MARISA
Sally, if you were a bloke, I'd marry you.
JOHN
Hands off, I saw her first.
MARISA
(to Sally, but pointing at Simon)
You should have a chat to Moron Boy here. Compare philosophies.
SIMON
I may have a different view, but that doesn't make me wrong. I'm not going to apologise for expressing an opinion.
MARISA
Not when you have so many other things to apologise for, no.
She turns to Sally.
MARISA (CONT'D)
So how about you?
SALLY
Am I a prostitute? No, 'fraid not. I had to give it up - didn't like the dress code.
JOHN
I just love a girl with a sense of humour...
SALLY
(to Marisa)
I'm actually a student. I'm at university.
MARISA
Really? I would've liked to go to uni. I applied to the University of Life, but they turned me down.
SIMON
You shouldn't have bunked off so much from the school of hard knocks.
MARISA
(to Sally)
So what are you studying?
SALLY
I'm doing research into the combined effects of late nights and daytime TV on the young female brain. But unfortunately that's not part of my degree. Officially I'm doing biology and medical ethics.
JOHN
So she can picture me naked, but she knows it would be wrong.
MARISA
Not only wrong, but insane.
JOHN
Thanks. Remind me to bring you on our next date too.
MARISA
Hey, I'm getting on better with your girlfriend than you do. You won't even be coming out with us again unless I say so.
SALLY
Now now kids, don't fight, there's plenty of me to go around.
SIMON
Really...?
MARISA
(to Simon)
But she has to draw the line somewhere, so put your tongue away.
SALLY
(to Marisa)
So what do your parents think of you working at a massage parlour?
MARISA
Well my Mum's dead.
SIMON
The shock killed her.
MARISA
(to Sally)
Excuse me one moment.
She reaches across and gives Simon a hefty clip round the ear.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Ignore Mr Masturbator here, he's just attempting to prove how bad the Grim Reaper's judgement is.
JOHN
So your Mum's really dead...?
MARISA
Yeah.
SALLY
I'm really sorry... I had no idea...
MARISA
Oh don't worry. She died giving birth to me, so I don't even remember her.
SALLY
Even so...
MARISA
It's no problem. If she was anything like me, the world probably couldn't have coped with the two of us anyway.
JOHN
What about your Dad?
MARISA
Oh he's still around. He brought me up on his own, so if I have any faults, it's all down to him.
SIMON
IF you have any faults??
MARISA
I'm not saying I do, I'm just being self-effacing. It's part of my appeal.
SIMON
Geologists all over the world are still mapping your faults.
MARISA
Well I do have one MAJOR fault of course - I'm attracted to you. That's one hell of a character flaw.
Everyone sits in silence for a moment.
SIMON
You are...?
MARISA
Shut up.
JOHN
(under his breath, to Simon)
Told you...
MARISA
So, my Dad... yeah, he's alright I suppose. I can't complain. He's been a good Mum to me.
JOHN
He's in touch with his feminine side then?
MARISA
Yeah. Well, he's a bit of an old woman if that's what you mean. He hasn't been the same since the Gulf War.
SALLY
He fought in the Gulf?
MARISA
No, but he watched it all on TV. Had a thing for Kate Adie. I never did understand it.
JOHN
Must be the 'woman in danger' syndrome.
MARISA
Yeah. Usually all he cares about are legs, breasts and thighs. He's like Colonel Sanders.
SALLY
He sounds a delightful man.
MARISA
Like father, like daughter.
SIMON
It must be like the Waltons at your house. Except there's only two of you.
JOHN
(to Simon)
Good analogy. Works on no level whatsoever, but nice try.
SALLY
(to Marisa)
So he's cool about what you do is he? Or does he think you're working as a nanny to the Von Trapp family?
MARISA
"Cool" isn't a word I'd use in any sentence about him, but yeah, as fathers go, he's ok about it. Tell you what, you can ask him yourself - I'll give him a ring.
