CAST OF CHARACTERS
ADAM – male, 40s, presenter of a phone-in radio show. Relaxed and self assured, but not so arrogant as to be dislikeable. Dressed casually.
RUSSELL – male, mid 40s to mid 50s. The father of the household. Generally tetchy and dissatisfied.
PAULINE – female, mid to late 40s, wife of Russell. Calm and collected.
LUCY – female, 18 years old, daughter of Russell and Pauline. Dressed in pyjamas.
HELEN – female, 18 years old, Lucy’s best friend. A little wacky, and a little overweight. Wearing jeans.
PIZZA BOY – male, late teens to early 20s, tall, dark and handsome. Dressed in the uniform of a pizza delivery company.
RADIO CALLERS
MARGARET – female, 50s to 60s
SIMON – male, 17 years old
DAVE – male, 40s, London accent JOHNNY – male, 40s
WILFRED – male, 60s to 70s GRAHAM – male, 40s to 50s
MALCOLM – male, 30s to 50s LISA – female, 30s to 40s
DEBORAH – female, 20s to 40sBILL – male, 20s to 50s
PAUL – male, 30s to 50s MATT – male, 20s
GEORGE – male, 50s to 70s SASHA – female, 20s to 30s
BOB – male, 40s to 50s JOANNE – female, 20s to 30s
DENNIS – male, 40s to 50s PETER – male, 20s to 30s
JASON – male, 20s BARRY – male, 40s to 50s
SCOTT – male, 20s
PRODUCTION NOTES
The play features a split stage, with a radio studio to one side and a domestic scene to the other. Action is divided between the two, dictated by whether the radio is on or off. When turned on, the radio studio should instantly light up and come to life, returning to semi-darkness and silence when the radio is switched off again. The domestic scene should be lit constantly, as action may take place while the radio plays. The callers to the radio show need not be visible, and may be played by a limited number of actors. Should cast size allow, however, a small area at the centre of the stage may be reserved for each caller to appear in turn, lit by spotlight whenever his or her call goes to air.
ACT ONE
(9pm on an August Saturday evening. The stage is divided into two. To the left is a small radio station studio, complete with mixing desk and microphone, behind which sits ADAM, wearing a pair of headphones. He is silently looking through a few pages of notes, and drinking a cup of coffee. The right of the stage is taken up by a typical domestic kitchen scene, featuring a table in the centre. On the table sits a radio. Two doors lead from the kitchen, one at the rear of the stage, and one exiting stage right. The kitchen is occupied by PAULINE, who is busy making a sandwich. RUSSELL enters via the right hand door.)
RUSSELL
She says she's not coming down.
PAULINE
Well leave her then. She's not well.
RUSSELL
So she says. I didn't see any evidence of it myself. Happily chatting away on the phone to god-knows-who, she was. And making a point of mentioning her breasts.
PAULINE
On the phone?
RUSSELL
No, to me.
PAULINE
She's eighteen, she's trying to wind you up.
RUSSELL
Yes, by staying in bed and expecting us all to come running every five minutes. She'll be phoning down for a sandwich next.
(Pauline finishes making the sandwich and presents it to Russell.)
PAULINE
Already has. Take it up for me, will you.
RUSSELL
What's supposed to be wrong with her anyway?
PAULINE
I've told you, it's women's problems.
RUSSELL
By which you mean she's allowed to live like an aristocratic sloth for a day, and anyone with an Adam's apple isn't allowed to know why.
PAULINE
Not anyone, just you.
RUSSELL
This is your fault. I always wanted a son. You probably chose the wrong diet around the time of conception.
PAULINE
Or possibly just the wrong man.
RUSSELL
And another thing, who was that bloke who came round this afternoon? Up there for half an hour with her, he was.
PAULINE
I don't know.
RUSSELL
Well he wasn't a doctor.
PAULINE
I wouldn't know. I don't ask.
RUSSELL
She's having all manner of men up in her room, day and night, we don't have a clue who they are, and you're not worried?
PAULINE
She's eighteen. She leads her own life. And it's not 'all manner of men'. It was one man, for twenty minutes, and he seemed very nice. I gave him a cup of tea when he came down.
RUSSELL
You might as well offer him a cigarette and a shower.
PAULINE
Don't be vulgar. Now, are you going to take that sandwich or not?
RUSSELL
In a minute. I need to go to the toilet.
(He stands up.)
PAULINE
Prostate playing up?
RUSSELL
No. And it's not excitement either.
(He slowly walks over to the door at the back of the stage.)
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
I blame that college. If they'd insisted she do English A-level, like I suggested, she might have a steady boyfriend by now.
