enjoyed yourselves?
JOHN
Right up until the moment you put your arm around me.
MARISA
Well never mind, let's see what you would've won...
(She turns and looks at Simon, who approaches.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Sally)
Well there you are. Just goes to show you're sometimes better off with what you've got.
SIMON
What...?
MARISA
Nothing. Just wondering if I could swap you for a cuddly toy.
(She turns back to John and Sally.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
You don't mind if we join you, do you? I can only hang out with Neanderthal man for so long before I feel the urge to seek out more intelligent company.
SALLY
(to John)
Well they do say that when you get together with someone for the first time, you should meet in public.
JOHN
When they say 'in public', I'm not sure they mean you should have an audience.
MARISA
Don't worry, I promise to laugh in all the right places and clap at the end.
JOHN
(to Sally)
What do you think?
SALLY
Sure, it'll be like a foursome - a double date.
SIMON
She's not my girlfriend!
MARISA
A hint of regret would've been nice there, but never mind.
SALLY
Oh sorry, I just assumed... I thought you were a couple.
MARISA
Tragically no. We're like Torvill and Dean. The chemistry is undeniable, but at the end of the day we're just skating around the issue, wondering what might have been.
JOHN
That was really quite poetic.
MARISA
So lemme park my arse here will you?
JOHN
Well since you put it like that...
MARISA
Good.
(Marisa and Simon sit down at the table.)
SALLY
We haven't been properly introduced. I don't even know your names.
(Marisa holds out her hand.)
MARISA
I'm Marisa. And the moron I can't seem to shake off is -
SIMON
I've told you before, I can introduce myself.
MARISA
Strange how the moment I use the word 'moron', you immediately know I'm talking about you. But ok, have it your way, just don't come crying to me when you can't remember your name.
(She turns to Sally.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
He refuses to write it on the back of his hand. It's male pride, what can you do?
(Simon holds out his hand to Sally.)
SIMON
I'm Simon. Pleased to meet you.
(Sally shakes Simon's hand, pausing for a moment to examine the back of it.)
SALLY
(to Marisa)
I see what you mean!
(She turns back towards Simon.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
Sorry, only joking! Nice to meet you both. So... Marisa... what do you do for a living?
(John and Simon both jump.)
JOHN & SIMON
(together)
NO!!!
SALLY
What?
MARISA
Men, they're so highly strung aren't they. You should chill out more, boys.
SALLY
I didn't realise the idea of a woman going out to work was still so shocking these days.
JOHN
Shall we talk about something else...?
MARISA
(to Sally)
I think they're worried I might run amok with a sharpened eclair if anyone mentions my occupation. But personally I don't have a problem with my job. It's other people who have the problem.
SALLY
(jokingly)
You're not a prostitute are you?
(John and Simon both groan and bury their heads in their hands.)
MARISA
I like you Sally! I wish I had your talent for making men feel uncomfortable! We should go out for a drink sometime.
SALLY
Sure, I'm up for a girls' night out.
MARISA
Great. But to answer your question, no, I'm not a prostitute. Not unless I apply for promotion anyway. I answer the phones in a massage parlour.
SALLY
Really? Well...
(John raises his hand.)
JOHN
Frankie! Let's have some drinks over here!
(Frankie closes his newspaper, grabs his pad and pen, and approaches the table.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
My treat everyone, order what you like. Within reason.
SALLY
A massage parlour... that's really interesting. So tell me Marisa, do you ever get people turning up actually wanting a massage?
(Frankie jumps.)
FRANKIE
No!!
MARISA
(to Sally)
My god, you can even do it to Frankie! This is fantastic!
JOHN
(to Frankie)
A mineral water for me please, and whatever anyone else wants.
(He turns to Marisa.)
JOHN (CONT'D)
Marisa...?
MARISA
I'm talking to Sally, don't interrupt.
SIMON
(to Frankie)
I'll have an extra large cappuccino with extra cream, extra chocolatey bits, and a packet of those biscuits on the side. Actually, make it two packets.
JOHN
(to Simon)
Not that you're taking advantage or anything.
MARISA
(to Sally)
To answer your question -
JOHN
Girls...?
SALLY
Just a Coke please.
MARISA
Yeah, me too. No ice.
(Frankie scribbles on his pad.)
JOHN
(to Frankie)
Got that?
FRANKIE
Yeah yeah, no problem, coming right up.
