ACT TWO
(Shortly before 9pm that same Saturday evening. The stage is divided once again, with the radio station studio to the left. However, in place of the kitchen on the right hand side of the stage, there is now a bedroom scene, with single bed, bedside cabinet, table and various items found in the bedroom of a typical 18 year old girl. The bedroom door exits stage right. A wardrobe with mirror stands nearby.)
(The studio door opens and, in the dim light, Adam enters carrying a cup of coffee and a few pieces of paper. He sits down, drinking his coffee, and after a minute or two, puts on his headphones. Meanwhile, in the bedroom, LUCY, wearing pyjamas, is sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a large cuddly Eeyore. A mobile phone lies nearby. On the table sits a radio. Lucy checks the time on an alarm clock which sits on the bedside cabinet. As she does so, the mobile phone rings. She grabs it quickly.)
LUCY
(on the phone)
Hello?... Yeah, this is Lucy...
(There is a knock on the bedroom door, which opens, and Russell sticks his head around.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
(on the phone)
One moment.
LUCY (CONT'D)
(to Russell)
Dad! Why do you bother knocking if you're just going to walk straight in?
RUSSELL
Courtesy.
LUCY
I could've been naked, or anything.
RUSSELL
I've seen it all before.
LUCY
Not for ten years you haven't. In case it's escaped your notice, I have breasts now.
RUSSELL
Could you not use the B word in this house. It makes me anxious.
LUCY
Well go and have one of your aspirins. Now, do you mind, I'm on the phone.
RUSSELL
Your mother and I were just wondering if you're coming down at all?
LUCY
No. Look, I really need to take this call.
RUSSELL
Well pardon me for showing some interest in my daughter. What is it, the Hong Kong office... or the Chinese takeaway?
LUCY
Come back in five minutes, ok? I want to talk to you actually, but give me a few minutes, yeah?
RUSSELL
I'll make an appointment at the desk...
LUCY
(waving him away)
Five minutes.
RUSSELL
Yeah, yeah...
(Russell withdraws and closes the door behind him.)
LUCY
(back on the phone)
Sorry about that. My Dad with his usual timing... Yeah, he's coming back in five minutes, so go ahead...
(She puts Eeyore down, reaches across to her bedside cabinet, opens a drawer, and produces a pad and pen.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
(on the phone)
Yeah, I'm ready, go on...
(She rests the pad on her knee and begins to write, the phone still clamped to her ear.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
Right... oh... and that's it, is it...?
(She stops writing and looks at the pad.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
Yeah..? And that'll be in about forty-five minutes? And then what?... Yeah, I suppose so... Well ok then... Yeah, I've got it all. And he'll ring me in an hour?... Right, ok, well I'll do my best... yeah, thanks... bye.
(Lucy ends the call, then looks again at the pad and shakes her head. She stands, walks over to the table, and turns on the radio. Adam's studio lights up and his show can be heard. Whilst listening to the radio, Lucy occupies herself by re-reading from her pad, and pacing a little.)
ADAM
Good evening, you're listening to Talk FM, my name's Adam Branch, that was the news, and this is The Adam Branch Show. The time is just after 9 o'clock, and the sun has set on the one and only Saturday which is this one. And boy was it another stunner. Aren't the sunsets beautiful these days? Just one of the positive effects of pollution, ladies and gentlemen. The colours of nature are more rich and vibrant than they've ever been. It's fantastic. And with global warming giving us drier summers than ever, the leaves on the trees have a higher concentration of sugar, meaning we're set for the most vivid autumn shades we will ever have seen. Spectacular reds, yellows and browns, the like of which we won't have witnessed before. It's going to be stunning. Isn't the world fantastic? And if that isn't enough to get excited about, after ten o'clock we'll be doing our best to give away five thousand pounds to one lucky listener. Not entirely sure why, but the commercial director liked the idea. So stay tuned for that.
(Lucy stops pacing, kneels down, and pulls a box from underneath her bed. As the radio show continues, Lucy rummages in the box, eventually producing a photograph, which she places on the bed, before returning the box to its home beneath.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
In the meantime, we're going to prove that we've learnt nothing from the last hour of the show, by continuing with the same format. Which, of course, is no format. We're just chewing the cud, taking calls as they come in, talking about whatever's on your mind. So if you're sure you've got one of those, the number's 0800 20 30 40. Every call is like a blind date. You never know who you're gonna get, but you just pray they're human. So let's find out by going straight to line one and saying good evening, you're live on Talk FM.