PAULINE
And exactly how is her choice of A-level going to affect her choice of men?
RUSSELL
It's about expressing yourself. That girl's vocabulary is as bad as "like, whatever".
(Russell exits through the door. Pauline walks over to the radio and switches it on. When she does, the radio studio to the left of the stage instantly lights up and comes to life. Intro music is heard for a few seconds, then as the music fades, Adam begins to speak.)
ADAM
Good evening, you're listening to Talk FM, my name's Adam Branch, that was the news, and this is The Adam Branch Show. The time is just after 9 o'clock, and the sun has set on the one and only Saturday which is this one. And boy was it another stunner. Aren't the sunsets beautiful these days? Just one of the positive effects of pollution, ladies and gentlemen. The colours of nature are more rich and vibrant than they've ever been. It's fantastic. And with global warming giving us drier summers than ever, the leaves on the trees have a higher concentration of sugar, meaning we're set for the most vivid autumn shades we will ever have seen. Spectacular reds, yellows and browns, the like of which we won't have witnessed before. It's going to be stunning. Isn't the world fantastic? And if that isn't enough to get excited about, after ten o'clock we'll be doing our best to give away five thousand pounds to one lucky listener. Not entirely sure why, but the commercial director liked the idea. So stay tuned for that. In the meantime, we're going to prove that we've learnt nothing from the last hour of the show, by continuing with the same format. Which, of course, is no format. We're just chewing the cud, taking calls as they come in, talking about whatever's on your mind. So if you're sure you've got one of those, the number's 0800 20 30 40. Every call is like a blind date. You never know who you're gonna get, but you just pray they're human. So let's find out by going straight to line one and saying good evening, you're live on Talk FM.
(The rear kitchen door opens, and Russell walks in.)
MARGARET
(on the radio)
Oh good evening, who are you?
ADAM
I can be anyone you want me to be.
(Russell strolls up to the radio and switches it off. The studio sinks into darkness and silence.)
RUSSELL
Do you have to listen to that rubbish? You're proving my point about Lucy. They let her do Media Studies, and suddenly the whole house is addicted to trash TV and phone-in radio. You should be reading a book.
(He picks up Lucy's sandwich.)
PAULINE
What, like the quality literature you tackle? Sitting in bed reading SAS survival guides, when the closest you've come to a trip down the Amazon is logging on to buy the book.
RUSSELL
A book is a book. If Lucy read more, instead of watching TV, she might have a chance of getting a proper job. Something worthwhile. Not everyone's wasting their lives in the arts. There are good jobs out there, people doing important work. Scientists.
PAULINE
Nuclear technicians.
RUSSELL
Exactly.
PAULINE
Like Homer Simpson.
(Russell walks to the door stage right.)
RUSSELL
I don't know why I bother.
(Russell exits. Pauline immediately turns the radio back on, and begins tidying up the kitchen.)
ADAM
We'll try line two instead. Good evening, YOU'RE on Talk FM...
DAVE
Oh yeah, Adam? It's Dave. You were talking about pollution and that? And sunsets?
ADAM
Yes! Fantastic!
DAVE
Well, no, not really Adam.
ADAM
Oh.
DAVE
You know, you've got to think about what it's doing to your kids, mate. Like, cars and stuff. If we go around saying pollution's alright, then it's your boys who are gonna get asthma, like. They're the one's who are gonna suffer. You've got to think of things like that, you know? You shouldn't really talk about the sunsets and the leaves, 'cause, like, you don't know what's gonna happen to your kids.
ADAM
My god, you're right Dave. Thanks very much indeed. There I was, about to be a bad dad, and you came along. Thankyou.
DAVE
That's it, you know-
ADAM
You've saved my life. What can I say.
DAVE
I know-
ADAM
You've saved my boys' lives.
DAVE
Yeah, and-
ADAM
You've given us something else to worry about and be frightened of.
DAVE
I dunno, like-
ADAM
Perhaps you'd like to tell us why it's a bad idea to give away five grand in the next hour as well? I'm sure you could come up with a reason.
DAVE
No, it's just, like-
ADAM
Money's the root of all evil. We're probably about to ruin someone's life.
DAVE
No, I mean-
ADAM
I wish you were a mate, I'd go for a beer with you. I bet you could frighten me with lots of things, couldn't you.
DAVE
Well, yeah, could do mate. I'd love to go for a beer with you Ad, but I dunno, sort of a hundred miles apart, I live in Norwich, like, whereas you-
ADAM
In Norwich!
DAVE
Yeah-
ADAM
I might've guessed!
DAVE
I dunno, you can't tell by my accent though mate-
ADAM
No no, not so much the accent, more the depth and breadth of your wisdom.