(He walks back to the counter and starts getting the drinks.)
MARISA
(to Sally)
Yeah, it has been known for us to get a few idiots turning up at the place. But as all our customers are men, you've got to expect it.
SALLY
Well I think you do a good job.
JOHN
Really?
SALLY
Yeah, sure. I mean, in an ideal world there'd be no such thing as prostitution, but given that there is, it's far better to have those girls off the streets and doing what they do in a safe place.
(They all pause for a moment.)
MARISA
Sally, if you were a bloke, I'd marry you.
JOHN
Hands off, I saw her first.
MARISA
(to Sally)
You should have a chat to Moron Boy here...
(She points to Simon.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
... and compare philosophies.
SIMON
I may have a different view, but that doesn't make me wrong. I'm not going to apologise for expressing an opinion.
MARISA
Not when you have so many other things to apologise for, no.
(She turns to Sally.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
So how about you?
SALLY
Am I a prostitute? No, 'fraid not. I had to give it up - didn't like the dress code.
JOHN
I just love a girl with a sense of humour...
SALLY
(to Marisa)
I'm actually a student. I'm at university.
MARISA
Really? I would've liked to go to uni. I applied to the University of Life, but they turned me down.
SIMON
You shouldn't have bunked off so much from the school of hard knocks.
MARISA
(to Sally)
So what are you studying?
SALLY
I'm doing research into the combined effects of late nights and daytime TV on the young female brain. But unfortunately that's not part of my degree. Officially I'm doing biology and medical ethics.
JOHN
So she can picture me naked, but she knows it would be wrong.
MARISA
Not only wrong, but insane.
JOHN
Thanks. Remind me to bring you on our next date too.
MARISA
Hey, I'm getting on better with your girlfriend than you do. You won't even be coming out with us again unless I say so.
SALLY
Now now kids, don't fight, there's plenty of me to go around.
SIMON
Really...?
MARISA
(to Simon)
But she has to draw the line somewhere, so put your tongue away.
SALLY
(to Marisa)
So what do your parents think of you working at a massage parlour?
MARISA
Well my Mum's dead.
SIMON
The shock killed her.
MARISA
(to Sally)
Excuse me one moment.
(She reaches across and gives Simon a hefty clip round the ear.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Ignore Mr Masturbator here, he's just attempting to prove how bad the Grim Reaper's judgement is.
JOHN
So your Mum's really dead...?
MARISA
Yeah.
SALLY
I'm really sorry... I had no idea...
MARISA
Oh don't worry. She died giving birth to me, so I don't even remember her.
SALLY
Even so...
MARISA
It's no problem. If she was anything like me, the world probably couldn't have coped with the two of us anyway.
JOHN
What about your Dad?
MARISA
Oh he's still around. He brought me up on his own, so if I have any faults, it's all down to him.
SIMON
IF you have any faults??
MARISA
I'm not saying I do, I'm just being self-effacing. It's part of my appeal.
SIMON
Geologists all over the world are still mapping your faults.
MARISA
Well I do have one MAJOR fault of course - I'm attracted to you. That's one hell of a character flaw.
(Everyone sits in silence for a moment.)
SIMON
You are...?
MARISA
Shut up.
JOHN
(under his breath, to Simon)
Told you...
MARISA
So, my Dad... yeah, he's alright I suppose. I can't complain. He's been a good Mum to me.
JOHN
He's in touch with his feminine side then?
MARISA
Yeah. Well, he's a bit of an old woman if that's what you mean. He hasn't been the same since the Gulf War.
SALLY
He fought in the Gulf?
MARISA
No, but he watched it all on TV. Had a thing for Kate Adie. I never did understand it.
JOHN
Must be the 'woman in danger' syndrome.
MARISA
Yeah. Usually all he cares about are legs, breasts and thighs. He's like Colonel Sanders.
SALLY
He sounds a delightful man.
MARISA
Like father, like daughter.
SIMON
It must be like the Waltons at your house. Except there's only two of you.
JOHN
(to Simon)
Good analogy. Works on no level whatsoever, but nice try.
SALLY
(to Marisa)
So he's cool about what you do is he? Or does he think you're working as a nanny to the Von Trapp family?
MARISA
"Cool" isn't a word I'd use in any sentence about him, but yeah, as fathers go, he's ok about it. Tell you what, you can ask him yourself - I'll give him a ring.