She takes a mobile phone out of her pocket.
SALLY
No, I didn't mean you to ring him! I was just curious...
MARISA
It's no problem. I need to give him a call anyway.
She starts dialling.
JOHN
(to Sally)
Oh great, she's going to get her Dad down here now. If he turns out to be violent, you're on your own - I'm not discussing prostitution with a homicidal maniac. I've already been held at gunpoint once tonight.
SALLY
Have you??
JOHN
Er... yeah. What with one thing and another, tonight's been a bit of a Weston.
SALLY
Weston?
JOHN
A super 'mare.
SALLY
Right.
MARISA
Shush, it's ringing...
Marisa puts the phone to her ear. The others sit in silence. Suddenly there's a loud ringing over at the counter. John, Sally and Simon turn as one and look in that direction. Marisa casually ignores it.
Frankie takes out a mobile phone from under the counter, looks at it, and nonchalantly answers the call.
FRANKIE
(on the phone)
Hi babe.
MARISA
(on the phone)
Hi. I wonder if you could do me a favour. Sally wants to know what you think of your only daughter working in a house of ill repute.
FRANKIE
The house of ill repute is what you come home to. You work in a massage parlour.
Marisa puts her hand over the phone and turns to the others at the table.
MARISA
I think he knows.
John, Sally and Simon look at her open-mouthed. Marisa takes her hand away and continues talking.
MARISA (CONT'D)
(on the phone)
So are you disappointed in me then?
FRANKIE
Constantly. But not for that reason.
Marisa puts her hand over the phone again.
MARISA
(to the others)
He's such a proud father. Carries a photo of me in his wallet and everything.
FRANKIE
That photo came with the wallet - it just looks like you.
MARISA
(on the phone)
Hey, how did you hear that? I had my hand over the phone!
FRANKIE
I'm your father, don't question me. Now put Sally on.
Marisa holds out the phone to Sally.
MARISA
(to Sally)
He wants to speak to you.
Sally looks back and forth between Marisa and Frankie.
SALLY
But... he...
MARISA
Quick, before we lose the signal!
Sally takes the phone and puts it to her ear.
SALLY
(on the phone)
Hi Frankie...
FRANKIE
Sally, nice to speak to you. And may I say how nice you're looking tonight?
SALLY
No, you're on the phone.
FRANKIE
Oh yeah. I'd better be quick then - I think my battery's running low. I believe you wanted to ask me something?
SALLY
Yeah. What the heck am I doing here?
FRANKIE
I think you came to meet John.
MARISA
(to Sally)
So now you have, the question is what the heck are you STILL doing here?
FRANKIE
(to Marisa)
Be quiet you - I'm trying to talk to Sally.
Marisa turns and speaks directly to Frankie.
MARISA
Hey stop it, this isn't a speakerphone - you can't talk to me at the same time.
JOHN
Am I the only one finding this SLIGHTLY strange...?
Sally puts a finger in one ear, still holding the phone to the other.
FRANKIE
(on the phone)
Sally, are you still there?
SALLY
(on the phone)
Yeah, I'm here.
JOHN
(answering his own question)
Clearly I am...
FRANKIE
(on the phone)
Good, for a moment I thought we'd been cut off. So, getting back to my daughter...
MARISA
That old chestnut...
FRANKIE
In an ideal world, I'd rather she didn't do what she does. But in that same ideal world, this place would be making money and she could work for me here.
MARISA
Assuming she'd want to...
Still speaking into the phone, Frankie slowly starts to walk over to the others at the table.
FRANKIE
And the simple truth is, there have been times when the cash from that place has kept THIS place afloat. So if she's living off immoral earnings, then so am I. Only worse - I'm living off my DAUGHTER'S immoral earnings. I'm more of a pimp than she is.
MARISA
I am NOT a pimp!
She pauses for a moment, then turns and speaks more softly, directly to Frankie.
