(The right hand kitchen door opens and Russell enters.)
LISA
(on the radio)
Oh hello Adam, it's Lisa in Brighton.
ADAM
Hello Lisa in Brighton.
LISA
Hello. I honestly don't want to be antagonistic in any way-
ADAM
Oh yes you do.
(Russell turns off the radio.)
RUSSELL
We've got problems.
PAULINE
Speak for yourself.
RUSSELL
She's found God.
PAULINE
Have you just been listening to the radio?
RUSSELL
No. Why?
PAULINE
No reason. Must be life imitating art. I see you managed to get rid of the sandwich this time, anyway.
RUSSELL
To you it's a sandwich. To me it's a sandwich. To her it's the bread of life.
PAULINE
Russell, every time you leave this room, you come back talking the biggest load of nonsense since the time you took acid at the Rotary Club dinner.
RUSSELL
You know damn well that wasn't my fault. Helen told me it was aspirin.
PAULINE
I'm not saying it was your fault. But you need to realise that if you let these girls get to you, you'll only wind up making a fool of yourself.
RUSSELL
It's not me, it's them. They won't leave me alone.
PAULINE
Next you'll be claiming they all fancy you.
RUSSELL
Well is that so far fetched?
PAULINE
Yes.
RUSSELL
Oh come on, you've seen the way Helen acts around me. She can't get enough of me.
PAULINE
To Helen, you have the irresistible attraction of a circus freak show. It's only manners which stops her poking you with sticks.
RUSSELL
You just can't handle the thought that I might be attractive to young girls.
PAULINE
Russell, I love you dearly, but believe me, the only creatures to whom you appear attractive, are vultures.
RUSSELL
Well don't say I didn't warn you. Anyway, this isn't the point. The point is that Lucy has clearly got herself involved in some kind of extreme religious cult.
PAULINE
By which you mean she made some innocent little remark, specifically intended to wind you up, and you fell for it?
RUSSELL
No...
PAULINE
You mustn't let her get to you! She only baits you because she gets a reaction. If you keep falling for it, she'll up the ante, and before you know where you are, you'll be complaining that she's mentioning her periods every five minutes.
(Russell looks fractious. Pauline examines his reaction.)
PAULINE (CONT'D)
Oh, she already has. Well it's your own fault.
(The door at the back of the stage opens and Helen enters.)
HELEN
Did somebody mention periods?
RUSSELL
Good god.
HELEN
Because I tell you, I don't half feel bloated. I think I need milking.
PAULINE
Russell was just saying that he thinks you find him attractive.
RUSSELL
Pauline!
HELEN
Really? Well you know, Russ, you're like a pet penguin to me. You're no good on dry land, but I like the way you waddle.
RUSSELL
Charming.
(Helen sits down at the table.)
HELEN
I'd take you home with me, but you'd eat all my sardines.
RUSSELL
You didn't happen to find some aspirin in the downstairs toilet did you?
HELEN
Are you trying to score some drugs off me again, Russ?
RUSSELL
The evidence would suggest that it's too late.
HELEN
Hey, I don't need drugs to be like this. I'm naturally zesty.
RUSSELL
I'm not surprised, with the amount of Jaffa Cakes you eat.
HELEN
(to Pauline)
Mrs M, he's picking on me again.
PAULINE
Russell, leave her alone.
RUSSELL
Me?? She started it! She called me a penguin!
HELEN
Snitch.
PAULINE
Russell, why don't you go and play somewhere else, then maybe we can have some peace and quiet around here. I want to make a phonecall before ten o'clock anyway.
RUSSELL
Who are you calling at this time of night?
PAULINE
No one you know.
RUSSELL
Well I think I'll stay around for that then, if it's all the same to you.
PAULINE
Please yourself. You can listen on the stereo in the other room if you like.
RUSSELL
Eh?
HELEN
(to Pauline)
You're going to phone the radio? Oh cool, can I phone in after you? I want to talk about the male menopause.
RUSSELL
(to Pauline)
You are not phoning that radio show.
PAULINE
I think you'll find I am.
(Pauline picks up the phone and starts to dial.)
RUSSELL
Pauline, as your husband, I forbid you to use that phone.
PAULINE
It's ringing...
RUSSELL
What can you possibly have to talk about to that man?
PAULINE
Nothing. Haven't you heard the show? That's how it works.
HELEN
He once did a whole hour on lampshades. It was quality broadcasting.
RUSSELL
(to Pauline)
And you wonder where Lucy gets this obsession with pulp fiction and trashy talk shows?
PAULINE
No, you do.
RUSSELL
Not any more I don't.
PAULINE
Well be quiet and you might learn something.
RUSSELL
I very much doubt that.
PAULINE
I'd rather have a man who talks trivia well, than one who talks important issues badly.
RUSSELL
Well thankyou Joan Bakewell.
(The studio to the left of the stage suddenly lights up.)