(She takes a mobile phone out of her pocket.)
SALLY
No, I didn't mean you to ring him! I was just curious...
MARISA
It's no problem. I need to give him a call anyway.
(She starts dialling.)
JOHN
(to Sally)
Oh great, she's going to get her Dad down here now. If he turns out to be violent, you're on your own - I'm not discussing prostitution with a homicidal maniac. I've already been held at gunpoint once tonight.
SALLY
Have you??
JOHN
Yeah. What with one thing and another, tonight's been a bit of a Weston.
SALLY
Weston?
JOHN
A super 'mare.
SALLY
Right.
MARISA
Shush, it's ringing...
(Marisa puts the phone to her ear. The others sit in silence. Suddenly there's a loud ringing over at the counter. John, Sally and Simon turn as one and look in that direction. Marisa casually ignores it.)
(Frankie takes out a mobile phone from under the counter, looks at it, and nonchalantly answers the call.)
FRANKIE
(on the phone)
Hi babe.
MARISA
(on the phone)
Hi. I wonder if you could do me a favour. Sally wants to know what you think of your only daughter working in a house of ill repute.
FRANKIE
The house of ill repute is what you come home to. You work in a massage parlour.
(Marisa puts her hand over the phone and turns to the others at the table.)
MARISA
I think he knows.
(John, Sally and Simon look at her open-mouthed. Marisa takes her hand away and continues talking.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
(on the phone)
So are you disappointed in me then?
FRANKIE
Constantly. But not for that reason.
(Marisa puts her hand over the phone again.)
MARISA
(to the others)
He's such a proud father. Carries a photo of me in his wallet and everything.
FRANKIE
That photo came with the wallet - it just looks like you.
MARISA
(on the phone)
Hey, how did you hear that? I had my hand over the phone!
FRANKIE
I'm your father, don't question me. Now put Sally on.
(Marisa holds out the phone to Sally.)
MARISA
(to Sally)
He wants to speak to you.
(Sally looks back and forth between Marisa and Frankie.)
SALLY
But... he...
MARISA
Quick, before we lose the signal!
(Sally takes the phone and puts it to her ear.)
SALLY
(on the phone)
Hi Frankie...
FRANKIE
Sally, nice to speak to you. And may I say how nice you're looking tonight?
SALLY
No, you're on the phone.
FRANKIE
Oh yeah. I'd better be quick then - I think my battery's running low. I believe you wanted to ask me something?
SALLY
Yeah. What the heck am I doing here?
FRANKIE
I think you came to meet John.
MARISA
(to Sally)
So now you have, the question is what the heck are you STILL doing here?
FRANKIE
(to Marisa)
Be quiet you - I'm trying to talk to Sally.
(Marisa turns and speaks directly to Frankie.)
MARISA
Hey stop it, this isn't a speakerphone - you can't talk to me at the same time.
JOHN
Am I the only one finding this SLIGHTLY strange...?
(Sally puts a finger in one ear, still holding the phone to the other.)
FRANKIE
(on the phone)
Sally, are you still there?
SALLY
(on the phone)
Yeah, I'm here.
JOHN
(answering his own question)
Clearly I am...
FRANKIE
(on the phone)
Good, for a moment I thought we'd been cut off. So, getting back to my daughter...
MARISA
That old chestnut...
FRANKIE
In an ideal world, I'd rather she didn't do what she does. But in that same ideal world, this place would be making money and she could work for me here.
MARISA
Assuming she'd want to...
(Still speaking into the phone, Frankie slowly starts to walk over to the others at the table.)
FRANKIE
And the simple truth is, there have been times when the cash from that place has kept THIS place afloat. So if she's living off immoral earnings, then so am I. Only worse - I'm living off my DAUGHTER'S immoral earnings. I'm more of a pimp than she is.
MARISA
I am NOT a pimp!
(She pauses for a moment, then turns and speaks more softly, directly to Frankie.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
And neither are you...
(Frankie is still holding the phone to his ear, but talking directly to Marisa now, as he slowly walks towards her.)
FRANKIE
I'm not exactly the best dad in the world either.
MARISA
Not a bad mum though.
FRANKIE
Things WILL change my darling, I promise. I know I'm not doing a great job at the moment, but one day...
MARISA
Don't be an idiot. You're embarrassing me.
(She gets up and gives him a hug.)
FRANKIE
You sound just like your Mum.
