FADE IN:
EXT - CITY STREET - NIGHT
A city backstreet at midnight. MARISA, a girl of about 20, walks along the pavement smoking a cigarette. Passing a phonebox, she stops, peers inside, then enters and proceeds to remove the prostitutes' calling cards which decorate the interior. Having done so, she produces a card of her own from her pocket and places it in full view. The card features a scantily clad young lady, accompanied by promises of erotic massage and personal services from a list of willing workers, including the likes of a French Maid, Swedish Beauty, Oriental Model, and a certain Miss Whiplash. Leaving the card on display, Marisa exits the phonebox and tosses the removed cards into a nearby bin, before continuing down the street.
She soon arrives at the entrance to a rundown all-night cafe. The peeling paint of the sign declares it to be "Frankie's". A gay couple stand outside in an embrace. Marisa stops, stubs out her cigarette on the ground, then, noticing the couple, she produces another card and slips it into the back pocket of one of the men. He turns to look at her.
MARISA
A change is as good as a rest!
She pats the man on his rear, then opens the door of the cafe and goes inside.
CUT TO:
INT - FRANKIE'S CAFE - CONTINUOUS
A downmarket cafe. There is a counter, behind which stands FRANKIE, a middle aged man sporting a tatty apron. Two tables are occupied, one by SIMON, a young man of similar age to Marisa, and one by CHARLES, an older gentleman in his sixties. Simon is busy writing on a pad of paper. In contrast, Charles, dressed as a scruffy bearded tramp, is slumped with his head resting on the table, clutching a half empty beer bottle, apparently only semi-conscious. In addition to the main entrance, there is a door behind the counter, and another, marked "Toilets", nearby. The main door opens, Marisa walks in, and approaches the counter.
MARISA
Evening Frankie. Get me a cappuccino will you, extra caffeine.
FRANKIE
Rough night huh?
MARISA
Just a bit. I think I must be giving out a scent which attracts idiots.
FRANKIE
Well I hate to say I told you so.
MARISA
Turns out the berks I've been dealing with up to now were just minor members of the moron royal family. Tonight, I finally met their king. Tell me, who in their right mind goes to a massage parlour for a massage?
FRANKIE
Only the most deluded fool, surely? I mean, "massage", "massage parlour", where's the connection?
MARISA
Well it's nice to know the scent is still working its magic. To think I actually expected an intelligent response from you. What's wrong with me?
FRANKIE
You want the Latin name?
MARISA
It's my own fault for always trying to see the best in people.
FRANKIE
That must be why you have the car sticker which reads "Why do men float? Because they're scum".
MARISA
That's what's known as a joke. And besides, I've met a lot of new and interesting people as a result of that sticker.
FRANKIE
Some of whom have threatened to open fire with automatic weapons.
MARISA
Which proves my point about men. No subtlety. And no sense of humour either. Take this guy today - he turns up and wants to know if we treat neck injuries.
FRANKIE
(to himself)
Talk about putting your head into the lion's mouth...
MARISA
Not that I was surprised - within five seconds of meeting, I already felt the urge to strangle him, so no doubt others had got there before me. But the first rule of public relations: you don't argue with the wallets. So I'm my usual patient and polite self...
Frankie opens his mouth to speak.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Leave it.
Frankie closes his mouth.
MARISA (CONT'D)
... I think ok, fair enough, I'll go with it. So I tell him we have a number of girls with healing hands. Two of whom happen to be Swedish, and they practically invented massage.
FRANKIE
When you say Swedish, what you really mean is...
MARISA
Blonde, yeah. Same difference.
FRANKIE
Well yeah, but one's from Essex and the other bleaches her hair. I don't think they're strictly Scandinavian.
MARISA
Look, do you want this story or not?
FRANKIE
Are you giving me the choice?
MARISA
Not in any real sense, no.
FRANKIE
In that case I'd love to hear it.
MARISA
Good. So... he wants to know if they're qualified osteopaths. Said he'd been involved in a car crash and thought we could help.
FRANKIE
Now that IS a subject you know something about - car crashes. How many points on your license is it now?