ADAM
So whoever this is now on line two, good evening, you're on Talk FM...
PAULINE
(on the phone)
Oh hello Adam.
ADAM
You're not a typical listener are you.
PAULINE
I'm sorry?
ADAM
You're not a typical listener.
PAULINE
I listen all the time.
ADAM
But you're not a TYPICAL listener, because you're calling.
PAULINE
I beg your pardon?
ADAM
You're not a TYPICAL listener, because... oh forget it, it's a semantic point. Carry on with what you wanted to say...
PAULINE
Oh right, well I've been listening on and off for the past couple of hours, and I feel the most important point hasn't even been raised yet.
ADAM
Oh yes, and what's that?
PAULINE
Well I don't know, it hasn't been raised yet.
(A cry of "Mum!" is heard coming from offstage.)
HELEN
I guess that means Lucy's got the radio on.
ADAM
Oh.
(Helen gets up and exits through the door stage right.)
PAULINE
Anyway, I've lived in London all my life-
ADAM
Not yet you haven't.
PAULINE
Well, no. But I live not far from your studios actually.
ADAM
You're scaring me now, madam.
PAULINE
No, I'm just saying it's a small world.
ADAM
It is indeed a small world. But I wouldn't want to paint it.
PAULINE
No. Or try to understand it. There's a lot we don't know, isn't there?
ADAM
Oh, tell me about it. For example, why is toothpaste called toothpaste? It should be called teethpaste.
PAULINE
Yes, I've often thought that.
ADAM
Have you?
PAULINE
Well... no.
(Russell tries to get Pauline to put the phone down. She refuses.)
ADAM
And of course, one of the great mysteries for me, one of the all-time conundrums - or should that be conundra?
PAULINE
Conundra.
ADAM
Thankyou. One of the great all-time... puzzles, is why we don't eat frogspawn. The ditches of Britain are creamy with frogspawn, and we just let it go to waste. We let the ducks have it. Ducks aren't stupid you know.
PAULINE
No no... but it always reminds me of tapioca, so I couldn't eat it.
ADAM
Frogspawn reminds you of tapioca?
PAULINE
Yes, school dinners.
ADAM
Not the other way around?
PAULINE
No.
ADAM
So you wouldn't eat frogspawn because it looks like tapioca?
PAULINE
No, that's right.
ADAM
I wonder what frogspawn looked like before the Romans came and set up our education system? You have to wonder don't you.
PAULINE
Yes...
ADAM
Of course, we don't know what it tastes like. For all we know, frogspawn could be the food of athletes. It could be the official food of the British Olympic team in 2008. David Beckham could be advertising it this time next year.
PAULINE
He could have it on his shirt.
ADAM
In more ways than one. But we'll never know, because nobody's ever eaten it.
PAULINE
Well you don't know that nobody has.
ADAM
I think we'd have heard. People would be battery farming frogs across the home counties. But we eat ducks. We eat caviar. You see, if you smoked it lightly, frogspawn would probably come out like caviar.
PAULINE
Well I don't eat caviar.
ADAM
What do you do with it then? You have to eat it, you can't do anything else with it.
(Russell is harassing Pauline in an attempt to get her to end the call.)
PAULINE
I don't buy it.
ADAM
What are you saying? You sneak out with it?
PAULINE
I just don't buy it.
ADAM
That's illegal.
PAULINE
No-
ADAM
Under your dress?
PAULINE
Pardon?
ADAM
Stick a tin up your coat and run out?
PAULINE
I said, I don't buy it.
ADAM
Well how do you get away with it then??
(Russell grabs the phone from Pauline and ends the call. The radio studio sinks into darkness. Russell stands in silence for a moment, looking at Pauline like a disapproving parent.)
RUSSELL
Well I hope you're happy now.
PAULINE
Yes thankyou.
RUSSELL
You know, it's not me you're letting down. And it's not Lucy. It's yourself.
PAULINE
Yes, and it's my own time I'm wasting, I know.
(Russell sighs.)
RUSSELL
Teethpaste??
PAULINE
It's a conundra.
RUSSELL
It's a compound noun! You can't have a plural in a compound noun! The man's a moron!
PAULINE
You should phone in.
RUSSELL
Pauline, if you ever catch me phoning that man, you have my permission to shoot me.
PAULINE
Can I have that in writing?
RUSSELL
Honestly, what is wrong with the people in this house? You do your best to create the right environment, to instil a bit of learning, education, a healthy interest in current affairs, in the world around us. To have some form of sensible discussion about the important things in life. And what do you end up with? A wife who'd rather chat to idiots about eating frogspawn, and a daughter who's literally talking the hind leg off a donkey.
PAULINE
You could always move in with Helen.
RUSSELL
Don't tempt me.
PAULINE
Shall we turn the radio back on while you think about it?
RUSSELL
That radio's going straight to the nearest car boot sale. And I'll tell you another thing, if Marconi was alive today, I'd kill him.