DAVE
Right. Yeah. I've got a little boy-
ADAM
It's the flatlands you see.
DAVE
Oh, tell me about it, like, you know-
ADAM
It's a natural breeding ground for the intellect: flatlands.
DAVE
Beautiful though like. Tomorrow I'm taking my boy down the coast, and-
ADAM
If you look at America for example, where do all those big-eared, buck-toothed hillbillies live? Up the mountains.
DAVE
Yeah that's right.
ADAM
But where does intellect, and indeed commerce, flourish, but in the great valleys of California - flat as a pancake.
DAVE
That's right, yeah.
ADAM
Just like Norfolk.
DAVE
I'm a Londoner though mate.
ADAM
Yes you are, but you've been in Norfolk long enough to pick up something of what makes them tick. I can tell.
DAVE
Nine years, yeah.
ADAM
It's a vision thing isn't it.
DAVE
Yeah.
ADAM
Do they still do the quiz of the week? Do you remember? When we were boys? "From Norwich, it's the quiz of the week".
(Dave sings the theme tune from 'Sale of the Century'. Adam joins in.)
DAVE
I think he ended up in stockings and suspenders, didn't he?
(Adam disconnects the call.)
ADAM
We'll move on. Dave, it's been lovely talking to you. And you're quite right. Remember, whatever happens in life, whatever thought you have, whatever innovation, however much joy and pleasure you want to bring to somebody, always check out the worst case scenario. It will (a) dampen your day, possibly leave you feeling quite depressed about the whole business of being a human being, and (b) it will necessarily lead to absolute inertia, because if you go to the worst case scenario in anything at all, you'll realise that the best thing to do is NOTHING. Thanks for that Dave. The number's 0800 20 30 40. Let's see who's on line three...
(The kitchen door opens and Russell enters, still carrying the sandwich on a plate.)
SIMON
(on the radio)
Oh hi, I'm Simon from Slough.
ADAM
No need to apologise.
SIMON
I wasn't.
ADAM
Good, that's the first step.
SIMON
Sorry?
ADAM
Oh, and it was going so well.
(Russell marches over to the radio and turns it off.)
RUSSELL
I take it all back. That girl is far more ill than I realised.
PAULINE
Didn't she like her sandwich?
RUSSELL
Not as much as she liked the idea of having me bring it back down.
PAULINE
She's off her food, poor love.
RUSSELL
She's not off her food, she's off her head. She's sitting up there now with a stuffed donkey, talking the biggest load of rubbish since...
(He looks around for inspiration.)
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
...since I turned off that radio.
PAULINE
She's just feeling a bit under the weather, that's all.
RUSSELL
She's not under the weather, the girl's in her element. But then they say the mad are happy. It's the family who suffer.
PAULINE
(indicating the sandwich)
Well you might as well eat that yourself then.
RUSSELL
Oh no, that would be far too simple. She wants it back, but with pickle this time.
PAULINE
She doesn't like pickle.
RUSSELL
I expect she's pregnant. Or maybe she wants it for the donkey. Who knows. But nothing would surprise me.
PAULINE
Give it here then.
(Russell gives the sandwich to Pauline, and sits down. Pauline begins to remake the sandwich.)
RUSSELL
Oh, and I knew it was a mistake to let her have that TV in her bedroom for the past five years. You wouldn't believe what it's done to her mind. She's turned News at Ten into some kind of porn channel.
PAULINE
What ARE you talking about?
RUSSELL
That's what I said to her.
PAULINE
And?
RUSSELL
Oh forget I said anything, it's probably all perfectly normal. Most things that go on in this house are. I seem to be the only one who wonders what the heck is going on. Everyone else seems quite happy with it all. So it's clearly my problem. I expect I was off sick the day they explained all this at school.
(Offstage, a door is heard closing.)
PAULINE
Was that the front door?
RUSSELL
That'll be Helen.
PAULINE
Oh, I didn't know she was coming over. Did we leave the door open?
RUSSELL
No no, she's got her own key.
PAULINE
Since when?
RUSSELL
Oh come on Pauline, get with the programme. Helen's eighteen. It's only natural she has the key to her best friend's house. We don't want her forced to ring the doorbell. It's practically a breach of her human rights.
(The door at the back of the stage opens, and HELEN enters.)
HELEN
Oh, hi! I let myself in, hope that's ok!
RUSSELL
(standing up)
That's what keys are for! Come right in Helen.
HELEN
Thanks Russell.
(She turns to Pauline.)
HELEN (CONT'D)
Hi Pauline!
RUSSELL
(to Helen)
And may I say how much I enjoy you using our Christian names. It's so much less formal isn't it?