MARGARET
Oh good evening, who are you?
ADAM
I can be anyone you want me to be.
MARGARET
I thought it was Robin? Is Robin not on tonight?
ADAM
No, it's Adam. We're taking calls live to air, so hold on to your hat, madam, you're broadcasting.
MARGARET
Oh I'm sorry Adam, I'll let you get on with your programme.
(Margaret puts the phone down. In the bedroom, Lucy picks up her mobile, and begins to dial a number.)
ADAM
Ok, well I don't think I'll be phoning HER in the morning. Do we even have anyone at this station called Robin? Who knows. I rarely listen. We'll try line two instead. Good evening, YOU'RE on Talk FM...
DAVE
Oh yeah, Adam? It's Dave. You were talking about pollution and that? And sunsets?
ADAM
Yes! Fantastic!
DAVE
Well, no, not really Adam.
ADAM
Oh.
(Lucy turns off the radio as her call is connected.)
LUCY
(on the phone)
Oh hi Helen, it's Lucy. Any chance you could pop round?... Yeah, now!... Do I NEED a reason to invite my best friend over?... Oh. Well I don't have one. But come over anyway... You will? God, you're pliable. I mean, great! See you in a few minutes then. Ok, bye.
(She ends the call. There's a knock at the door. Lucy quickly grabs the photo, looks around, then puts it back on the bed and sits on it.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
Come in!
(The door opens and Russell enters, carrying a sandwich on a plate.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
Thanks for waiting.
RUSSELL
I'm a man. We're easily conditioned. Like laboratory rats.
LUCY
Oh, you brought my sandwich.
RUSSELL
The bell rang, you salivated, I brought food.
LUCY
You're rambling Dad.
RUSSELL
Sorry, men's problems.
LUCY
Well come and sit down, I need to talk to you.
(She pats the bed, and Russell sits down as instructed, handing the plate to Lucy. She examines the sandwich.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
Oh, looks like Mum forgot the pickle. Never mind, you can take it back when you go.
RUSSELL
I must have missed the family meeting where we made you the new head of this household.
LUCY
Stop bleating. Most girls my age don't even talk to their fathers.
RUSSELL
Don't, you're making me wistful.
(Lucy puts down the plate and picks up Eeyore.)
LUCY
Now, enough of this banter, I need to discuss something with you.
RUSSELL
Are you talking to me or the donkey?
(Lucy looks serious, and places a hand on Russell's knee.)
LUCY
I've invited Helen over.
RUSSELL
And?
(Lucy removes her hand from Russell's knee.)
LUCY
Well that's it. I thought I should warn you.
RUSSELL
Why? Has she got an infectious disease or something?
LUCY
No, but... you know.
RUSSELL
I really don't. Are we talking women's problems here?
LUCY
Be serious Dad.
RUSSELL
I am. I have no idea what you're talking about. Why should I need warning that she's coming over? Helen spends more time in this house than I do. Frankly I'm surprised she doesn't have her own key.
LUCY
She does actually.
RUSSELL
Oh lovely.
LUCY
Only so she doesn't disturb you and Mum by ringing the doorbell.
RUSSELL
It's good of you to be so considerate.
LUCY
Anyway, the point is she's coming over, and I thought you should know... what with things the way they are.
RUSSELL
Is there any danger of you starting to make sense at some point in this conversation?
LUCY
You know, the way things are between you and Helen?
(Russell looks blank.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
Oh come on, you must know how she feels about you?
RUSSELL
How Helen feels about me?
LUCY
Dad, the girl has a major crush on you. Surely you're aware of it?
RUSSELL
Right, I want to know what drugs you've taken, and who sold them to you.
LUCY
You mean you really hadn't noticed? This is unbelievable.
RUSSELL
Yes, which is why I'm not believing it.
LUCY
Oh god, don't say anything to her, will you. She'll be so embarrassed if she knows I've told you.
(Russell stands, and picks up the sandwich.)
RUSSELL
Well it's been lovely chatting, but you're obviously more ill than I realised.