MARISA
At least I have a car, unlike some people. You work at night, and travel everywhere underground. People are starting to think you're a mole.
FRANKIE
Nothing wrong with public transport.
MARISA
No, and I'm sure all those baby cows love their veal crates too. Talking of which... got any bagels left? Pastrami?
FRANKIE
Not on hand, but I can make you one up. It'll give me something to occupy my mind while you're talking.
MARISA
Extra pickle too. And don't scrimp on the mayo. I know what you're like. Anyway, this guy... in the end I have to tell him, ok, our girls may not be medically qualified to the highest standards of Harley Street, but I could probably find him one with basic first aid training.
FRANKIE
Or a nurse's uniform at least.
MARISA
Exactly. So I'm being as helpful as I can. And what thanks do I get?
FRANKIE
None?
MARISA
Even less than that. He starts accusing me of false advertising, saying he's going to report me to trading standards. I told him, it's not even my business, I just answer the phones, what do I know about advertising?
FRANKIE
Or standards.
MARISA
So he pulls out one of our cards and tries to claim it's a legally binding contract. I told him, how many legally binding contracts do you find lying around in phone boxes?
FRANKIE
I wouldn't know. I thought everyone had mobiles these days.
MARISA
Turns out he thought Miss Whiplash was a trained chiropractor.
FRANKIE
You mean she's not?
MARISA
I tell you Frankie, if Moron City ever needs a mayor, that guy should apply.
She turns and looks across at Simon, who is still writing at a nearby table.
MARISA (CONT'D)
And I know one man who'd happily vote him in...
She turns back to Frankie.
MARISA (CONT'D)
I see Shakespeare is still gracing us with his presence.
FRANKIE
Yeah, and doing his best to make an 80p cup of coffee last all week. He must be close to the record - I've had Norris McWhirter on the phone.
Marisa picks up her cappuccino and starts to move in the direction of Simon's table.
MARISA
I'll go and give him a talk on the reality of modern business.
FRANKIE
Talking of which, any chance of you actually paying for any of this?
MARISA
Put it on my slate.
FRANKIE
You don't have a slate.
MARISA
Well then, it's about time you started one for me. You should be encouraging customer loyalty.
Marisa walks across to Simon's table. She passes Charles, who grunts and stirs. Marisa looks at him, shakes her head, then seats herself at Simon's table, facing him. She looks directly at Simon without speaking, while he tries hard to ignore her and continue writing. Eventually he is forced to acknowledge her presence.
SIMON
(looking up irritably)
Yes?
MARISA
Nothing.
She takes a sip of her cappuccino. Simon continues writing.
SIMON
(looking up again)
What??
Marisa sips her cappuccino.
MARISA
This seat's not taken is it...?
SIMON
Only by you. And I don't think we'd fit another arse that size on it, would we.
MARISA
Oooh touchy! And there's me trying to be friendly! I was just wondering how the masterpiece is going?
SIMON
Fine.
MARISA
Really? It's just that from here it looks like you're only about... two lines further on from where you were yesterday.
Simon closes his pad.
SIMON
Well that just goes to show what you know about writing, doesn't it. There's a lot more to it than just putting words down on paper.
MARISA
I don't think there is actually.
SIMON
There's character development, plot structure, a whole back story which the audience never gets to see. It all has to be worked out in the finest detail.
MARISA
But all your characters ever say is "Die scumbag" and "Eat lead, bitch". Does that require much development?
SIMON
Look, it just so happens that I'm writing about a subculture of violent criminals. That's how they talk. It's the criminal vernacular.
MARISA
You know, now you mention it, I think you're right. I saw Crimewatch the other night, and it was wall to wall appeals for men looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger who shout "Die, bitch whore from hell!" as they blow away old ladies with machine guns. I believe they even say "kerpow" when they hit someone.
Simon ignores her, and starts writing again, shielding his pad from her eyes.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Still... handy though, isn't it?
SIMON
(after a pause)
What?
MARISA
Well, the fact that your characters happen to be uneducated criminals with limited vocabularies. Makes your job a bit easier...
Simon does his best to ignore her.
MARISA (CONT'D)
... cuts down on the number of deep philosophical speeches you have to write anyway...