PAULINE
(to Helen)
Ignore him, it's his time of the month. It's nice to see you, Helen. Can I get you a drink or anything?
HELEN
Oh, no thanks. I'll go straight up if that's ok.
RUSSELL
Of course, I'll show you up there myself.
HELEN
Oh, there's no need, Russ.
RUSSELL
It's no problem... Hel. I'm going that way anyway. I have a food parcel to deliver. Follow me.
(Russell picks up the remade sandwich, and strolls out of the door stage right.)
HELEN
(to Pauline)
Is he alright?
PAULINE
I think he's feeling a little outnumbered. The last of a dying breed. But he'll get over it. Take no notice of him.
(Pauline walks over to the radio and turns it back on. Helen follows Russell out the door.)
ADAM
... But for the rest of us, things are on the up and up. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The number's 0800 20 30 40. We'll go to line four. Hello, you're on Talk FM.
WILFRED
Oh, good evening, my name's Wilfred, am I on now?
ADAM
You're broadcasting to the nation, Wilfred.
WILFRED
Oh, good evening. I was listening to the midnight news on Radio 4 last night, and the last item, the LAST mark you, on the news, was the train crash at Fenchurch Street. Twelve people slightly injured and three people seriously injured, and it's not news any more. You know, three people SERIOUSLY injured in a train crash and it doesn't merit headline news or even anything news.
ADAM
Was it the first you'd heard about it?
WILFRED
No, I'd heard it earlier in the evening, but what got me-
ADAM
Do you think there's anybody who hasn't heard about it by midnight?
WILFRED
No-
ADAM
Well it doesn't need to be on the news at all then, does it, if you think about it.
WILFRED
Well-
ADAM
Does it?
WILFRED
Train crashes man? Are they everyday news?
ADAM
No, keep up here Wilf, I'm saying that if everybody's heard about it, it doesn't need to be in the news, because it's not news any more is it. It's old.
WILFRED
It happened that day man.
ADAM
And everybody knows about it man.
WILFRED
Yeah but-
ADAM
What is the news then? A reminder of what's important, or information that you didn't already know?
WILFRED
No-
ADAM
What is it? What is the news, I'm asking you what the news is, Wilf. The clue's in the first three letters.
WILFRED
The news is what's happened that day.
ADAM
Says who?
WILFRED
What's happened in broadness today.
ADAM
So at 1:00am then, we've got no news, because nothing's happened so far today?
WILFRED
No, but this has happened sometime yesterday, and it's the last item, after some politician retiring, and blah de blah, "oh by the way, there was a train crash today and three people were SERIOUSLY injured".
ADAM
Yeah, I've explained this one already, and you haven't really tried to grasp my explanation. If anything, it didn't need to be on the news at all because everybody already knows about it and there's no further information to add.
WILFRED
Well I disagree, and-
ADAM
Why? Explain why you disagree.
WILFRED
It's an ongoing story isn't it.
ADAM
In what way? What ongoing information do you suppose there might have been which you haven't already got?
WILFRED
Well there's the issue of rail privatisation.
ADAM
That's not news.
WILFRED
Well I beg to differ.
ADAM
Well I'm afraid you're simply wrong. That's not news. That's current affairs.
WILFRED
Well what's news then?
ADAM
News, as I've said twice already, is something that's happened that you might want to know about, that you don't already know.
WILFRED
Right, oh right. Well I would like to know if it's safe to go on the railways today.
ADAM
That's current affairs.
WILFRED
Is it?
ADAM
Yes.
(The kitchen door opens and Russell enters, holding one hand to his ear, and grimacing in pain. He stops for a moment to check his hand for blood, finds none, and returns the hand to the side of his head. Pauline watches him.)
WILFRED
Well to my mind... I mean... this happened yesterday morning.
ADAM
Yeah, you don't have to say that a fifth time.
WILFRED
Well I do have to say it, because I believe that people ought to know. If it's the last item on Radio 4's half hour midnight news, they may miss it, thinking "oh well, I'm going to bed now that politician's retired".
ADAM
No, that doesn't happen.
WILFRED
Does it not? Everybody always stays awake for the weather forecast do they?
(Pauline turns off the radio, and looks at Russell.)
PAULINE
Would you like to tell me what's happened to your ear?
RUSSELL
Nope.
(Russell turns the radio back on, then, as Adam's show continues, he walks to the freezer, takes out a bag of frozen peas, and sits down at the table, clutching the peas to his ear.)
ADAM
Tell me, why on earth are you ringing up and complaining about this and Radio 4 to Talk FM? Why's that?
WILFRED
Because there isn't anyone to ring at Radio 4, so I have to ring you, don't I.