(Sally quietly turns off the mobile phone and puts it on the table. They sit in silence for a moment.)
SIMON
Is all this just a con to get us to spend more money?
MARISA
Right, that's it, he's dead.
(She turns and makes a grab for Simon, in an attempt to throttle him. Frankie does his best to hold her back. As he does so, the main door opens and Charles walks in, carrying a small bunch of flowers.)
CHARLES
I see things have calmed down in here since I left. And to think I get blamed for all the violent episodes.
(Sally turns and sees who it is.)
SALLY
Oh my god...
(Frankie puts himself between Marisa and Simon, and turns to Charles.)
FRANKIE
Hey, you're barred - violation of sandwich code 297 - comestible treason.
CHARLES
It's alright, I come bearing gifts.
(He holds up the bunch of flowers.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
For the young lady. A little apology.
(He walks over to Sally and offers the flowers.)
JOHN
(to Sally)
Is this the man you've been seeing behind my back?
SALLY
Unfortunately, yes.
(She takes the flowers, sniffs them, then notices a card attached.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
Oh, there's a card...
(She removes the card and reads it aloud.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
(reading)
"Grandma, gone but not forgotten, with love from all the family."
(She looks up.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
An interesting choice of words. Not sure it quite gets to the heart of what you're trying to say, but still...
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
Obviously the lock on the cemetery gates is broken again. You're despicable Charles, you really are.
CHARLES
It's called recycling.
FRANKIE
It's called grave robbing.
JOHN
(to Sally)
You could be done for receiving stolen goods.
SALLY
You're just jealous. Another man buys me dinner and brings me flowers, and you can't handle it.
JOHN
I can't compete with gifts like this, it's true.
SALLY
Never mind, you'll meet someone else. Plenty more fish in the sea.
JOHN
Sadly not in the salmon bagels though.
(John prods the uneaten bagel with his finger.)
CHARLES
Oooh, salmon bagel? Don't mind if I do.
(Charles picks up the bagel and takes a bite.)
JOHN
Well there's no accounting for taste.
(Charles pulls up a chair, and tries to make room at the table.)
CHARLES
(to John and Sally)
Budge up, budge up...
(He sits down.)
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
Is there any reason why I shouldn't throw you straight out again?
CHARLES
Well apart from the fact that I paid for this food, I need to speak to young Simon about our film project.
FRANKIE
Which benefits me how exactly...?
CHARLES
You're not thinking long term, dear fellow. Five years from now there could be a blue plaque on that door, marking this as the birthplace of the decade's top box office hit.
MARISA
Either that, or a sign marking it for demolition.
(Marisa sits back down again.)
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
Well if you stay, you pay. That's the slogan from now on.
CHARLES
And very catchy it is too.
(Frankie walks over to the counter and starts getting some drinks and sandwiches. Charles turns to the others at the table.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
So what have all you little munchkins been up to while I've been gone?
JOHN
Oh we've been having lots of fun risking brain tumours by talking to eachother on mobile phones.
MARISA
And researching my family tree of course.
JOHN
Yeah. Hands up who's spent the last five minutes desperately trying to remember what they've said to Frankie about Marisa behind her back.
(John, Sally and Simon all raise their hands.)
MARISA
Sally, I haven't turned my back since you arrived.
SALLY
I know. I just have a naturally guilty conscience.
JOHN
She's such a good Catholic.
CHARLES
(to Marisa)
Oh, so they know he's your father do they?
MARISA
It kinda slipped out.
SIMON
(to Charles)
You knew??
CHARLES
Of course - I'm her uncle.
(He pauses for a few moments.)
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Only joking. Couldn't resist.
MARISA
The mere thought of that being true, Charles, would be enough to tip someone over the edge.
JOHN
Oh I don't know - every family needs a mad uncle, if only to annoy people at weddings.
MARISA
I think my family has enough skeletons in the closet, thankyou.
SALLY
Figuratively or literally?
MARISA
Both.
SALLY
(to Simon and Charles)
So what's all this about a film project? Are you two in the movie business?
SIMON & CHARLES
(together)
Yes.
MARISA
Oooh, synchronised lying! You HAVE been working hard!
(She turns to Sally.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
They're in the movie business in the same way Frankie's in the designer restaurant business.
SIMON
(to Sally)
As it happens, until recently, I was working at Pinewood Studios.
MARISA
(to Sally, pointing at Simon)
Tea boy.