(Russell starts patting the pockets of his trousers.)
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
Where are my cigarettes?
PAULINE
I thought you'd given up?
RUSSELL
I had. But suddenly the thought of taking a few years off my life seems quite appealing.
(He reaches into his back pocket, and pulls out a photo. He looks at it, puzzled.)
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
Why do I have a photo of Helen in my pocket?
PAULINE
A photo of Helen? Give it here...
(She takes the photo from Russell and looks at it.)
PAULINE (CONT'D)
I remember that day. No one thought she'd fit into that bikini.
RUSSELL
But why is it in my pocket?
PAULINE
A pathetic cry for help?
RUSSELL
I didn't put it there!
PAULINE
Russell, I'm refusing to let this pitiful attention seeking get to me, but really, you could at least have the dignity to be honest about it.
RUSSELL
I AM being honest! I have no idea where this photo came from. Why would I lie about it?
PAULINE
You're probably in denial.
RUSSELL
There's no such thing. This is not an American talk show.
PAULINE
Whatever.
RUSSELL
Helen must have put it there. I tell you, that girl is obsessed with me.
PAULINE
Oh I see. This is all part of your feeble attempt to convince me that you're somehow irresistible to eighteen year old girls?
RUSSELL
It's not an attempt to do anything! This is the first time I've ever seen that photo.
PAULINE
Russell, you TOOK this photo.
RUSSELL
Well... yes... I took it, but that was on Lucy's request. I was the only one sensible enough to stay out of the sea, remember?
PAULINE
I remember you giving us a lecture on water bound pollutants, yes. And I remember you making a point of capturing Helen's bikini on film. I even remember you asking a lifeguard for the statistics on shark attacks. But more than that, I couldn't say.
RUSSELL
Well for the benefit of your selective memory, let me assure you that Lucy told me to take that photo.
PAULINE
And you always do everything Lucy tells you, do you?
RUSSELL
Hello? Are you new here? Of course I do! She never gives me any choice!
PAULINE
And you're not bothered who you hurt in the process?
RUSSELL
Toot-toot, all aboard the guilt trip!
PAULINE
I just think you could show a bit more consideration for your wife's feelings when you're gallivanting around, chasing after young girls, that's all.
RUSSELL
Oh I see, we're booked on the first class guilt trip, with full board and room service, are we?
PAULINE
I've always tried to do my best for you, Russell...
RUSSELL
Good grief...
PAULINE
It's not easy being a woman in this world...
RUSSELL
Oh please...
PAULINE
Battling the effects of time and gravity, fighting against the odds to keep her man...
RUSSELL
Ok, you win, the radio's going back on.
PAULINE
And make me a cup of tea, will you?
(Russell turns the radio on, and starts to make the tea.)
ADAM
Let's press on. Line six, you're on Talk FM.
PAUL
(on the radio)
Oh, hello Adam, how are you?
ADAM
Never been better. Today's the day. Yourself?
PAUL
Well I'm a little bit annoyed with you to be honest-
ADAM
Oh good.
PAUL
Because it seems to me that anybody who mentions the Bible, they get shot down.
ADAM
No, anybody who's boring gets made more interesting. That's the gig.
PAUL
Yeah, but it seems to be just the people who bring up the Bible, or Christianity.
ADAM
Ok, so link that to what I've just said, and what can you conclude?
PAUL
Well...
ADAM
Unfortunately, too many people who depend on the Bible to be interesting, aren't.
PAUL
Ok, so explain something to me...
ADAM
Well I'll try.
PAUL
Why is the Bible the best selling book, year in year out, since records began?
ADAM
Because there are a lot of frightened people.
PAUL
And you're one of them. You're burying your head in the sand.
ADAM
No, I-
PAUL
Have you ever read the Bible?
ADAM
I didn't have much choice when I was little.
PAUL
I mean have you ever read it properly, I don't mean have you had it shoved down your throat, I mean have you ever read it?
ADAM
Well obviously I've given it a go. Have you ever read the Koran?
PAUL
I've never read the Koran, and-
ADAM
Have you read Buddha's four holy truths? That doesn't take very long.
PAUL
Well I don't need to read these books-
ADAM
What do you know about Hinduism?
PAUL
I don't know an awful lot, no.
ADAM
Do you know anything about Confucianism?
PAUL
No-
ADAM
Do you know any Taoism?
PAUL
Not much.
ADAM
The Jewish faith?
PAUL
A little bit about the Jewish faith.
ADAM
Ok. So why do you know more about the Bible than any of those other good books?
PAUL
Because the Bible is... if you take the New Testament-
ADAM
Can I suggest that it might be the accident of your birth?
PAUL
No it wasn't, because-
ADAM
So if you'd been born in the Punjab, you'd still have gone looking for the one and only copy of the Bible in that province?
PAUL
Yes, because the truth is the truth, even in Bombay.