ADAM
Well you have done. And I've explained why what has happened has happened.
WILFRED
"It's not news"? It only happened yesterday!
ADAM
Yes, you don't understand what news is.
WILFRED
Excuse me. Put it this way, if I buy today's newspaper, I will read what's happened yesterday. That's news.
ADAM
There's a difference between broadcast news and print news.
WILFRED
It's the emphasis of the news. There was a train crash, and three people were SERIOUSLY injured.
ADAM
Please don't say that again.
WILFRED
What?
ADAM
The whole thing's a load of old rubbish frankly.
WILFRED
What is?
ADAM
The news. People like you, who find yourself overly concerned about news priorities, are victims. Victims of a national or international obsession with the news. I bet you turn on your radio or your TV first thing in the morning just to see if a president's been shot or a country's been invaded. And then you're stuck with the news all day, monitoring it, checking how much time is given to each individual story, seeing whether it tallies with your own personal set of priorities.
WILFRED
No no no-
ADAM
God has spoken to me Wilfred, and what I'm here to tell you is-
WILFRED
What I'm here to tell YOU is, I want to know if it's safe to get on a train in the morning.
ADAM
What you should be asking yourself is WHY you're getting on a train in the morning.
WILFRED
To get somewhere. From A to B.
ADAM
Where?
WILFRED
Well-
ADAM
Where?
WILFRED
Wherever.
ADAM
Wherever isn't a good answer you see. You need to tell me that you ARE getting on a train in the morning.
WILFRED
Well I may not be now.
ADAM
Exactly.
(He disconnects the call.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
Fear. Fear is the end result of any brush with the news. It doesn't matter what the news story is, it will somehow, somewhere, make you just that teeny bit afraid. It might be a nothing story about a celebrity and drink, and bang, suddenly you're frightened because YOU'RE not a celebrity and when YOU die no one will notice. That's fear. Fear lurks behind the bushes in every single news story. Go ahead, I challenge you, 0800 20 30 40, give me a news story, any news story, today, yesterday, this week, this millennium. Just ONE that doesn't induce fear. And you've really got to go to John Craven's newsround, or the equivalent thereof, and those stories which go "a baby for Joanne the llama at Colchester zoo" before you get a news story that doesn't make you feel insecure and worried. Nervous. Out of control.
(Adam pauses for a moment. The kitchen door opens and Helen strolls in wearing a noticeably different top, and eating Lucy's sandwich.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
We'll move on. Line five, good evening, you're live on Talk FM.
JOHNNY
(on the radio)
Oh hi Adam, you were talking about the upbringing of children earlier..?
(Pauline turns off the radio. Helen looks at Russell.)
HELEN
I'm not sure that's the best way to cook peas, Russ. You should try the microwave.
RUSSELL
I'm not cooking them. I'm eating them by osmosis.
HELEN
Screwy wabbit.
RUSSELL
What?
PAULINE
(to Helen)
Didn't Lucy want her sandwich?
HELEN
No, she doesn't like pickle.
PAULINE
(to Russell)
I did tell you.
RUSSELL
Oh yes, my fault clearly.
PAULINE
(to Helen)
He can't get anything right.
HELEN
Well it's Lucy's loss. This is a damn fine sandwich, Mrs M.
RUSSELL
Oh please, call her Pauline.
PAULINE
(to Helen)
Would you like a drink to go with it?
HELEN
A cup of tea would be lovely.
PAULINE
No problem.
(She turns the kettle on.)
HELEN
Oh, and Lucy wants you upstairs, if you've got a moment.
PAULINE
Oh right. Russell, make the tea, will you.
RUSSELL
Why of course. After all, I'm not a woman, I still have the use of my arms.
HELEN
Thanks Russ.
(Helen sits down at the table with her sandwich. Russell puts down the bag of peas, and gets up. Pauline walks over to the door. Russell stops for a moment and stares at Helen.)
RUSSELL
Weren't you wearing a different top earlier?
HELEN
Your mind's playing tricks again, Russell. Have you had a bump on the head lately?
PAULINE
(to Russell)
You never comment on what I'm wearing.
RUSSELL
I wouldn't dare.
(Pauline leaves through the door stage right. Russell puts a tea bag into a mug. While he waits for the kettle to boil, he picks up the bag of peas and walks over to the freezer.)
HELEN
You're not putting those back in the freezer are you?
RUSSELL
Any reason why I shouldn't?
HELEN
Germs.
RUSSELL
Peas can't catch germs, they lack a central nervous system.
HELEN
You know what I mean.
RUSSELL
In the unlikely event of me introducing a deadly ear virus into this freezer, I'm sure the hostile environment will render it harmless. Much like the effect this house has on me.