MARISA (CONT'D)
And neither are you...
Frankie is still holding the phone to his ear, but talking directly to Marisa now, as he slowly walks towards her.
FRANKIE
I'm not exactly the best dad in the world either.
MARISA
Not a bad mum though.
FRANKIE
Things WILL change my darling, I promise. I know I'm not doing a great job at the moment, but one day...
MARISA
Oh shut up you silly bugger, you're embarrassing me.
She gets up and gives him a hug.
FRANKIE
You sound just like your Mum.
Sally quietly turns off the mobile phone and puts it on the table. They sit in silence for a moment.
SIMON
This is all just a con to get us to spend more money isn't it.
MARISA
Right, that's it, he's dead.
She turns and makes a grab for Simon, in an attempt to throttle him. Frankie does his best to hold her back.
CUT TO:
EXT - CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Outside the cafe. The gay couple are still present. Charles approaches, carrying a small bunch of flowers. The couple notice him, and one of them speaks.
MAN
Oooh, are they for me dear?
Charles remains aloof.
CHARLES
I assure you dear boy, I may be an actor, but that doesn't necessarily make me a homosexual...
He stops, checking his reflection in the window, and adjusting his appearance.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
... and if it did, well I'd like to think I could do better than you.
Satisfied with his appearance, Charles holds up the flowers in front of himself, and opens the cafe door. Shouts are heard, and a bagel comes flying past his head and lands in the street.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
(shaking his head)
Such a waste of good food...
He walks inside.
CUT TO:
INT - FRANKIE'S CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Charles enters through the main door. Marisa and Simon are having a stand up row, with Marisa attempting to throw anything she can lay her hands on. Frankie is trying to calm her down.
MARISA
One of these days I'll kill him, I really will.
Charles takes a few steps forward.
CHARLES
I see things have calmed down in here since I left. And to think I get blamed for all the violent episodes.
Sally turns and sees who it is.
SALLY
Oh my god...
Frankie puts himself between Marisa and Simon.
FRANKIE
(to Marisa)
You, calm down...
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
(to Simon)
... you, SIT down...
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
(to Charles)
... and YOU, you're barred - violation of sandwich code 297 - comestible treason.
CHARLES
It's alright, I come bearing gifts.
He holds up the bunch of flowers.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
For the young lady. A little apology.
He walks over to Sally and offers the flowers.
JOHN
(to Sally)
Is this the man you've been seeing behind my back?
SALLY
Unfortunately, yes.
She takes the flowers, sniffs them, then notices a card attached.
SALLY (CONT'D)
Oh, there's a card...
She removes the card and reads it aloud.
SALLY (CONT'D)
(reading)
"Grandma, gone but not forgotten, with love from all the family."
She looks up.
SALLY (CONT'D)
An interesting choice of words. Not sure it quite gets to the heart of what you're trying to say, but still...
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
Obviously the lock on the cemetery gates is broken again. You're despicable Charles, you really are.
CHARLES
It's called recycling.
FRANKIE
It's called grave robbing.
JOHN
(to Sally)
You could be done for receiving stolen goods.
SALLY
You're just jealous. Another man buys me dinner and brings me flowers, and you can't handle it.
JOHN
I can't compete with gifts like this, it's true.
SALLY
Never mind, you'll meet someone else. Plenty more fish in the sea.
JOHN
Sadly not in the salmon bagels though.
John prods the uneaten bagel with his finger.
CHARLES
Oooh, salmon bagel? Don't mind if I do.
Charles picks up the bagel and takes a bite.
JOHN
Well there's no accounting for taste.
Charles pulls up a chair, and tries to make room at the table.
CHARLES
(to John and Sally)
Budge up, budge up...
He sits down.
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
Is there any reason why I shouldn't throw you straight out again?
CHARLES
Well apart from the fact that I paid for this food, I need to speak to young Simon about our film project.