He still ignores her.
MARISA (CONT'D)
... I mean, imagine if your criminals had been university English professors, what then...?
Simon bristles and stops writing, without looking up.
MARISA (CONT'D)
You might have to buy a thesaurus...
Simon slams his pen down and opens his mouth to speak, but as he does so, he is interrupted by the sudden movement of Charles, who sits up sharply and exclaims in a loud, well spoken voice.
CHARLES
Marvellous! I really felt I was getting somewhere there! I could feel myself connecting on a deeper level with the spirit of the homeless. Really feeling their struggle.
He motions towards Marisa.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Did you see the way the girl looked at me? Disdainful, pitying, hating almost. I could see it in her eyes - the prejudice... it was chilling.
MARISA
But Charles... I knew it was you. That's how I always look at you. And if you're going to wear that false beard, you should expect it too. You look like a folk singer.
Charles stands up and starts peeling off his beard.
CHARLES
Tools of the trade, my dear. An actor never leaves home without his props.
He picks up his bottle of beer and holds it out in the direction of Frankie.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Get rid of this would you, there's a good chap. Can't stand the smell. How anyone can bear to drink it, I don't know. Smells like a yeast infection.
Frankie takes the beer bottle from him.
FRANKIE
I'll make sure I dispose of it hygienically for you.
He walks back towards the counter, drinking the beer. Charles walks over to Simon and Marisa, and sits down.
CHARLES
(to Simon)
Now my boy, how's my part coming along? Got any speeches for me yet? Something I can really get to grips with?
SIMON
Um...
CHARLES
(to Marisa)
The boy's promised me a part in his film.
MARISA
Oh how lovely! You'll be able to discuss the project together in the dole queue.
CHARLES
Now now, the boy's got talent. He's going places.
FRANKIE
(calling from the counter)
I wish he was.
MARISA
Well it's nice to see a bit of solidarity amongst losers. It's lovely, it really is. As I always say, if you're going to fail, you might as well fail with a friend.
CHARLES
(to Simon)
Ignore her my boy. Now, show me what you've got so far.
Simon closes his pad.
SIMON
Well... it's still very much in the developmental stage. I'm playing with concepts, kicking around ideas, building up themes...
MARISA
Can you say "Die scumbag", Charles?
SIMON
(to Marisa)
Is there any reason you're still here?
MARISA
Just trying to help. I mean, if you're going to start dishing out major film roles, you need to make sure your actors are up to the job.
CHARLES
A trained performer can turn his hand to anything, my dear.
MARISA
I'm sure you're right. Especially if he owns a false beard. Talking of which, how have you got time to branch out into films? Won't it interfere with your cutting edge study of alcoholism on the streets?
CHARLES
That's merely a sideline. A way of expanding my range. Adding another dimension to my craft. Not to mention another line to my C.V.
MARISA
And when the BBC start casting a new primetime costume drama about a boozing tramp, you'll be ready.
CHARLES
Absolutely. Now leave us be - we have things to discuss, and you're stifling the creative atmosphere.
MARISA
Well far be it from me to come between you and your assault on Hollywood. I'll let you two cuddle up on the casting couch.
She gets up and walks back over towards Frankie at the counter.
FRANKIE
Your bagel's here.
MARISA
Thanks Frankie.
FRANKIE
So did you persuade Steven Spielberg there to part with some of his millions and buy a second cup of coffee?
MARISA
Oh sorry, no, too busy discussing the dramatic arts. But get him a large cappuccino anyway, I'll get the money out of him later.
The main door opens and Marisa turns to see who it is. JOHN, a young, smartly dressed man of about twenty, enters the cafe, looking nervous. He scans the room, stops when he sees Marisa, and eyes her up carefully for a few moments.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Take a photo, it'll last longer.
John raises his hand, in which he is clutching a photo. He looks at it, then back at Marisa, comparing the two.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Oh my god, he already has. I think I've got a stalker, Frankie.
FRANKIE
Well you're nobody these days unless you've got a few obsessives going through your bins at night. You must be going up in the world.
John walks over to Marisa.