HELEN
Have it your own way. Just don't expect me to eat here in future.
RUSSELL
Every cloud...
(He puts the peas in the freezer.)
HELEN
Hey, you'd miss me if I came round for dinner less than five times a week.
RUSSELL
I'd get over it.
HELEN
They say that for a man, ten minutes of looking at a woman's breasts is equivalent to half an hour of aerobic exercise. You'd get fat without me here.
RUSSELL
I do not look at your... chest.
HELEN
Breasts.
RUSSELL
Can we change the subject?
HELEN
Ok. How's your prostate?
RUSSELL
Right, let's put the radio on.
HELEN
Whatever happened to the art of conversation?
RUSSELL
It's been rubbed out.
(He turns the radio on. The studio lights up momentarily, but before Adam can speak, Helen turns the radio off again.)
HELEN
Can't we just chat?
RUSSELL
No.
(He turns the radio back on, and as the show continues, he makes tea for both himself and Helen.)
ADAM
Ok, go ahead.
MALCOLM
(on the radio)
You are teaching the philosophy of complacency, and I disagree that you can't do anything about the news. GM foods - you can by protesting. Nuclear power - you can by protesting. BSE - you can by protesting. You can alter things, issues, and newsworthy events like privatisation. I think that continually propagandising that we're all somehow impotent and helpless, and we can't do anything to change the world around us, is just another example of "give 'em circuses not bread".
ADAM
Are you happy?
MALCOLM
I'm not happy, but I can-
ADAM
Sorry, back up, say that again.
MALCOLM
I can affect-
ADAM
No no, say that again, say that again-
MALCOLM
No, because you're diverting the subject.
ADAM
I'm not, I'm asking you if you're happy, and you were brave enough, and you were strong enough, and I admire you - you said you're not happy.
MALCOLM
I'm not happy with the news, so therefore I try to affect it by protesting, by writing, by speaking to other people.
ADAM
I didn't ask if you were happy with the news, I asked you if YOU are happy.
MALCOLM
Well what's that got to do with the news?
ADAM
Are you happy?
MALCOLM
That has nothing to do with the news.
ADAM
It has everything to do with the news.
MALCOLM
It is a separate issue.
ADAM
It is not a separate issue.
MALCOLM
I'm talking about the news, and you're talking about my personal emotions.
ADAM
Precisely. Of course I am. Because I care about you.
MALCOLM
You don't.
ADAM
I do! I care about you more than any journalist alive. I care about YOU. That's why I have shed journalism. That's why I have turned my back on this satan.
MALCOLM
I want to follow up what the previous caller was saying. Sport has a role, but it shouldn't take the place of issues which affect us all. Especially in the news agenda.
ADAM
What do you think is the reason that you're not as happy as you could be?
MALCOLM
Because I don't have all the facts. I need more information.
ADAM
To do what, my petal?
MALCOLM
To alter, to protest, to object-
ADAM
Do you suppose that if you were to be seen as an issue yourself-
MALCOLM
You're talking about-
ADAM
No, can I, can I-
MALCOLM
No-
ADAM
Please play the game of conversation with me, don't be so rude-
MALCOLM
Because you're-
ADAM
Please play the game of conversation with me!
(There is silence for a moment.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
It's just a matter of politeness.
MALCOLM
Ok.
ADAM
Thankyou. You do know what I'm talking about here.
MALCOLM
You're trying to alter the subject.
ADAM
You are haranguing me, and you're not having a conversation. Now, I do conversation, I'm good at conversation. You're not. So far.
MALCOLM
Go on then.
ADAM
Now just join in and play the game here. It's like in tennis, someone constantly hitting the ball into the crowd. What would happen? People wouldn't be interested. It's a two way thing, you've got to play the game-
MALCOLM
If you keep-
ADAM
-and LISTEN, and concentrate and reply, and then make your point - that's how it works.
MALCOLM
Ok, if you keep to the same subject I was speaking about.
ADAM
That's precisely what I am doing.
MALCOLM
Ok.
ADAM
It's important you understand that your first job is your own self and soul.
MALCOLM
No, negative. There's such a thing as sacrifice for others. Or are we all going to say that we're more important than our children?
ADAM
You don't understand me.
MALCOLM
You're suggesting that the most important thing in my life is myself. Well no, not in every case.
ADAM
Can I say that I do find it obstructive in a conversation when somebody tells you what they think they've heard.
MALCOLM
Well you're telling me what to think.
ADAM
No, I'm asking you to have a conversation with me and not be so aggressive. You need a diazepam.