ADAM
There, right there, is my point. Bombay hasn't been Bombay since 1996. It's been Mumbai for the past eight years. How can we possibly claim to have chosen one faith over another, when we don't even know the name of one of its principal cities? You didn't choose the Bible, any more than the residents of Mumbai chose to reject the teachings of the Plymouth Brethren. It was an accident of birth, nothing more. You can't claim to have discovered the truth if you've never even looked. You just can't. It wouldn't stand up in court, it doesn't stand up in my soul.
(He disconnects the call and pauses for a moment.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
But thanks for the call. The number's 0800 20 30 40. We'll go back up to line one and say hello, you're on Talk FM.
GEORGE
(on the radio)
Oh hello, can I have your address please?
ADAM
Oh, certainly. Hang on just one moment...
(Adam searches for a piece of paper nearby. In the kitchen, the sound of a doorbell is heard.)
RUSSELL
Who on earth is that?
PAULINE
Don't look at me.
RUSSELL
Well they've rung the doorbell, so it's clearly no one Lucy knows.
(Russell gets up and leaves through the door at the back of the stage.)
ADAM
(on the radio)
Okey dokey, have you got a pen?
GEORGE
Yes.
ADAM
Right, it's Talk FM, Talk Towers, 138 Clay Hill Road, London. And the postcode is W7 3PG.
GEORGE
Right, thanks very much.
(He puts the phone down.)
ADAM
And if you'd like the factsheet which accompanies the programme, or my delicious recipe for apple turnovers, the address is the same. As it is if you'd like to write a letter to my boss demanding my immediate sacking. Which is probably closer to what that particular caller had in mind.
(The door stage right opens and Helen enters, wearing another different top.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
But we'll move on. Line two, good evening, you're on Talk FM.
(Pauline turns off the radio.)
HELEN
Was that the doorbell?
PAULINE
Yes, you're not expecting anyone, are you?
HELEN
Well Lucy and I are considering inviting Jesus into our lives, but aside from that, no.
(The door at the rear of the stage opens and Russell enters, closely followed by a PIZZA DELIVERY BOY, who is holding a large pizza box.)
RUSSELL
(to Pauline)
Apparently we've moved on from sandwiches.
HELEN
Oooh, pizza delivery, the fourth emergency service.
PIZZA BOY
Evening all!
RUSSELL
(to the pizza boy)
Don't get chatty, you're not stopping.
PAULINE
I take it Lucy's ordered a pizza?
RUSSELL
I think it's more likely she ordered the man. The pizza's for afterwards.
PIZZA BOY
(to Pauline)
Yes madam, one large Hawaiian, in the name of Lucy Maynard.
RUSSELL
(to Pauline)
Told you. It's a large Hawaiian, and he's brought a pizza.
PAULINE
Russell, will you be quiet.
PAULINE (CONT'D)
(to the pizza boy)
Right, I'll get you some money.
RUSSELL
Don't you dare. If she wants Waikiki beef, she can pay for it herself.
PIZZA BOY
(to Pauline)
Actually madam, Miss Maynard specifically requested that I deliver the pizza to her personally.
RUSSELL
I bet she did.
(Helen goes over to the pizza boy and takes his hand.)
HELEN
I'll take you up.
RUSSELL
(to Helen)
You stay right there. I want a word with you.
PAULINE
(to the pizza boy)
Come on then, I'll take you myself.
RUSSELL
(to Pauline)
And you. Nobody goes anywhere til we've got to the bottom of Helen's bikini.
HELEN
I beg your pardon?
RUSSELL
For one night only, I'll allow this young man upstairs unaccompanied.
HELEN
That's dangerously close to pimping, Russ.
RUSSELL
(to the pizza boy)
But if you're not back here in two minutes, I release the dogs.
PAULINE
(to the pizza boy)
Rhubarb and Custard. They're poodles, I wouldn't worry.
PIZZA BOY
(to Russell)
No problem sir, I'll be right back.
(He walks toward the door stage right.)
PAULINE
It's up the stairs, first on your left.
PIZZA BOY
I know.
RUSSELL
What?
(The pizza boy exits.)
HELEN
I hope Lucy leaves a bit. I wouldn't mind some of those leftovers.
PAULINE
Me too. Did you see his bum?
RUSSELL
For god's sake Pauline, you are not a teenager.
PAULINE
No, if I was, I'd fancy you, wouldn't I?
RUSSELL
Will you stop it.
(He picks up the photo and turns to Helen.)
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
Now Helen, what do you know about this photo?
(Helen looks at it.)
HELEN
Is that Elle McPherson? Oh no, my mistake. Do you know, some people didn't think I'd fit into that bikini.
PAULINE
Really?
HELEN
It's true. So what are you doing with it, Russ? Is this the secret love picture you carry in your wallet?
PAULINE
Not his wallet, his pocket.
RUSSELL
I do not carry it at all. Someone obviously planted it on me.