SIMON
I was a studio assistant.
MARISA
Who made the tea.
SIMON
If you want to learn the film business, you have to get talking to producers and directors. Fetching them drinks was just a means to an end.
MARISA
(to Sally)
He did so much learning that shares in Ty-phoo went up fifty percent.
SALLY
(to Simon)
That sounds really interesting.
MARISA
(to Sally)
God, you're polite.
SALLY
(to Simon)
So why did you leave?
MARISA
He was fired.
SIMON
I wanted to start work on my own project. I felt I'd stayed long enough for them to give me the knowledge and experience I needed.
MARISA
And the P45 you needed.
SIMON
They encouraged me to go, it's true, but that was only because they recognised that I had what it takes to make it in the business. They saw I had talent, and they knew I was ready to fly the nest and make it out there on my own.
(He pauses.)
SIMON (CONT'D)
Oh, and they caught me stealing cameras.
SALLY
Oh right...
JOHN
Well if you can't nick stuff from work, what's the point in having a job?
(Sally points at Simon's pad.)
SALLY
So is that what you're writing - a film script?
SIMON
Yeah. It's an action adventure.
CHARLES
Starring yours truly.
JOHN
You really think you're cut out to be an action hero, do you Charles?
CHARLES
That's rich coming from the boy who was begging me for mercy and asking to be tied up less than an hour ago.
SALLY
Really?
JOHN
(to Sally)
He's got me confused with someone else.
SIMON
Actually, Charles won't be playing the lead.
(He turns to Charles.)
SIMON (CONT'D)
I've got you down for more of a... supporting role.
CHARLES
Co-star?
MARISA
Back end of a cow?
SIMON
No, I mean it's still a good part, it's just not the lead, that's all.
CHARLES
Well that's ok I suppose. I see myself very much in the Alan Rickman mould - upstaging the star and stealing the movie. It shouldn't be a problem.
SALLY
(to Simon)
I'd love to read some of your script.
MARISA
Me too - I could do with a good laugh.
SIMON
Oh no, it's not finished...
SALLY
I'd be really interested - I did a film-making course at college.
MARISA
Oh great. Is there anyone here who ISN'T trying to break into Hollywood?
SALLY
Actually, when I say 'film-making course'... it was really just a club we set up to make videos for "You've Been Framed". We thought we could pay our college fees by staging accidents and filming them.
MARISA
It beats bar work I suppose.
SALLY
Didn't work though. We were rumbled when the TV company realised the accident rate for our university was twenty times the national average, and the bride in all our wedding videos was the same girl. They said it was impossible for a nineteen year old to have been married twelve times.
JOHN
They've got a point.
MARISA
(to Sally)
Well it's the kind of experience which could come in useful to Git-Features over here - he's certainly staging a calamity of some kind.
(Frankie walks up to the table carrying a tray of drinks and sandwiches.)
FRANKIE
Here you are people, tuck in.
(He puts the tray down and turns to Charles.)
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
And something special for you... the bill.
(He pushes the bill into Charles' shirt pocket.)
CHARLES
Will you take a cheque?
FRANKIE
Not from you, no.
CHARLES
You'd take the shirt off my back though...
FRANKIE
Only if it's saleable. And worth more than a tenner. Which I doubt.
(Charles starts digging in his pocket for some money.)
SALLY
Hey Frankie, would you happen to have a fax machine around here?
JOHN
Hey there's an idea! We've done the mobile phone thing, now let's all sit here and fax eachother.
FRANKIE
(to Sally)
I've got one out the back, yeah.
SALLY
With a photocopy function?
FRANKIE
Yeah, I think so.
SALLY
Great!
JOHN
Hurrah! We can all sleep easy in our beds - Frankie has a fax machine! Well I certainly feel better now.
SALLY
(to John)
I could go off you y'know...
JOHN
Just 'cause I don't have a fax machine? You're so fickle.
SALLY
Here's what I thought - Frankie could use his fax to photocopy Simon's script, then we can try out a scene or two, see how it plays.
JOHN
You've got to be kidding.
CHARLES
I think it's a marvellous idea!
SIMON
No way! It's not even finished! And anyway... you'll take the piss.
SALLY
(to Simon)
We won't! Well...
(She looks at Marisa.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
... SHE might... but the rest of us won't.