FRANKIE
Which benefits me how exactly...?
CHARLES
You're not thinking long term, dear fellow. Five years from now there could be a blue plaque on that door, marking this as the birthplace of the decade's top box office hit.
MARISA
Either that, or a sign marking it for demolition.
Marisa sits back down again.
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
Well if you stay, you pay. That's the slogan from now on.
CHARLES
And very catchy it is too.
Frankie walks over to the counter and starts getting some drinks and sandwiches. Charles turns to the others at the table.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
So what have all you little munchkins been up to while I've been gone?
JOHN
Oh we've been having lots of fun risking brain tumours by talking to eachother on mobile phones.
MARISA
And researching my family tree of course.
JOHN
Yeah. Hands up who's spent the last five minutes desperately trying to remember what they've said to Frankie about Marisa behind her back.
John, Sally and Simon all raise their hands.
MARISA
Sally, I haven't turned my back since you arrived.
SALLY
I know. I just have a naturally guilty conscience.
JOHN
(to Sally)
You're such a good Catholic.
CHARLES
(to Marisa)
Oh, so they know he's your father do they?
MARISA
It kinda slipped out.
SIMON
(to Charles)
You knew??
CHARLES
Of course - I'm her uncle.
He pauses for a few moments.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Only joking. Couldn't resist.
MARISA
The mere thought of that being true, Charles, would be enough to push someone over the edge.
JOHN
Oh I don't know - every family needs a mad uncle, if only to annoy people at weddings.
MARISA
I think my family has enough skeletons in the closet, thankyou very much.
SALLY
Figuratively or literally?
MARISA
Both.
SALLY
(to Simon and Charles)
So what's all this about a film project? Are you two in the movie business?
SIMON & CHARLES
(together)
Yes.
MARISA
Oooh, synchronised lying! You HAVE been working hard!
She turns to Sally.
MARISA (CONT'D)
They're in the movie business in the same way Frankie's in the designer restaurant business.
SIMON
(to Sally)
As it happens, until recently, I was working at Pinewood Studios.
MARISA
(to Sally, pointing at Simon)
Tea boy.
SIMON
I was a studio assistant.
MARISA
Who made the tea.
SIMON
If you want to learn the film business, you have to get talking to producers and directors. Fetching them drinks was just a means to an end.
MARISA
(to Sally)
He did so much learning that shares in Ty-phoo went up fifty percent.
SALLY
(to Simon)
That sounds really interesting.
MARISA
(to Sally)
God, you're polite.
SALLY
(to Simon)
So why did you leave?
MARISA
He was fired.
SIMON
I wanted to start work on my own project. I felt I'd stayed long enough for them to give me the knowledge and experience I needed.
MARISA
And the P45 you needed.
SIMON
They encouraged me to go, it's true, but that was only because they recognised that I had what it takes to make it in the business. They saw I had talent, and they knew I was ready to fly the nest and make it out there on my own.
He pauses.
SIMON (CONT'D)
Oh, and they caught me stealing cameras.
SALLY
Oh right...
JOHN
Well if you can't nick stuff from work, what's the point in having a job?
Sally points at Simon's pad.
SALLY
So is that what you're writing - a film script?
SIMON
Yeah. It's an action adventure.
CHARLES
Starring yours truly.
JOHN
You really think you're cut out to be an action hero, do you Charles?
CHARLES
That's rich coming from the boy who was begging me for mercy and asking to be tied up less than an hour ago.
SALLY
Really?
JOHN
(to Sally)
He's got me confused with someone else.
SIMON
Actually, Charles won't be playing the lead.
He turns to Charles.
SIMON (CONT'D)
I've got you down for more of a... supporting role.
CHARLES
Co-star?
MARISA
Back end of a cow?
SIMON
No, I mean it's still a good part, it's just not the lead, that's all.