HELEN
Oh right, Pauline found it did she? Ok, I'll cover for you.
RUSSELL
What?
HELEN
It's alright Mrs M, your husband's not in love with me. And there's nothing going on between us. Yes, we're close, but we're just good friends, I swear.
RUSSELL
For god's sake Helen...
HELEN
(to Russell)
It's ok, I think she believed me. But in future be more careful where you hide your photos of me, Russ. Your wanton lusting could get us into trouble.
RUSSELL
Well this is marvellous. I knew I could rely on Helen to clear my name with a bit of truth and common sense.
(He stops for a moment and looks at Helen.)
RUSSELL (CONT'D)
Hang on, have you changed your top again?
HELEN
My god, the man's insatiable.
PAULINE
Shall we put the radio on?
HELEN
Oooh, good idea Mrs M.
PAULINE
Finish that tea will you Russell?
(She turns on the radio. Irritably, Russell goes back to making the tea.)
ADAM
What a nice lady. I feel better now. We'll go to line three. Good evening sir or madam, and welcome to Talk FM.
BOB
(on the radio)
Yeah, hello Adam?
ADAM
Hello.
BOB
Hypocrisy.
ADAM
How about it.
BOB
I mean, you're an average hypocrite, I'm an average hypocrite. There are some people-
ADAM
If I can just interrupt you for a moment, I don't think I'm average at anything.
BOB
No, you're probably not.
ADAM
Thankyou.
BOB
I don't know how you measure such a thing, to be honest.
ADAM
Well I measure it up against the wall.
BOB
Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I'm not sure if I do know what you mean, but-
ADAM
But you're not bothered anyway, you're going to carry on and be rude.
BOB
Not really, I think I'm being candid.
ADAM
No, I don't think you're being candid, I think you're going to be rude.
BOB
Well I'm admitting to being a hypocrite.
ADAM
Because that makes you seem a bit more saintly when you come out and be rude.
BOB
No, I'm not being saintly, I'm just trying to get a measure, so that we can say-
ADAM
No you're not. Why don't you be honest with yourself - you just want to be rude.
BOB
No, I don't want to be rude, I just want to talk about the Labour party.
ADAM
Then why did you call me a hypocrite?
BOB
Because I did actually think that-
ADAM
Wasn't that being rude?
BOB
Well put it like this Adam, I've listened to you for a long time, and I think you could certainly say that on occasions you've been rude. Anyway, the Labour party.
ADAM
Oh go away.
(He disconnects the call. The door to the right of the kitchen opens and the pizza delivery boy enters, still carrying the pizza box.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
God, I enjoy my work. We'll go to line four, hello, you're on Talk FM.
(Russell turns off the radio.)
RUSSELL
Ah, Chuckie Cheese is back. A word of advice mate, I think if you plan to make pizza delivery a career, you're going to have to learn not to come back with the pizza.
PAULINE
(to the pizza boy)
Did you not find her?
RUSSELL
Of course he did. Can't you see the boy's glowing?
PIZZA BOY
Oh yes, Lucy said she'd like you all to have it.
HELEN
Oooh marvellous. Break out the garlic bread, Russ. No peas for me, thanks.
PAULINE
That was very kind of her. I'll give her the money later.
RUSSELL
You will not. It's like giving money to a beggar - she'll only spend it on booze. And make-up.
PAULINE
So not like a beggar at all then.
HELEN
More like a clown.
(The pizza boy puts the pizza on the table.)
PIZZA BOY
(to Russell)
And Lucy asked me to give you this.
(He hands Russell a note. Russell starts to read it.)
PAULINE
(to the pizza boy)
Well thankyou very much. Should we give you a tip?
HELEN
I'll give him a few pointers on the way out.
(Helen takes the pizza boy by the hand and leads him out of the door at the rear of the stage. Pauline fetches some plates and a knife.)
PAULINE
(to Russell)
What does the note say?
RUSSELL
It says we have a daughter with serious personality disorders.
PAULINE
Anything else?
RUSSELL
Well I'm reading between the lines, obviously. But I'd say she's flipped.
PAULINE
And if you ignore the subtext, and read the actual words?
RUSSELL
Ignoring the obvious, you get "Dear Dad, I've identified the issues which are coming between us. 1. You're a loser. 2. You support Chelsea. 3. You think you can map-read. And 4. Your feet smell. We need to discuss this a.s.a.p. Love Lucy. P.S. Any chance of another sandwich?"
PAULINE
She's working through her problems, I think that's a good sign.
RUSSELL
You would. You probably helped her compile the list.
(Helen returns through the door at the rear of the stage.)
HELEN
Firm, yet yielding. I've never known a bum like it.
PAULINE
Did you get his phone number?
HELEN
Do I look like an amateur? Of course I did. He gave me his website address too. He has photos.
PAULINE
Really? Shall we go and take a look?
RUSSELL
Oh yes, don't mind me. You two go and surf for porn, I'll just wait here.