JOHN
Oh, sorry, for a moment I thought you were someone else.
FRANKIE
You looking for a lost dog?
Marisa picks up a peanut from a bowl on the counter and throws it at Frankie.
JOHN
Oh, no, I'm supposed to be meeting a girl here...
He turns back to Marisa.
JOHN (CONT'D)
...I was just double checking my photo - for a moment I thought it might be you. But it's not...
FRANKIE
(to John)
Lucky escape there mate.
Marisa throws another peanut at Frankie. John looks at his watch.
JOHN
I'm a bit early though. I don't expect she's here yet.
FRANKIE
Well what can I get you while you're waiting, my friend?
JOHN
Um... just a coffee please.
FRANKIE
Right, but all coffees now come with a sixty minute time limit, ok?
JOHN
I'm sorry?
MARISA
Ignore him, he's having a mid-life crisis. So, who's this girl you're meeting then?
JOHN
Oh, her name's Sally. It's kind of a blind date. We met on the internet actually! This will be the first time we've met in person. That's if she turns up!
FRANKIE
Have confidence my friend, of course she'll turn up! It's the second date you need to worry about - you know, after she's met you. No offence.
JOHN
Um... right...
MARISA
(to Frankie)
What do you mean "she"? Get with the programme Frankie, don't you know what the internet's like? No one ever tells the truth about themselves. She's probably a lonely old man trying to meet young boys.
JOHN
I think actually...
MARISA
I heard the other day about some guy who fell in love with an American girl, and when he flew out there to marry her, she turned out to be a 65 year old bisexual who kept the body of her dead flatmate in the freezer.
FRANKIE
Isn't that a bit unhygienic? Stuff could ooze out onto your Mini Milks.
MARISA
I think if you put it on fast freeze you can probably get away with it. But the point is, he was one of the lucky ones. At least she turned out to be female.
Frankie puts John's coffee on the counter.
FRANKIE
(to John, with deep feeling)
Love can be a cruel mistress.
John picks up the coffee and puts the money down in its place.
JOHN
You know, I think I'll go and wait over there.
He turns and takes a step towards the tables. As he does so, Charles, who has been involved in quiet discussions with Simon, suddenly comes to life, holding out an imaginary gun in front of himself and pointing it, ready to fire.
CHARLES
(loudly)
Hasta la vista baby!
John stops. Charles and Simon continue their quiet discussions.
MARISA
(to John)
Don't worry, that's just our little drama workshop. I'll introduce you.
JOHN
No really, it's ok...
MARISA
It's no problem. Ordinarily they don't like to be disturbed, but they always appreciate a bit of input from yours truly. They just don't always show it.
Marisa picks up her bagel and Simon's cappuccino. As she does, she leans towards Frankie.
MARISA (CONT'D)
"Love can be a cruel mistress"???
Frankie shrugs his shoulders. Marisa turns back to John and tries to lead him in the direction of Simon and Charles.
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to John)
What did you say your name was?
JOHN
I didn't. But it's John.
MARISA
Twenty-six letters, a billion possibilities, and your parents came up with 'John'. God, you must feel low.
JOHN
I'm sorry?
MARISA
Don't apologise, it's not your fault.
They reach the table where Simon and Charles are still talking.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Pull up a chair then, but no sudden movements - they're shy creatures and they've been known to bite if startled.
They sit down.
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Simon and Charles)
Not interrupting anything are we?
SIMON
Yes.
MARISA
Good.
She turns to John.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Like I said, they hide their appreciation well.
She turns back to Simon and Charles.
MARISA (CONT'D)
I've got someone for you to meet. This is...
She turns to John.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Sorry, I've forgotten your name?
JOHN
It's John.
MARISA
Oh yeah. This is John.
CHARLES
Oh dear, well we can't all have imaginative parents I suppose.
MARISA
I know. It's sad though isn't it. People make more of an effort naming their goldfish.
CHARLES
That's why we have social services, my dear.
SIMON
A mate of mine's got a pitbull called Dave.
CHARLES
Really? You used to need a licence to own a dog of course. But not children. If you want to have a kid and name him John, there isn't a damn thing the law can do to stop you.