LUCY
I'm serious Dad. You know what it's like with teenage girls. They see an older man... an authority figure... they can't help but fantasise.
RUSSELL
Oh really? So who's the object of YOUR fantasies?
LUCY
Trevor McDonald.
RUSSELL
You need help.
LUCY
You're always telling me to watch the news.
RUSSELL
I thought it was educational. I didn't know it was turning you on.
LUCY
Look, the point is, Helen's coming over in a minute, and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.
RUSSELL
Well that's very kind of you, but I'm sure that once I return to the real world which exists outside of this bedroom, I'll feel just dandy.
(Russell makes his way over to the door. Lucy stands, picking up the photo as she does, and holding it behind her back. She walks over to Russell.)
LUCY
Thanks Dad. I'm glad we've had this little chat.
RUSSELL
Well that makes... one of us.
(Lucy gives Russell a hug. As she does so, she slips the photo into the back pocket of his trousers.)
LUCY
Thanks for being so understanding.
RUSSELL
I haven't been. But thanks all the same.
(Russell opens the door.)
LUCY
You're a diamond.
RUSSELL
And you're a fruit loop.
(Russell exits, closing the door behind him. Lucy walks over to the radio and turns it on. As she listens to Adam's show, she locates a small photo in a frame on a shelf, and proceeds to remove the photo, which she then places under her pillow, before replacing the empty frame on the shelf.)
ADAM
... and (b) it will necessarily lead to absolute inertia, because if you go to the worst case scenario in anything at all, you'll realise that the best thing to do is NOTHING. Thanks for that Dave. The number's 0800 20 30 40. Let's see who's on line three...
SIMON
Oh hi, I'm Simon from Slough.
ADAM
No need to apologise.
SIMON
I wasn't.
ADAM
Good, that's the first step.
SIMON
Sorry?
ADAM
Oh, and it was going so well.
SIMON
Is that Adam?
ADAM
What's on your mind Simon?
SIMON
Oh right. Well I'm a student, and one of the things I'm studying at the moment is to do with the emphasis which society places on sport. If you look at the TV schedules, sport takes up a large percentage of the media, with the result that we're far more aware of sportspeople than anyone else. And it seems to me that it's becoming more and more of a problem. In this country we've got footballers earning forty, fifty, sixty grand a week, while the people making the strips they wear, are earning two dollars a month. It's obscene. And it's only getting worse. You have entire countries where the only celebrities are sportsmen. I mean, let's face it, how many Brazilians can you name who aren't footballers?
ADAM
Forty-three.
SIMON
I'm sorry?
ADAM
Mick Jagger's wife. Wasn't she Brazilian? I wonder if she plays...
SIMON
My point is that people are aware of sport, but very little else. And look at the role models sport creates-
ADAM
May I ask how old you are?
SIMON
I'm seventeen.
ADAM
And are these things that you really think, or are they things you think you're supposed to think? You don't actually believe all this do you?
SIMON
I do believe a lot of it. I do think there's too much emphasis on sport.
ADAM
Where do our teenagers learn to worry so much?
SIMON
Well I'm doing A-level Media Studies-
ADAM
Yeah, I bet. I tell you, my boys come home from school every day, and it's "the rainforests are gonna disappear and thirty-seven species are dying out this month, and global warming means that the seas are rising and we're all gonna drown, and the sun's going to explode in a million years, and the hole in the ozone layer means we're all dying of skin cancer..." SO WHAT? Why this obsession with frightening people?
SIMON
Well, because sometimes you need to shock people into action, don't you. We need to be aware of the way things are going, because otherwise it'll be too late to do anything. I mean, things like poverty and racism will always be around, we'll never rid the world of injustices like that, but-
ADAM
Rubbish.
SIMON
No, all I'm saying is that even though some things will never change, we-
ADAM
You need a broader vision, my friend. We're not going to be here for another fifty years, we're going to be here for another fifty million years. And it'll happen. We'll rid the world of any injustice you care to name. That's obvious. Five thousand years ago in this country, we ate the first born male child. Do you know why? Because the sun wouldn't rise and warm the harvest if we didn't. Well funnily enough we don't do that any more. And it's the same with racism, and poverty, and every issue of social injustice mankind has ever created.