MARISA
Moi? I'm the soul of discretion. Admittedly, I'm still suffering from the delusion that this place is a cafe, whereas everyone else clearly knows it's an open audition for RADA, but apart from that I'm tact personified.
SALLY
(to Simon)
So whaddya say?
SIMON
No!
SALLY
I'll show you my Golden Globes...?
JOHN
What??!
SALLY
It's a movie-making expression.
MARISA
You're going about this the wrong way Sally. I know Simon. He's the sensitive type. You need to give him time to get used to an idea. You can't just spring something like this on him. It's like boiling a frog - you have to warm up the water gradually or he'll jump out.
(She gets up and puts an arm around Simon.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Simon)
Ain't that right mate. Me old china. My good rockin' buddy...
(She quickly snatches Simon's script out of his hand, and runs a few steps away.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Got it!!
JOHN
I see what you mean - the softly softly approach can work wonders.
(Simon stands up and turns towards Marisa, who holds the script away from him.)
SIMON
Give that back!
MARISA
Possession is nine tenths of the law.
JOHN
(to Marisa)
You can be done for possession, can't you?
MARISA
I think you only get a caution these days.
(Sally stands up.)
SALLY
Come on Simon, how about you choose one scene, and we give it a whirl. You can direct. It'll be a laugh!
CHARLES
(to Sally)
Acting is not something to be taken lightly my dear.
SALLY
Well ok, the rest of us can have a laugh, and Charles can treat it like a death scene from Schindler's List. Do we have a deal?
SIMON
If I direct, you all have to do whatever I say...
SALLY
Scout's honour.
MARISA
(to Sally)
Speak for yourself.
SALLY
Marisa!
MARISA
I mean... dyb dyb dyb.
(She salutes.)
SIMON
Well... ok then...
SALLY
Great!
SIMON
We'll do the hostage scene...
JOHN
Haven't we done that one already tonight...?
(Simon takes the script from Marisa and rifles through it, finds the right page, then hands it to Frankie.)
SIMON
(to Frankie)
Those pages there.
FRANKIE
Ok. It's 10p a copy though.
SIMON
See my producer over there.
(He points to Sally.)
SIMON (CONT'D)
(to Frankie)
And don't think about faxing it to anyone. It's my intellectual property.
FRANKIE
I'll try to resist the temptation.
(He leaves through the door behind the counter.)
JOHN
(to Marisa)
Well...?
MARISA
Well what?
JOHN
Simon described his script as 'intellectual property'. You're not going to let that pass are you?
MARISA
Nah, too easy. It'd be like kicking a puppy dog.
SIMON
Ok everyone, here's the scene. The mob boss has got the hero's girl captured at his hideout. Sally, you can be the girl, and John, you're the lead. You come to rescue her.
CHARLES
What about me?
SIMON
Marisa, you're the femme fatale.
MARISA
Typecast again.
CHARLES
So I'm the mob boss?
SIMON
Um... no. I thought Frankie could play him.
CHARLES
So who am I?
(Frankie enters with the photocopied pages.)
SIMON
Ah Frankie...
SALLY
That was quick.
FRANKIE
Yeah, I decided not to use the fax machine. Used my laser copier instead.
JOHN
(to Sally)
That'll teach you to be clever.
(Simon takes the scripts from Frankie and starts handing them out.)
SIMON
Frankie, you're the Godfather.
FRANKIE
Thanks very much. Oh, I see, you mean in the film...
(Simon gives the last script to Charles.)
SIMON
(to Charles)
That's your bit there.
(He points to a section of the script, then walks away. Charles looks at it.)
CHARLES
I'm not playing that part. I'm a trained actor.
SIMON
Places everyone! Sally, behind the counter, John and Charles, outside! Come on, chop chop!
MARISA
One moment... am I missing a page? There's no mention of a power-crazed twat in my script...?
SIMON
If you want your Equity card, you'll shut up and do your lines.
MARISA
Shut up AND do my lines? I guess this is what they teach you at drama school, eh Charles?
CHARLES
Can I just say, about my part...
SIMON
No. Now get outside.
MARISA
(to Sally)
I think you've created a monster.
(They take their places, John encouraging a reluctant Charles out through the main door. Sally stands behind the counter, Frankie and Marisa nearby. Simon directs from the other side of the stage.)
SIMON
Ok... cue Frankie, and... action.
(Frankie adopts an overly camp voice, with hand gestures to match, and begins reading.)