MARISA
I know, it's tragic.
JOHN
For fuck's sake, will you all just shut the hell up about my name??
They all look at John in silence for a moment.
MARISA
Well I hope you're not going to be like this when your girlfriend gets here.
CHARLES
You have a girlfriend?
JOHN
No. Well, yes. Well, I haven't met her yet.
CHARLES
Oh I see... what is it, some kind of arranged marriage?
JOHN
No-
SIMON
Are you Indian?
JOHN
Do I LOOK Indian?
SIMON
You could've converted...
JOHN
What???
John is about to lose his temper, but instead takes a couple of deep breaths.
JOHN (CONT'D)
No... look... can we just start this over again please. I'm really a very calm person. I'm just a little bit nervous tonight, and we've got off on the wrong foot, that's all. Now... how about telling me your names?
MARISA
Well I'm Marisa. And the gormless one here is Simon.
SIMON
I can speak for myself you know.
MARISA
I know, but I do it so much better.
Charles holds out his hand to John.
CHARLES
Charles D Cartwright, actor, pleased to meet you sir.
John shakes his hand.
JOHN
Charles D Cartwright? What's your middle name, 'Discretion'?
CHARLES
No, David. Why do you ask?
JOHN
Um... never mind.
FRANKIE
(calling from the counter)
Hey Marisa, keep an eye on the till for a bit will you, I need to get some stuff from out the back. If anyone tries to rob the place, there's a baseball bat under the counter.
MARISA
I don't know how to play baseball. Have you got a tennis racquet?
FRANKIE
Ha ha. I'll remember that when the police ask me to identify your body.
Frankie disappears through the door behind the counter.
MARISA
(to John)
That was Frankie. As you can see, he's very much a people person. Running this cafe is a form of community outreach for him.
Frankie pops his head back around the door for a moment.
FRANKIE
And tell your playmates to start spending some money - this isn't a charity.
MARISA
(to Simon)
That reminds me, I got you a cappuccino.
She pushes the cappuccino across to him.
SIMON
Oh... that's very kind of you.
MARISA
I know you're too much of a proud man to let me pay for it though, so that'll be one fifty.
She holds out her hand and Simon reluctantly digs the money out of his pocket and pays her.
SIMON
Is it true you're giving the Mafia lessons on extortion?
MARISA
No, they couldn't afford my fee.
JOHN
So...
The others all turn to look at him.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Um... Charles... you say you're an actor? Might I have seen you in anything?
MARISA
That depends. Have you been down the unemployment office lately?
CHARLES
Thankyou my dear. Periods of rest are crucial in my line of work, to recharge the old batteries and remain fresh.
He turns to John.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
As it happens, I had a role in 'The Bill' not long ago.
MARISA
Five years ago...
JOHN
Really? What part did you play?
CHARLES
It was a pivotal role. I played a shadowy, nameless man who, at a critical moment in the story, was able to provide the police with the information they required to apprehend a particularly nasty criminal. Without my character's timely intervention, there would have been no satisfactory denouement.
MARISA
Go on, do your line.
CHARLES
Oh, I don't know...
JOHN
Oh yes, go on, I'd love to hear it, really.
CHARLES
Very well. Give me some space...
He stands up.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
This will only be an approximation. You'd have to see the finished episode to get a proper feel for the atmosphere.
MARISA
Just get on with it.
CHARLES
Ok, here we go...
He takes a few deep breaths, composes himself, then adopts a dramatic stance and holds one arm out, pointing.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
"He went that way."
Charles sits back down, apparently drained by the performance.
MARISA
(to John)
Now do you see what I have to put up with, coming to this place? You meet more normal people in group therapy.
She pauses self-consciously.
MARISA (CONT'D)
So I've heard. Anyway, forget them - I want to know about you and this girl of yours. I could do with someone new around here to get my teeth into.
SIMON
She means that literally.
JOHN
Oh, well her name's Sally, as I said. We met in an internet chat room a couple of months ago, and it's just gone on from there really - you know, e-mails, instant messaging, that sort of thing. I fell in love with the way she types!
He laughs. The others don't.