CHARLES
Well that's ok I suppose. I see myself very much in the Alan Rickman mould - upstaging the star and stealing the movie. It shouldn't be a problem.
SALLY
(to Simon)
I'd love to read some of your script.
MARISA
Me too - I could do with a good laugh.
SIMON
Oh no, it's not finished...
SALLY
I'd be really interested - I did a film-making course at college.
MARISA
Oh great. Is there anyone here who ISN'T trying to break into Hollywood?
JOHN
Film-making's the new rock 'n' roll, babe.
SALLY
Actually, when I say 'film-making course'... it was really just a club we set up to make videos for "You've Been Framed". We thought we could pay our college fees by staging accidents and filming them.
MARISA
It beats bar work I suppose.
SALLY
Didn't work though. We were rumbled when the TV company realised the accident rate for our university was twenty times the national average, and the bride in all our wedding videos was the same girl. They said it was impossible for a nineteen year old to have been married twelve times.
JOHN
They've got a point.
MARISA
(to Sally)
Well it's the kind of experience which could come in useful to Git-Features over here - he's certainly staging a calamity of some kind.
Frankie walks up to the table carrying a tray of drinks and sandwiches.
FRANKIE
Here you are people, tuck in.
He puts the tray down and turns to Charles.
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
And something special for you... the bill.
He pushes the bill into Charles' shirt pocket.
CHARLES
Will you take a cheque?
FRANKIE
Not from you, no.
CHARLES
You'd take the shirt off my back though...
FRANKIE
Only if it's saleable. And worth more than a tenner. Which I doubt.
Charles starts digging in his pocket for some money.
SALLY
Hey Frankie, would you happen to have a fax machine around here?
JOHN
Hey there's an idea! We've done the mobile phone thing, now let's all sit here and fax eachother.
FRANKIE
(to Sally)
I've got one out the back, yeah.
SALLY
With a photocopy function?
FRANKIE
Yeah, I think so.
SALLY
Great!
JOHN
Hurrah! We can all sleep easy in our beds - Frankie has a fax machine! Well I certainly feel better now.
SALLY
(to John)
I could go off you y'know...
JOHN
Just 'cause I don't have a fax machine? You're so fickle.
SALLY
Here's what I thought - Frankie could use his fax to photocopy Simon's script, then we can try out a scene or two, see how it plays.
JOHN
You've got to be kidding.
CHARLES
I think it's a marvellous idea!
SIMON
No way! It's not even finished! And anyway... you'll take the piss.
SALLY
(to Simon)
We won't! Well...
She looks at Marisa.
SALLY (CONT'D)
... SHE might... but the rest of us won't.
MARISA
Moi? I'm the soul of discretion. Admittedly, I'm still suffering from the delusion that this place is a cafe, whereas everyone else clearly knows it's an open audition for RADA, but apart from that I'm tact personified.
SALLY
(to Simon)
So whaddya say?
SIMON
No!
SALLY
Oh come on, it'll be fun!
MARISA
In what sense of the word?
SALLY
(to Simon)
I'll show you my Golden Globes...?
JOHN
What??!
SALLY
(to John)
It's a movie-making expression.
MARISA
You're going about this the wrong way Sally. I know Simon. He's the sensitive type. You need to give him time to get used to an idea. You can't just spring something like this on him. It's like boiling a frog - you have to warm up the water gradually or he'll jump out.
She gets up and puts an arm around Simon.
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Simon)
Ain't that right mate. Me old china. My good rockin' buddy...
She quickly snatches Simon's script out of his hand, and runs a few steps away.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Got it!!
JOHN
I see what you mean - the softly softly approach can work wonders.
Simon stands up and turns towards Marisa, who holds the script away from him.
SIMON
Give that back!
MARISA
Possession is nine tenths of the law.
JOHN
(to Marisa)
You can be done for possession, can't you?
MARISA
I think you only get a caution these days.
Sally stands up.