FRANKIE
(to Marisa,)
"Oooh thank gawd for that. I thought those heavies would never leave."
SIMON
Cut! What was that...?
FRANKIE
I feel my character would be gay.
SIMON
He's NOT gay!
FRANKIE
The script says he's wearing leather and carrying a big gun. I think he's insecure about his sexuality.
SIMON
He is not! Look, I wrote the script, so I'm telling you, he's not gay.
MARISA
(to Simon)
Maybe you were subconsciously projecting your own insecurities onto your characters...?
FRANKIE
It can happen.
SIMON
For god's sake, just get on with it.
MARISA
(to Frankie)
He didn't deny it.
SIMON
Come on!!
MARISA
Ok, ok...
(She looks at the script.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Frankie)
"Oh Roberto, you are much man. My bosom heaves for you."
(She turns to Simon.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
This is a bit incestuous isn't it?
SIMON
You're acting! Get on with it!
FRANKIE
(still camp)
"You're so right, love. Those Ginelli brothers don't know the kind of man they're dealing with."
MARISA
"Oh but I do. You're every inch the man for me."
(She turns to Simon.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
So she's a fag hag is she?
(Simon puts his head in his hands.)
FRANKIE
This script works on so many levels.
MARISA
(to Frankie)
And may I say I'm loving your interpretation.
FRANKIE
Thanks presh.
(He squeezes Marisa's hand.)
SIMON
Will you two just stick to the script!
(Frankie turns back to Marisa.)
FRANKIE
"And it won't be long before you SEE every inch of me, baby, oiled up and ready to go."
MARISA
I feel quite sick.
SALLY
"You won't get away with this Roberto!"
FRANKIE
"Oh yeah? And who's going to stop me?"
SIMON
Walk over to her, Frankie. We're going for a tight two-shot.
MARISA
Is that legal?
(Frankie walks across to Sally.)
SALLY
"Oh, just a man called Dirk."
MARISA
Dick?
SALLY
Dirk.
MARISA
Hang on, is this a comedy?
SIMON
Shut up!! Frankie - stage directions!
FRANKIE
Right...
(He looks at the script, then goes up to Sally and starts stroking her cheek.)
MARISA
Aww, it's like a scene from King Kong.
FRANKIE
"Dirk won't save you now, my pretty."
SALLY
"Damn you Roberto. Why, if my hands weren't tied behind my back, I'd slap you across the face."
(She realises she's holding her script out in front with both hands.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
Oh... sorry...
(She puts her script in her mouth, and her hands behind her back.)
SIMON
(shouting)
Cue John!
(The main door opens and Charles walks in.)
CHARLES
Look, couldn't I play John's part? I really think it's more me.
SIMON
No! Get out!
CHARLES
But it's not fair! You said -
SIMON
John!
(John pushes past Charles and enters the room, then bundles Charles, still arguing, out of the door.)
JOHN
"Not so fast Roberto!"
SALLY
(spitting the script out of her mouth)
"Dirk!"
(John holds out his mobile phone as a makeshift gun, and points it at Frankie.)
JOHN
"Move away from the girl, you scumbag."
MARISA
He's got a phone, and he's not afraid to use it.
SIMON
Marisa!
FRANKIE
"Damn you Dirk, you won't take me alive!"
(Frankie casually turns the page of the script, and continues reading.)
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
Oh...
(He wanders over to the nearest table and crouches behind it.)
MARISA
With reflexes like that, Dirk don't stand a chance.
SIMON
Marisa, will you stop it!
MARISA
I'm improvising! Haven't you ever heard of Mike Leigh?
(John dives behind a nearby table, and starts shooting at Frankie.)
JOHN
Bang... bang... bang...
MARISA
I think this is what they call 'Cinema Verite'...
(Frankie mimes the use of a bow and arrow and fires at John.)
FRANKIE
Twang! Bow and arrow - more environmentally friendly.
SIMON
I don't know why I bothered writing a script...
MARISA
Finally, something we can agree on!
(John grabs a sandwich from the nearby table and throws it at Frankie.)
FRANKIE
Oy! There are starving people in Africa!
SIMON
(shouting)
Charles!
(Charles walks in and stops without saying anything.)
SIMON (CONT'D)
Line!
CHARLES
I'm not doing it. It's a stupid part.
SIMON
Look, it may be a bit under-developed at the moment, but I'll flesh it out in the final draft. I promise.