MALCOLM
I'm only aggressive because I'm up against a person who constantly tries to divert the subject into trivia. Something so minor it's of no consequence.
ADAM
Trivia??
MALCOLM
You are talking about nothing.
ADAM
I, my friend, am talking about the very seat of you. Your you-ness. Your who-you-are-ness. What is that, where does it live, is it in your brain or is it in your breast?
(Russell, who by now is sitting at the table drinking a cup of tea, spits it out upon hearing the word "breast". Helen shakes her head despairingly.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
What is it that makes you tick? What is it that lifts you, makes your spirits soar? For me it can be the sight of a cheetah running in slow motion, or a child's laughter, or an athlete breasting the tape and realising that it was worth it. All those things will make me cry, and I'm in touch with myself and whatever it is about me that cares so much about each person I bump into along the way. Because there ARE issues, sure, of course there are issues, there are big issues, but my chief point - and I refer you back to all the important teachings down through time - all the teachings say that you're not going to be able to fix anything-
MALCOLM
No, this is a diversion-
ADAM
Unless you begin by fixing yourself.
MALCOLM
You're diverting the subject!
ADAM
You have no idea about GM foods or BSE or the Middle East, you have no idea about the actual morality or philosophy of those issues if you are not completely at one with yourself.
MALCOLM
Nonsense! Go and sit on a pile of nuclear plutonium and see how in touch with morality and spirituality you are. It's nothing to do with that whatsoever, they're separate issues. The issue I'm talking about is whether we should be taking notice of news and current affairs above sport and other circuses, and I say that your environment is more important - where you're going to live, where your children are going to live.
ADAM
Well you know, you're just coming across as a busybody, it's as simple as that.
MALCOLM
A busybody?
ADAM
An ant at life's picnic.
MALCOLM
So if tomorrow they say that the economy has collapsed, and your money, the value of your pound, is worth half a cent, you'll be saying I'm a busybody?
ADAM
You see, you've fallen into the trap again of being pessimistic and offering the worst case scenario. If you had said you could wake up tomorrow and find out that the economy has grown, and the value of your pound is ten times what it is today, then I would have lost my argument. But what you have shown is that by your constant exposure to, and possibly even obsession with, the news, you have become utterly pessimistic about everything. I'm afraid I've aced you Malc. I've broken your service. I win. But do call again. The number's 0800 20 30 40.
(The kitchen door opens and Pauline walks in.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
Right, we've gone all the way around the board, so let's head back to the top and say hello to line one...
(Russell sees Pauline enter.)
RUSSELL
Oh, thank god...
(He turns off the radio.)
HELEN
Hey, I was listening to that.
RUSSELL
Don't you start.
(He turns to Pauline.)
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
So how's our precious daughter?
PAULINE
Hungry.
RUSSELL
She didn't ask for another pickle sandwich did she?
PAULINE
I'm not convinced she asked for the first one.
(Pauline begins to make another sandwich.)
RUSSELL
Oh yes, I forgot, that was all part of my fiendish plan to take over the world by having you make a sandwich I knew she wouldn't eat.
PAULINE
You know, sometimes I think Lucy could be onto something...
RUSSELL
Oh yes? And what pearls of wisdom has the malingering bint been offering up this time?
HELEN
Malingering bint?
RUSSELL
It's a term of affection. That's why you've never heard it.
HELEN
Oooh!
RUSSELL
(to Pauline)
So come on, what's her new theory? Men are from Mars, women are from Snickers?
HELEN
I think I speak for us all when I say... "eh?"
PAULINE
(to Russell)
She thinks you're mentally disabled.
RUSSELL
Oh does she indeed.
HELEN
She's onto you, Russ.
RUSSELL
Well she can bloody well snog my donkey.
PAULINE
I think the phrase is 'kiss my ass'.
RUSSELL
Not with her it isn't. The girl's obsessed with a cuddly Eeyore, for god's sake. And I'll tell you another thing, I'm not paying for any more of those driving lessons.
HELEN
Wow, that's, like, so off topic it's actually trippy.
RUSSELL
She's ruining the clutch on that car.
HELEN
You should get her an automatic, like mine. It's like driving a bumper car.
RUSSELL
It is the way YOU drive.
HELEN
Hey, I haven't hit anything in ages.
RUSSELL
That's only because people clear the roads the moment they see you coming.
PAULINE
Russell, will you calm down? And don't speak to Helen like that, she's a guest.
HELEN
(to Russell)
Yeah, be nice to me, or I won't play with you any more.
PAULINE
Lucy was simply making a point about the way our minds work. Put it this way, if I say "think of an orange", what do you think of?
RUSSELL
An orange?
PAULINE
Exactly. You're mentally disabled.