JOHN (CONT'D)
So we decided it was about time we moved on to the next stage.
SIMON
Sex?
JOHN
No... meeting up. Face to face. For a coffee or something...
MARISA
Have you looked at your watch?
JOHN
Sorry?
MARISA
It's gone midnight. Who in their right mind decides to have their first date at this sort of hour?
SIMON
Vampires?
MARISA
(to Simon)
And of course unemployed film-makers with no life.
SIMON
I'm not unemployed, I'm self employed. There's a difference.
MARISA
Yeah, it puts you in a whole different tax bracket - 'Loser 1' I think it's called. Anyway, be quiet, I'm on the verge of getting something interesting out of John here. I can feel it.
They all look at John intently.
JOHN
Oh... well...
MARISA
I could be wrong of course...
JOHN
No, there IS a reason for us meeting at this time. It was my idea actually. You see, we've always talked on the internet around this time of day - you know, late night - so I thought it would be kind of romantic to meet in person at the same sort of time. Make it just like an online chat, but face to face instead. It seemed a bit more original than dinner and a movie, you know?
CHARLES
Certainly an original choice of venue.
JOHN
Oh, that was down to Sally! Kind of a joke - you know, 'cafe'... 'internet'... 'internet cafe'...! That's just her sense of humour!
No one laughs.
CHARLES
You sound made for eachother.
MARISA
And she's happy to meet in a cheap cafe surrounded by weirdos and idiots is she?
JOHN
You've obviously never visited an internet chat room.
SIMON
I have.
MARISA
Oh there's a shock. Lonely Boy here uses the internet. What is it, Loser.com? www.get-a-life.co.uk?
SIMON
I go to those 3D chat worlds a lot. You know, where you can walk around and talk to people. Dream Island - that's the main one.
JOHN
Oh yeah, I know Dream Island. What's your username - I might've seen you there?
MARISA
Oh my god, what gateway to hell have we opened here? Two internet geeks in the same place. We should get out, Charles, while we still can.
SIMON
I go by the name 'Cyberwolf Doom Master'.
JOHN
Right...
SIMON
How about you?
JOHN
Um... 'John 2'. 'John 1' was already taken.
SIMON
Oh... right...
JOHN
I know it's a boring name...
MARISA
Suits you though.
Frankie emerges from the door behind the counter, carrying a couple of boxes.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Thank god for that. Frankie, save me from Cybernerd Doom Loser... and his lovely assistant... John.
CHARLES
John 2, my dear. John 1 is someone else entirely.
MARISA
True, but I'd be willing to bet they're both big Star Trek fans. Come on Charles, I think there's still a pocket of relative sanity over there.
They stand up and start to make their way over to the counter. Marisa leaves her uneaten bagel on the table, and as she departs, Simon picks it up and starts eating. At the counter, Frankie is filling boxes with various items.
FRANKIE
(to Marisa)
Anything happen while I was gone?
MARISA
Well, a man did force me to hand over a bagel at gunpoint, but he brought it back a couple of minutes later saying he didn't like it - not enough mayonnaise. I told him the sandwiches at Jimmy's are much better, and he left. Apart from that, nothing.
FRANKIE
Oh well, at least he tried this place first. Just goes to show we're still the number one choice for gun-toting bagel thieves. I'll have to mention that in the advertising.
MARISA
You advertise?? Where, in 'Invisibility Monthly'? Look at the place - you could move the business to a phone box and you still wouldn't be full.
FRANKIE
If it's a phone box around here, it'll be full of your mates putting up cards. Now shut up, Charles is about to order something.
CHARLES
Actually old fellow, I ought to be getting off. You know, things to do, people to see...
FRANKIE
I can get you something to take away...?
CHARLES
Probably best not. Food at this time of night - not good for my digestion...
He starts to back away towards the door.
FRANKIE
Coffee then? A nice cup of tea to go?
CHARLES
Caffeine. Not wise at my age. Might never sleep again...
FRANKIE
Mineral water?
CHARLES
I'll be backwards and forwards to that bathroom all night...
He reaches the door, and opens it.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Ask me again tomorrow. Bye all.
He disappears through the door.