(Charles stands in silence.)
SIMON (CONT'D)
Come on!!
(Reluctantly, Charles stands with his hands out in front, as if holding something, and irritably speaks his line.)
CHARLES
"Pizza for Mr Pacino."
(Frankie stands up.)
FRANKIE
"Oooh pizza!"
(John shoots him.)
JOHN
Bang!
(Frankie dramatically clutches his chest, and staggers around.)
SIMON
Die Frankie!
FRANKIE
Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
SIMON
That wasn't in the script!
MARISA
You don't say.
(Frankie staggers into the centre of the stage, and with a flourish, collapses on the floor.)
JOHN
(to Sally)
"Samantha! Thank god you're alright!"
(He rushes over to Sally.)
SALLY
"Oh Dirk!"
(They embrace passionately and start kissing, Sally running her hands through John's hair. She stops for a moment to speak.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
(to John)
Are we still acting?
JOHN
No.
(They kiss again. Still in eachother's arms, they slide down behind the counter.)
MARISA
I thought her hands were tied...?
(John pops his head above the counter.)
JOHN
I've cut through the red tape.
(He disappears again.)
SIMON
Ok, cue me!
(He leaps up, rushes over to Charles, and shoots him repeatedly with an imaginary machine gun. Charles stands disinterestedly.)
MARISA
You've just shot the pizza delivery boy...?
(She looks down at her script.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
I mean... "Thank god you're here, Hank."
(She looks back at Simon.)
MARISA (CONT'D)
Hank??
SIMON
Sounds like hunk.
CHARLES
Sounds like wank.
SIMON
Charles, will you die please?
(Charles sulkily walks over to the nearest table, picks up a chair, carries it back to where he was standing, and sits down with his arms folded.)
CHARLES
(to Simon)
Happy now?
MARISA
I'm really not following this plot.
SIMON
It'll all make sense in the edit. Now come on, read the final stage direction.
(Marisa looks at the script, then back at Simon.)
MARISA
If you think I'm kissing you in public, you've got another thing coming.
(There's a noise over at the counter, and John and Sally stand up, their hair tousled and clothes untidy. John leads Sally out by the hand from behind the counter.)
JOHN
Er... we're gonna make a move now if that's ok. It's been... um... real.
MARISA
Same time again tomorrow chaps?
JOHN
Um... we'll let you know.
(He tries to lead Sally towards the door.)
SALLY
It's been great meeting you all.
(She looks at Charles.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
Well... most of you.
(She turns back to Marisa.)
SALLY (CONT'D)
And I'll let you know about that girls' night out.
JOHN
(to Sally)
Come on...!
SALLY
(to Marisa)
He's a bit impatient to get home and... um... feed his guinea pig.
MARISA
Well I've heard some euphemisms in my time...
SALLY
Bye Frankie!
(Frankie doesn't move. John continues leading Sally towards the door.)
SIMON
We should do this again sometime.
JOHN
We will. Just as soon as Porky Pig gets a pilot's license.
MARISA
(to John)
You never did say what YOU do for a living.
JOHN
E-mail me at the Good Food Guide and I'll tell you.
MARISA
That better be a joke.
(John smiles innocently.)
JOHN
(to Sally)
Now come on!
SALLY
See you all soon!
JOHN
Yeah, yeah, missing you already...
(They exchange goodbyes as John drags Sally out the door.)
MARISA
Ahhh young love. Ain't it wonderful.
SIMON
Certainly is. So what about our screen kiss?
MARISA
If you'd been screened, I'd kiss you.
SIMON
Really?
MARISA
Perhaps. No man is an island.
SIMON
Except men called Barry.
MARISA
True. But no WOMAN is an island. And besides, I want to find out if there's any truth in that graffiti about you.
SIMON
Which bit?
MARISA
Well, there's the birthmark for a start.
SIMON
The writing's on the wall...
MARISA
Prove it.
(Simon looks at her and pauses for a few moments before speaking.)
SIMON
Alright.
(He grabs her hand, and they run off into the toilets. Charles begins to get something out of his pocket. Frankie sits up and looks at the toilet door as it closes.)
FRANKIE
Thank god for that. The trouble I go to just to get that pair together. Took me ages to draw that picture.
(He pauses, then turns to look at Charles. Charles produces a sandwich from a "Jimmy's" bag and takes a bite.)
CURTAIN CLOSES
END OF PLAY