SALLY
Come on Simon, how about you choose one scene, and we give it a whirl. You can direct. It'll be a laugh!
CHARLES
(to Sally)
Acting is not something to be taken lightly my dear.
SALLY
Well ok, the rest of us can have a laugh, and Charles can treat it like a death scene from Schindler's List. Do we have a deal?
SIMON
If I direct, you all have to do whatever I say...
SALLY
Scout's honour.
MARISA
(to Sally)
Speak for yourself.
SALLY
Marisa!
MARISA
I mean... dyb dyb dyb.
She salutes.
SIMON
Well... ok then...
SALLY
Great!
SIMON
We'll do the hostage scene...
JOHN
Haven't we done that one already tonight...?
Simon takes the script from Marisa and rifles through it, finds the right page, then hands it to Frankie.
SIMON
(to Frankie)
Those pages there.
FRANKIE
Ok. It's 10p a copy though.
SIMON
See my producer over there.
He points to Sally.
SIMON (CONT'D)
(to Frankie)
And don't think about faxing it to anyone. It's my intellectual property.
FRANKIE
I'll try to resist the temptation.
He leaves through the door behind the counter.
JOHN
(to Marisa)
Well...?
MARISA
Well what?
JOHN
Simon described his script as 'intellectual property'. You're not going to let that pass are you?
MARISA
Nah, too easy. It'd be like kicking a puppy dog.
SIMON
Ok everyone, here's the scene. The mob boss has got the hero's girl captured at his hideout. Sally, you can be the girl, and John, you're the lead. You come to rescue her.
CHARLES
What about me?
SIMON
Marisa, you're the femme fatale.
MARISA
Typecast again.
CHARLES
So I'm the mob boss?
SIMON
Um... no. I thought Frankie could play him.
CHARLES
So who am I?
Frankie enters with the photocopied pages.
SIMON
Ah Frankie...
SALLY
That was quick.
FRANKIE
Yeah, I decided not to use the fax machine. Used my laser copier instead.
JOHN
(to Sally)
That'll teach you to be clever.
Simon takes the scripts from Frankie and starts handing them out.
SIMON
Frankie, you're the Godfather.
FRANKIE
Thanks very much. Oh, I see, you mean in the film...
Simon gives the last script to Charles.
SIMON
(to Charles)
That's your bit there.
He points to a section of the script, then walks away. Charles looks at it.
CHARLES
I'm not playing that part. I'm a trained actor.
SIMON
Places everyone! Sally, behind the counter, John and Charles, outside! Come on, chop chop!
MARISA
One moment... am I missing a page? There's no mention of a power-crazed twat in my script...?
SIMON
If you want your Equity card, you'll shut up and do your lines.
MARISA
Shut up AND do my lines? I guess this is what they teach you at drama school, eh Charles?
CHARLES
Can I just say, about my part...
SIMON
No. Now get outside.
MARISA
(to Sally)
I think you've created a monster.
They take their places, John encouraging a reluctant Charles out through the main door. Sally stands behind the counter, Frankie and Marisa nearby. Simon directs from the other side of the room.
SIMON
Ok... cue Frankie, and... action.
Frankie adopts an overly camp voice, with hand gestures to match, and begins reading.
FRANKIE
(to Marisa,)
"Oooh thank gawd for that. I thought those heavies would never leave."
SIMON
Cut! What was that...?
FRANKIE
I feel my character would be gay.
SIMON
He's NOT gay!
FRANKIE
The script says he's wearing leather and carrying a big gun. I think he's insecure about his sexuality.
SIMON
He is not! Look, I wrote the script, so I'm telling you, he's not gay.
MARISA
(to Simon)
Maybe you were subconsciously projecting your own insecurities onto your characters...?
FRANKIE
It can happen.
SIMON
For god's sake, just get on with it.
MARISA
(to Frankie)
He didn't deny it.
SIMON
Come on!!
MARISA
Ok, ok...
She looks at the script.