RUSSELL
Hello? Earth to sanity? Have they put something in the sandwich pickle?
HELEN
(to Pauline)
I thought of a Jaffa Cake. Does that make me sane?
RUSSELL
Right, that's it, where's Beadle?
PAULINE
(to Helen)
I think it makes you a woman, love.
RUSSELL
(looking around)
There's got to be a hidden camera around here somewhere.
HELEN
I think Lucy's very perceptive. She should get into recruitment.
RUSSELL
That would, of course, involve her getting out of bed...
PAULINE
I've told you, she's ill.
RUSSELL
Yes, and she won't be happy until we're all right there with her in the funny farm.
HELEN
That may be so, but think of all the money we could make from wicker furniture.
RUSSELL
Is there any danger of someone making a sensible comment around here?
(Pauline finishes making the sandwich.)
PAULINE
Not while you're here, no. So how about doing your bit for the conversation by taking this up to Lucy.
RUSSELL
If she asks for pickle again, I won't be responsible for my actions.
PAULINE
She won't, and you never have been. Now go.
(Russell takes the sandwich and moves toward the door.)
RUSSELL
I tell you, I'm this far from starting a men-only commune.
(He exits through the door stage right.)
HELEN
I love your husband, Mrs M. He's screwy. If you don't want him any more, can I have him?
PAULINE
Help yourself. He needs regular exercise though. And he has a habit of leaving little messages around the house. Usually on post-it notes.
HELEN
Cool, I can handle that. May I use your toilet, I think the excitement's getting to me.
PAULINE
Sure. And wash your hands - you've been playing with my husband, there's no telling what you might have picked up.
HELEN
Will do.
(She leaves through the door at the back of the stage. Pauline turns the radio on.)
ADAM
What a nice man. I wonder what he rang up about? Never mind. The number's 0800 20 30 40. It's a free call. And sometimes it's a freak call. We'll go to line two. Good evening, and welcome to Talk FM.
DEBORAH
Oh hi Adam, can I ask you a question?
ADAM
You just have.
DEBORAH
I was wondering if you read the Bible?
ADAM
Not while I'm on air, no.
DEBORAH
Only I've recently found Jesus.
ADAM
Oh have you.
DEBORAH
Yes.
ADAM
Where did you find him, down the back of the sofa?
DEBORAH
No-
ADAM
Or are you some kind of bounty hunter?
DEBORAH
If I could just-
ADAM
Did you turn him in?
DEBORAH
I found him-
ADAM
I hope the reward was good.
DEBORAH
The reward, Adam, was eternal life.
ADAM
Blimey, I wish I'd seen the posters. What's your name by the way?
DEBORAH
It's Deborah.
ADAM
Do you believe in Santa Claus, Deborah?
DEBORAH
Santa Claus? No I don't.
ADAM
Why not?
DEBORAH
Why not?
ADAM
Why not.
DEBORAH
I'm not getting drawn into a pointless argument.
ADAM
That's what you think.
DEBORAH
I simply asked if you read the Bible.
ADAM
And I simply asked why you don't believe in Santa Claus. You've yet to give me an answer.
DEBORAH
You know very well why not.
ADAM
I don't. I believe in Santa, why don't you?
DEBORAH
Because he doesn't exist.
ADAM
Prove it.
DEBORAH
I believe in our lord Jesus, and-
ADAM
No, prove it. Prove to me that Santa Claus doesn't exist.
DEBORAH
You're just being childish now.
ADAM
Not at all. I think you need to ask yourself why you haven't accepted the existence of Santa.
DEBORAH
He's a fictional character for goodness sake.
ADAM
Prove it.
DEBORAH
I don't need to-
ADAM
You do if you're going to tell me he doesn't exist. Honestly Deborah, I pity you. I wish you could experience for yourself the joy of Father Christmas which I carry in my heart.
DEBORAH
Well I'm sorry but-
ADAM
There's no need to apologise - enlightened individuals such as myself are well aware that there are still some lost souls out there. Those who haven't invited Santa into their lives. Who don't know the warmth he can bring at Christmas time. But it's not too late Debs. There's still time. And all it takes is a couple of mince pies and a drop of brandy.
DEBORAH
The Bible says that-
ADAM
(singing loudly)
"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer..."
DEBORAH
-if you want to be saved-
ADAM
Join in if you can, Debs.
DEBORAH
-you need to accept Jesus-
ADAM
(singing)
"... had a very shiny nose..."
DEBORAH
-as your saviour.
ADAM
(singing)
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!"
(Deborah puts the phone down.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
Oh, she's gone. What a nice lady. 0800 20 30 40. We'll try line three.