SIMON
Well yes, but-
ADAM
And the reason we don't eat our first born son any longer is because some brave people said "stuff this, I'm not going to eat my son!". And they were banished. They had to go up on the hills. But they came down four or five years later, and they said "look, this is my male first born, alive, and well, and laughing, and I love him, and your crops have still grown and the sun still comes up". And everybody went "ohhhh yeah!". But at the time, those who had stood up against it were vilified, mocked. And it's the same today. But that doesn't mean we won't succeed. We will, trust me.
SIMON
Yes, but surely the point then, is that unless we stand up and be counted, unless we act, nothing will change?
ADAM
Only if you, YOU, can personally do something. And nine times out of ten you can't. These things are beyond your control, they're out of your sphere of influence. Nothing you do will make the slightest scrap of difference. So you should let them go. Don't concern yourself with them. Look elsewhere.
SIMON
What, so you're saying it's not worth worrying about issues?
ADAM
I am. Because you can't do anything about them. And I don't believe that anyone should worry about things they can't do anything about. I refer you to Bertrand Russell on this one. There's nothing more liable to make you unstable than to be dreadfully impelled to do something which you cannot do. Social justice in Brazil? Come on, give me a break. That's not where you start. You don't start with social justice in Brazil. You start with a moped.
SIMON
A moped?
ADAM
God has spoken to me, Simon. Like Joan of Arc. Who was a man too of course. And he said to me that what YOU should be doing is getting out there and meeting a few girls.
SIMON
Um... right... ok then. But-
ADAM
Thanks for the call Simon.
(He disconnects the call.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
We do crush all the juice out of our young people, don't we, with this fear about the world turning terrible. It's the curse of 'nowadays'. Every time we use the word 'nowadays' in front of people who have the whole of their lives ahead of them, we just bring them down further. We need to think before we start declaring that things ain't what they used to be. Because the bottom line is, it's simply not true. Unless you're a slave trader or a fox hunter. In which case business has probably dropped off a bit in recent years. But for the rest of us, things are on the up and up. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The number's 0800 20 30 40. We'll go to line four. Hello, you're on Talk FM.
WILFRED
Oh, good evening, my name's Wilfred, am I on now?
ADAM
You're broadcasting to the nation, Wilfred.
(There's a knock on Lucy's bedroom door. She immediately turns off the radio.)
LUCY
Come in!
(The door opens and Russell enters, carrying the sandwich on a plate.)
RUSSELL
Pickle's up. The chef sends her apologies for presuming to know your likes and dislikes after only eighteen years of living together.
LUCY
Don't be sarky. I fancied a change, that's all.
RUSSELL
I know how you feel.
(He hands her the sandwich.)
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
I brought you a little extra side dish too.
(He turns to the door. Helen walks in.)
HELEN
Hi Luce.
LUCY
(to Helen)
Oh great, you made it.
RUSSELL
Like the rest of us, she received her instructions and was powerless to resist.
LUCY
I think you've made your point, Dad. Thankyou.
RUSSELL
You mean I can go now?
LUCY
Not only can, but must.
RUSSELL
You don't want me to put up a couple of shelves while I'm here?
LUCY
No.
RUSSELL
Knock through a wall? Give you a bit more space?
LUCY
You can certainly give me more space, yes.
(She ushers him towards the door.)
RUSSELL
Oh, well if that's all, I'll go and make a start on the ironing.
HELEN
Catch you later, Russ.
RUSSELL
Yeah babes.
LUCY
Goodbye Dad.
(Lucy pushes Russell out the door and closes it.)
HELEN
I love your Dad, he's screwy.
LUCY
Yeah, but you love penguins for the same reason. It doesn't make it right.
HELEN
Your Dad is a lot like a flightless bird.
LUCY
One moment...
(Lucy puts the sandwich on the table, then picks up a pencil and a book, and walks over to the door. She places one end of the pencil in the keyhole, and hits the other with the book, forcing the pencil through the keyhole. A cry is heard from the other side of the door.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
Sorry about that. Thanks for coming over by the way.
(Helen is casually looking through Lucy's wardrobe.)
HELEN
No problem. So what's up?
LUCY
Oh you know, the usual.
HELEN
Men?
LUCY
Only my Dad. I'm not sure he counts.
HELEN
As a man? Probably not.