PAULINE
Aren't you going up to speak to Lucy?
RUSSELL
What, and miss the chance to chat to you two?
HELEN
Well I vote we put the chatting on hold and get to know that pizza a little better.
PAULINE
Sounds good to me.
(Helen sits down at the table. Pauline opens the pizza box and stands with knife poised.)
PAULINE (CONT'D)
Shall I cut it into eight or sixteen?
HELEN
Eight. We'll never eat sixteen.
RUSSELL
You know, maybe I will go and see Lucy. There's only so much intelligent conversation one man can take.
PAULINE
Please yourself.
RUSSELL
I will. It's the only person I can please.
(Russell leaves through the door stage right, taking the note with him.)
PAULINE
(to Helen)
You know, the day you can teach a pizza to mow the lawn, is the day I get a divorce.
HELEN
I hear you, sister.
PAULINE
Fancy a bit of radio on the side?
HELEN
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
PAULINE
My thoughts exactly.
(Pauline turns on the radio, then serves up the pizza. She and Helen eat as they listen.)
ADAM
What a nice lady. Well, time's beginning to get short, so we'll move straight on to line five. Good evening, you're on Talk FM.
DENNIS
(on the radio)
Oh, good evening Adam. You mentioned diazepam some time ago?
ADAM
Yes...
(He lowers his voice.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
...and wouldn't you just know somebody would pick up on it...
DENNIS
I'm sorry?
ADAM
Yes! Yes I did mention diazepam, well done.
DENNIS
Well, would it surprise you to learn that according to the office for national statistics, that particular family of drugs killed ten times more people in the 1990s than were killed by cocaine...
ADAM
Oooh..!
DENNIS
... and sixteen times as many as perished on Ecstasy.
ADAM
There!
DENNIS
Yeah.
ADAM
Well!
DENNIS
How about that then?
ADAM
Good lord!
DENNIS
Yes.
ADAM
Somebody call the police!
DENNIS
Well...
ADAM
I feel perhaps I should hurl myself from this three storey building in the light of what you've just told me.
DENNIS
Well it just goes to show, you don't want to believe everything that nice Mr Blair tells you. I mean-
ADAM
Oh, it's all down to HIM is it?!
DENNIS
Well, I mean, when was the last time he mentioned diazepam?
ADAM
Well, since you ask-
DENNIS
He probably couldn't even spell it.
ADAM
I think he HAS brought it up actually.
DENNIS
Well he SHOULD bring it up.
ADAM
Oh I see, this is a hobby horse of yours is it?
DENNIS
One hobby horse of many.
ADAM
Oh, how many do you have exactly, hobby horses, in your collection?
DENNIS
Well, I don't keep track, I mean-
ADAM
One should know to the nearest four or five how many hobby horses one has in one's stable, surely?
DENNIS
Well in fact, on the Channel 4 film a couple of hours ago, the one about the Black Panthers, there were a number of interesting points made, and-
ADAM
Did you pick up an extra hobby horse during this programme?
DENNIS
No no, I was already aware of a lot of the history, but-
ADAM
So what, you managed to find more food for one of your EXISTING hobby horses? Does it work like that? If you've got a hobby horse, are you able to get involved in something else, purely in the hope that "Here, look! Another little tidbit for my hobby horse!"?
DENNIS
Well, I mean, this is the first time I've ever spoken to you on this subject, but if you have any knowledge of my calls to other presenters, then-
ADAM
I can honestly say, with the utmost certainty, that I have no knowledge of your track record as a radio phone-in contributor. I do hope you're not too disappointed by that.
DENNIS
Not at all.
ADAM
Splendid. So this is something you do quite regularly, is it?
DENNIS
Well yes. The subject of drugs is the most obvious hobby horse that any rational person should have.
ADAM
Ha! Well I'm not going to take THAT sentence apart! Nothing debatable there!
DENNIS
But Adam, when the government spends 1.5 billion pounds a year on the war on drugs, while spending less than one percent of that amount fighting cancer, then there's something not quite right.
ADAM
Yes, but is there ANYTHING, anywhere, that IS quite right? Can you give me one thing where it's not possible to show that not only is there something 'not quite right', but that there is, in fact, a very worrying problem?
DENNIS
Well...
ADAM
Any issue, anything at all. Education - eek. National Health Service - ooh. The economy - yikes.
DENNIS
Well yes-
ADAM
Food. Drink. Our children. The environment. Motoring. Can you think of anything, ANYTHING, where there isn't a bit of a problem that we all ought to be concerned about, that we all ought to be discussing, that Channel 4 are making a documentary about which we MUST watch? And which will make us all even more insecure and frightened. Can you think of anything?
DENNIS
Well, I mean-
ADAM
Anything which hasn't been damaged, torn to shreds, reduced to shrapnel, to broken glass, by this approach?
DENNIS
Um... well-
ADAM
And then you wonder why people need tranquilisers??