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Frankie)
"Oh Roberto, you are much man. My bosom heaves for you."
She turns to Simon.
MARISA (CONT'D)
This is a bit incestuous isn't it?
SIMON
You're acting! Get on with it!
FRANKIE
(still camp)
"You're so right, love. Those Ginelli brothers don't know the kind of man they're dealing with."
MARISA
"Oh but I do. You're every inch the man for me."
She turns to Simon.
MARISA (CONT'D)
So she's a fag hag is she?
Simon puts his head in his hands.
FRANKIE
This script works on so many levels.
MARISA
(to Frankie)
And may I say I'm loving your interpretation.
FRANKIE
Thanks presh.
He squeezes Marisa's hand.
SIMON
Will you two just stick to the script!
Frankie turns back to Marisa.
FRANKIE
"And it won't be long before you SEE every inch of me, baby, oiled up and ready to go."
MARISA
I feel quite sick.
SALLY
"You won't get away with this Roberto!"
FRANKIE
"Oh yeah? And who's going to stop me?"
SIMON
Walk over to her, Frankie. We're going for a tight two-shot.
MARISA
Is that legal?
Frankie walks across to Sally.
SALLY
"Oh, just a man called Dirk."
MARISA
Dick?
SALLY
Dirk.
MARISA
Hang on, is this a comedy?
SIMON
Shut up!! Frankie - stage directions!
FRANKIE
Right...
He looks at the script, then goes up to Sally and starts stroking her cheek.
MARISA
Aww, it's like a scene from King Kong.
FRANKIE
"Dirk won't save you now, my pretty."
SALLY
"Damn you Roberto. Why, if my hands weren't tied behind my back, I'd slap you across the face."
She realises she's holding her script out in front with both hands.
SALLY (CONT'D)
Oh... sorry...
She puts her script in her mouth, and her hands behind her back.
SIMON
(shouting)
Cue John!
The main door opens and Charles walks in.
CHARLES
Look, couldn't I play John's part? I really think it's more me.
SIMON
No! Get out!
CHARLES
But it's not fair! You said -
SIMON
John!
John pushes past Charles and enters the room, then bundles Charles, still arguing, out of the door.
JOHN
"Not so fast Roberto!"
SALLY
(spitting the script out of her mouth)
"Dirk!"
John holds out his mobile phone as a makeshift gun, and points it at Frankie.
JOHN
"Move away from the girl, you scumbag."
MARISA
He's got a phone, and he's not afraid to use it.
SIMON
Marisa!
FRANKIE
"Damn you Dirk, you won't take me alive!"
Frankie casually turns the page of the script, and continues reading.
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
Oh...
He wanders over to the nearest table and crouches behind it.
MARISA
With reflexes like that, Dirk don't stand a chance.
SIMON
Marisa, will you stop it!
MARISA
I'm improvising! Haven't you ever heard of Mike Leigh?
John dives behind a nearby table, and starts shooting at Frankie.
JOHN
Bang... bang... bang...
MARISA
I think this is what they call 'Cinema Verite'...
Frankie mimes the use of a bow and arrow and fires at John.
FRANKIE
Twang! Bow and arrow - more environmentally friendly.
SIMON
I don't know why I bothered writing a script...
MARISA
Finally, something we can agree on!
John grabs a sandwich from the nearby table and throws it at Frankie.
FRANKIE
Oy! There are starving people in Africa!
SIMON
(shouting)
Charles!
Charles walks in and stops without saying anything.
SIMON (CONT'D)
Line!
CHARLES
I'm not doing it. It's a stupid part.
SIMON
Look, it may be a bit under-developed at the moment, but I'll flesh it out in the final draft. I promise.
Charles stands in silence.
SIMON (CONT'D)
Come on!!
Reluctantly, Charles stands with his hands out in front, as if holding something, and irritably speaks his line.
CHARLES
"Pizza for Mr Pacino."