FRANKIE
(shouting)
A sodding pork pie then?? Put it away for Christmas! Give it to someone you hate!
The door closes.
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
(to Marisa)
That was your fault. You shouldn't have mentioned the sandwiches at Jimmy's. That'll be where he's gone.
MARISA
Hey, it's not my fault you have the sales technique of a Jehovah's Witness. Anyway, stop bleating, I've got you a quid here - Simon's cappuccino.
She holds out the money.
FRANKIE
Large cappuccinos are one fifty.
MARISA
Yeah, I've taken out my commission. I don't work for nothing.
FRANKIE
No, but apparently I do.
He takes the money from her and drops it into the till.
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
Now make yourself useful and carry one of these boxes out the back for me.
MARISA
Ok, but I get a free bagel, right?
FRANKIE
You've already had one. Now grab hold of this and come with me, it'll only take a minute.
MARISA
You're not the first man to have said that to me.
Frankie dumps one box into Marisa's arms, and picks up another himself.
FRANKIE
Hey Simon, keep an eye on things for a mo will you? We won't be a minute.
MARISA
(to Simon)
And if anyone threatens you, forget the baseball bat, just offer them a part in your film. That should get rid of them pretty quickly.
Marisa and Frankie leave through the door behind the counter.
CUT TO:
INT - STORE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The cafe store room. One corner doubles up as an office, with a small desk, on which sits an untidy clutter of items including a phone, fax, copier, and various piles of paper. In another corner is a large refrigerator which has clearly seen better days. The rest of the room is lined with shelves from floor to ceiling, containing an array of food and catering items. A stepladder leans against the wall.
Frankie and Marisa enter the room, each carrying a large box. Frankie dumps his on the table, picks up the stepladder, and positions it near an area of shelving, before climbing to the top.
FRANKIE
Right, pass me that box, will you?
Marisa hands him the box she was carrying. Frankie places it on the top shelf, and begins taking items from it and arranging them nearby.
MARISA
Now, about my rate of pay...
Frankie stops what he's doing.
FRANKIE
Can you hear anything?
Marisa listens.
MARISA
Apart from the sound of bacteria gently multiplying, no.
FRANKIE
Exactly. Give the fridge a whack for me will you?
Marisa walks over to the refrigerator and bangs it on the side. It groans into life and produces a clearly audible hum.
MARISA
I don't know why you keep this piece of junk. It must be fifty years old, it hasn't worked properly for the last ten of those, and quite honestly it's beginning to smell. Let's face it Frankie, it's the you of refrigerators.
FRANKIE
Well you've answered your own question then, haven't you. Like me, the place wouldn't be the same without it. And besides, it has sentimental value. Reminds me of the great salmonella scare of '86. Do you know, that fridge has been the subject of three environmental health reports, two undercover investigations, and one government enquiry.
MARISA
I'm not sure that's anything to boast about.
FRANKIE
It's a piece of urban history, that fridge.
Frankie finishes unloading the box, and drops it on the floor.
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
Pass me the box on the table will you?
Marisa picks up the box.
MARISA
Next time you want to kill someone with work, I must remember to suggest Simon for the job.
She hands the box to Frankie, then goes and sits on the desk.
FRANKIE
He's alright, Simon, isn't he.
MARISA
This must be a definition of the word "alright" that I'm not familiar with...
FRANKIE
Yeah, but joking aside, he's not a bad lad.
MARISA
Is the thin atmosphere getting to you up there? You complain about him more than I do!
FRANKIE
That's as a customer. As a customer he's shit. But as a human being...
MARISA
He's even worse.
FRANKIE
Admit it, you like having him around.
MARISA
Well it's always nice to have someone to look down on, it's true. I admit I enjoy prodding him. It's like having an everlasting scab to pick at.
FRANKIE
Well there you go then. He's good for you.
MARISA
That's what they say about Brussels sprouts. And they're both equally likely to make me throw up.
FRANKIE
Well he likes YOU, god help him. He's probably out there right now talking about you.
MARISA
Believe me, whatever hideous acts of male bonding may be going on out there right now, it is not going to include a conversation about ME...