DENNIS
Well people don't have much choice if they're prescribed them by their doctors.
ADAM
No, you've entirely missed the point. You've missed a big bit out in the middle. Can you think of anything that hasn't been made a cause for concern for ordinary people?
DENNIS
Well, I mean, this particular one has become a problem-
ADAM
Have a go at the question. Otherwise you're not going to get the car, or the fortnight in Faliraki. Can you think of anything that hasn't been made a cause for concern?
DENNIS
What, by the press?
ADAM
Well yes, by everyone.
DENNIS
Well...
ADAM
I challenge you.
DENNIS
Well, they can make a mountain out of molehill on anything, can't they.
ADAM
And some people fall for it.
DENNIS
The tiniest piece of evidence-
ADAM
So you agree with me.
DENNIS
About?
ADAM
About the fact that we're being made to worry about absolutely everything, if we have a mind to do that.
DENNIS
Well, I think it's safe to say that the press have more power than Mr Blair likes to imagine he has.
ADAM
Yeah, but we're not talking about that. We're talking about why everyone's fed up.
(He disconnects the call.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
Ok, here's the challenge. I offer a brand new Ford Renault, or a fortnight in the Faliraki of your choice, to anyone who can think of anything which isn't grave cause for concern according to some quarter or province of the media. 0800 20 30 40. It's no wonder we're all nervous wrecks. No matter where you look, there's someone telling us that everything we do or think is wrong. We'll move on to line six. Hello, you're live on Talk FM.
JASON
Oh hi, I was just calling to congratulate you. It's really good.
ADAM
Is it?
(Jason puts the phone down.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
I don't think I've ever had a call like that before. That's quite unnerving. Was he being ironic?
(He pauses. The kitchen door opens and Russell enters.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
We'd better move on quick before I start panicking that people like me. Line one, you're on Talk FM.
(Russell turns off the radio.)
RUSSELL
Do we have the phone number of a good psychiatric hospital?
PAULINE
Yes.
RUSSELL
Because-... what do you mean "yes"?
PAULINE
The mayor sent me a few brochures after the Rotary Club dinner. He's on the board of a couple of them. Sweet man. He was very concerned.
RUSSELL
You did tell him that wasn't my fault?
PAULINE
I expect so. I don't really remember.
RUSSELL
Well that's lovely. Nice to know they've got me down as a nutter at the town hall.
PAULINE
So how's Lucy? Have you two sorted out your differences?
RUSSELL
Oh yes. She talked rubbish, I sat and listened, and we came to the conclusion that everything is my fault.
PAULINE
Good good.
RUSSELL
Good good? Am I the only one who cares that our daughter is currently filing on-the-spot reports from la-la-land?
HELEN
Chill Russ. Lucy's just a non-conformist. Like me. We're all non-conformists where I come from. You have to be if you want to fit in.
RUSSELL
(to Helen)
I'm not talking to you any more.
HELEN
Oooh our first tiff! Well you know the best thing about falling out, Russ? It's the making up afterwards.
RUSSELL
(to Pauline)
Are you going to put up with this?
PAULINE
Me? Why should I care?
RUSSELL
You are my wife.
PAULINE
Don't remind me.
HELEN
Have some pizza, Russ. It's the food of love.
RUSSELL
In that case, no.
HELEN
(to Pauline)
Do we have anything for afters, Mrs M?
PAULINE
I believe there's some ice cream in the freezer.
HELEN
Hmmm... I think I'll pass. Not sure I fancy the contents of Russell's first aid box. I'll go for the emergency back-up instead.
(She stands up and reaches into her back pocket. She pulls out a flattened Jaffa Cake, to which a photo is stuck.)
HELEN (CONT'D)
Oh damn, I've sat on my Jaffa Cakes.
PAULINE
Sounds painful.
(Helen peels the photo away from the Jaffa Cake.)
HELEN
I think cling-film would've been a good idea. Oh well, waste not, want not...
(She starts to lick chocolate from the back of the photo. Russell stares at her.)
RUSSELL
Is that a photo of me??
HELEN
Russell, I would not lick chocolate off your backside if you paid me.
RUSSELL
It is! It's a photo of me!
HELEN
You're hallucinating again, Russ. Calm down.
(She puts the photo back in her pocket.)
RUSSELL
(to Pauline)
I told you, the girl is obsessed with me!
PAULINE
Russell, can't you see Helen is winding you up? She lists it as a hobby on her CV, for goodness sake. The sooner you learn to ignore it, the better.
HELEN
Aww don't say that, Mrs M. I'm not sure I could stand it if your husband ignored me. I'm a woman. I have needs.
RUSSELL
Oh please...
PAULINE
Don't worry Helen, he never listens to me anyway.
HELEN
He should tune in to the radio more, and catch some of your broadcasts.
RUSSELL
(to Pauline)
Oh yes, remind me what your pearl of wisdom was last week? "All extremists should be taken out and shot"?