LUCY
Talking of which, weren't you seeing that guy from the travel agents last night?
(Helen removes a top from the wardrobe, and stands before the mirror, holding it up in front of herself.)
HELEN
Oh yeah. That didn't really work out.
LUCY
No?
HELEN
The evening went ok, I suppose, but then we reached the point where he took his clothes off...
LUCY
And..?
HELEN
And I found myself mentally dressing him.
LUCY
Oh, that's not good.
HELEN
In the end I turned the lights out and told him I had to go home and write my CV.
LUCY
How long can you keep using that line before people start expecting you to have a decent job?
HELEN
He worked in a travel agents, he was in no position to judge. Still, it was disappointing, I could've done with a free holiday. I need to spend some time in a country where I don't have twenty-four hour access to Jaffa Cakes.
LUCY
Diet not going well then?
HELEN
Nah. Atkins has done nothing for me. I might as well be on the Katkins diet. At least it comes in tins.
LUCY
Might not help the breath situation though.
HELEN
I could live with that. It would keep the morons away if nothing else. Talking of which, there's a new boy working at the chemist in town.
LUCY
Wayne. Yeah, I know, we've met. He tried to chat me up while he scanned my panty liners.
HELEN
Oh god. You got away lightly. I made the mistake of asking him for a day cream with a high sun protection factor. He found me one, then helpfully pointed out that the night cream I'd chosen didn't have an SPF at all.
LUCY
What did you say?
HELEN
I asked him to go and find me one, just to see how long he'd spend looking.
LUCY
And?
HELEN
Half an hour. I missed my bus home.
LUCY
Oh well, at least you're not sunburnt.
(Helen is examining another item of clothing in the mirror.)
HELEN
Can I borrow this?
LUCY
Sure, help yourself.
(Helen steps behind the open wardrobe door and changes into the new top. While she does so, Lucy takes the photo from beneath her pillow, and, carrying both the photo and Eeyore, walks over to Helen, who emerges wearing Lucy's top, and admires herself in the mirror.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
That suits you.
HELEN
You think so?
(Lucy stands behind Helen and helps to adjust her top. As she does so, Lucy slips the photo into the back pocket of Helen's jeans.)
LUCY
Yeah, definitely. I could never carry it off myself.
HELEN
Well it helps if you don't accessorise with a cuddly Eeyore.
LUCY
Leave him alone, he's depressed.
(Lucy returns to the bed and sits down.)
LUCY (CONT'D)
And besides, I've seen the Piglet you have in your bedroom.
HELEN
That was my last boyfriend. He's gone now.
(Helen looks at the sandwich on the table.)
HELEN (CONT'D)
Do you want that sandwich?
LUCY
Nah, I don't like pickle. Help yourself.
(Helen picks up the sandwich and takes a bite.)
HELEN
Mmm... not bad.
LUCY
Actually, could you do me a favour?
HELEN
Do I have to stop eating?
LUCY
Only if you value your thighs. There's some exercise involved though. Would you mind popping down and asking my Mum to come up? I need to have a word with her. You know, mother-daughter stuff.
HELEN
Sure. I want to get a drink anyway.
LUCY
Are you sure you don't mind? It means seeing my Dad.
HELEN
That's no problem. I like playing with your Dad. He's a screwy wabbit.
LUCY
You need to be careful though.
HELEN
Why?
LUCY
Well... you know the way he feels about you...
HELEN
Constantly irritated?
LUCY
No... quite the opposite. He really likes you.
HELEN
I'm a likeable person. Everybody says so.
LUCY
Yeah, but my Dad... well he's got a bit of a thing for you.
HELEN
Really?
LUCY
Yeah. He called you a dish when he brought you up here.
HELEN
Did he?
LUCY
He did. You know what it's like... a middle aged man... a teenage girl... he can't help but fantasise...
HELEN
Blimey. Well I'm sure if I had a father, he'd have the hots for you, so I suppose it's only fair.
LUCY
That's one way of looking at it. So you're ok about it then? You don't mind going down?
HELEN
On your Dad? That's just wrong.
LUCY
Get out of here. Now.
HELEN
Running all the way.
(Helen strolls out the door carrying the half eaten sandwich, and wearing Lucy's top. Lucy turns on the radio.)