PAULINE
So you WERE listening?
HELEN
He's a closet fan if you ask me. He'll be phoning in himself next.
RUSSELL
Not unless you slip me another aspirin.
HELEN
I'll bear that in mind.
(Helen stands up.)
HELEN (CONT'D)
Well I suppose I ought to go and see what Lucy's up to really. I can't let you hog me all night, Russ.
PAULINE
All night? You'll be lucky if he lasts five minutes.
RUSSELL
Oh yes, ha-ha, let's all kick a man when he's down.
HELEN
Well you know what they say, Russ, pain is pleasure. I'll put the radio back on for you.
RUSSELL
There's no need, I think I can live without it.
HELEN
It's no problem. Keep yourself pure, I'll be back in a bit.
(Helen turns on the radio, then leaves via the door stage right. After a while, Russell starts eating the pizza.)
ADAM
What a nice man. Moving swiftly on, line three, welcome to Talk FM.
SCOTT
(on the radio)
Oh, good evening Adam, my name's Scott.
ADAM
Good evening Scott.
SCOTT
I see we're coming up to news time, so I'll keep it brief.
ADAM
Ooh, a professional caller, fantastic! Can I leave it with you then? I'll go and get a coffee.
SCOTT
Yeah, I can take you up to the news if you want, no problem.
ADAM
We're looking at 59:50, can you make a note of that? Absorbing the seven second delay... so if you can come out around 59:43, that would be marvellous.
SCOTT
Sure. Who's on this evening engineering for you?
ADAM
Phil's driving the show tonight.
SCOTT
Ok Phil, if you'd like to pre-fade the music, I'll take care of the rest of it for you.
ADAM
You've got a couple of minutes, so what are you going to give us?
SCOTT
Well I'll just tie up the threads of the show for you if you like?
ADAM
Fantastic! Phil, put the kettle on!
(Adam takes off his headphones, stands up, has a stretch, then while Scott is speaking, he wanders over to the studio door, opens it, and is handed a cup of coffee, which he takes, before leisurely making his way back to his chair, sitting down and replacing the headphones.)
SCOTT
Right, well I think that basically we're a nation of pessimists and complainers, as your callers tend to prove, Adam, but I don't think it's really our fault. It's in our breeding. If you think about it, we're descended from the people who DIDN'T go on the Mayflower. In 1620, all the British people with an ounce of pioneering spirit upped and left. They were the optimistic ones, the ones determined to make a better life for themselves, and they did. And their descendants are the Americans, with their 'have a nice day' attitude, and unflagging will to win. But us, we're the offspring of all those people who said "Oooh no, I'm not getting on that boat. The sea's far too choppy. And it looks like rain. I probably won't like it in America anyway. It's probably cold. And I won't like the food. I get terribly seasick anyway, so I think I'll just stay here". Those are OUR forefathers. We're descended from THOSE spineless jellyfish. So is it any wonder we're the way we are?
(He pauses, waiting for a response.)
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Adam..?
(Adam sips his coffee nonchalantly.)
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Anyway... we're coming up to the news... though I'm sure Adam would advise you not to listen to it. Adam..?
(Adam ignores him.)
SCOTT (CONT'D)
It's a contractual obligation though. We have to have news under the terms of our radio license. But you can always put your fingers in your ears. So... not much longer to go now... it's approaching ten o'clock... um...
(Adam puts down his coffee.)
ADAM
Dear oh dear. You're sacked mate. We've still got a minute to go, and you're drying up. We could train a parrot to do better than that. Go on, clear off, I need to set up the next hour anyway.
SCOTT
What did you think of my Mayflower point?
ADAM
Sorry, I wasn't really listening. You need to get used to that if you want to work in radio.
(He disconnects the call.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
Hokey dokey. Well in the next hour we're going to be doing something a little bit different. Two hours of nothing is enough for any man, so we'll be reverting back to traditional radio for a while and setting a topic for discussion. We've had a team of researchers watching Kilroy all week, looking for inspiration, and after a series of high-level production meetings, this is what we've come up with: teenage girls and older men.
(Russell spits out a mouthful of pizza in surprise.)
ADAM (CONT'D)
You know what it's like - an eighteen year old girl, a middle aged man, forbidden love across the generation gap. You're in your fifties, but you're still attractive. Your wife doesn't understand you. Your children disrespect you. But you know you've still got it. And so does the girl next door. Well, we want to hear from YOU. What's it like to be stuck with an unappreciative family, whilst coping with the constant attention of young girls? Tell us. The number's 0800 20 30 40. Start calling now, and we'll see how long we can stick to that subject before we get distracted and start talking about lampshades again. This is the Adam Branch show on Talk FM, we'll be back after the news.
(Pauline picks up the phone and holds it out to Russell. He looks back at her in silence.)
CURTAIN CLOSES
END OF ACT ONE