Frankie stands up.
FRANKIE
"Oooh pizza!"
John shoots him.
JOHN
Bang!
Frankie dramatically clutches his chest, and staggers around.
SIMON
Die Frankie!
FRANKIE
Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest...
SIMON
That wasn't in the script!
MARISA
You don't say.
Frankie staggers into the centre of the stage, and with a flourish, collapses on the floor.
JOHN
(to Sally)
"Samantha! Thank god you're alright!"
He rushes over to Sally.
SALLY
"Oh Dirk!"
They embrace passionately and start kissing, Sally running her hands through John's hair. She stops for a moment to speak.
SALLY (CONT'D)
(to John)
Are we still acting?
JOHN
No.
They kiss again. Still in eachother's arms, they slide down behind the counter.
MARISA
I thought her hands were tied...?
John pops his head above the counter.
JOHN
I've cut through the red tape.
He disappears again.
SIMON
Ok, cue me!
He leaps up, rushes over to Charles, and shoots him repeatedly with an imaginary machine gun. Charles stands disinterestedly.
MARISA
You've just shot the pizza delivery boy...?
She looks down at her script.
MARISA (CONT'D)
I mean... "Thank god you're here, Hank."
She looks back at Simon.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Hank??
SIMON
Sounds like hunk.
CHARLES
Sounds like wank.
SIMON
Charles, will you die please?
Charles sulkily walks over to the nearest table, picks up a chair, carries it back to where he was standing, and sits down with his arms folded.
CHARLES
(to Simon)
Happy now?
MARISA
I'm really not following this plot.
SIMON
It'll all make sense in the edit. Now come on, read the final stage direction.
Marisa looks at the script, then back at Simon.
MARISA
If you think I'm kissing you in public, you've got another thing coming.
There's a noise over at the counter, and John and Sally stand up, their hair tousled and clothes untidy. John leads Sally out by the hand from behind the counter.
JOHN
Er... we're gonna make a move now if that's ok. It's been... um... real.
MARISA
Same time again tomorrow chaps?
JOHN
Um... we'll let you know.
He tries to lead Sally towards the door.
SALLY
It's been great meeting you all.
She looks at Charles.
SALLY (CONT'D)
Well... most of you.
She turns back to Marisa.
SALLY (CONT'D)
And I'll let you know about that girls' night out.
JOHN
(to Sally)
Come on...!
SALLY
(to Marisa)
He's a bit impatient to get home and... um... feed his guinea pig.
MARISA
Well I've heard some euphemisms in my time...
SALLY
Bye Frankie!
Frankie doesn't move. John continues leading Sally towards the door.
SIMON
We should do this again sometime.
JOHN
We will. Just as soon as Porky Pig gets a pilot's licence.
MARISA
(to John)
You'd better leave us your phone number then - I hear he's passed the theory test already.
JOHN
I could give you my e-mail address.
MARISA
Oh god, if you must.
She picks up Frankie's pad and pen from the counter, and prepares to write.
JOHN
It's John...
MARISA
Yeah...
JOHN
... at...
MARISA
Yeah...
JOHN
... The Good Food Guide...
Marisa stops writing.
MARISA
Very funny.
JOHN
Who said I was joking?
John smiles innocently.
MARISA
This is what I get for being so warm and friendly.
JOHN
(to Sally)
Now come on!
SALLY
See you all soon!
JOHN
Yeah, yeah, missing you already...
They exchange goodbyes as John drags Sally out the door.
CUT TO:
EXT - CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Outside the cafe. John and Sally emerge from inside, and stop for a moment.
SALLY
Do you really work for the Good Food Guide?
John smiles.
JOHN
I'll tell you over breakfast.
They kiss, before walking off down the road, arm in arm.
CUT TO:
INT - FRANKIE'S CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Back inside the cafe. Everybody is positioned as they were a few moments before. Marisa is looking wistfully at the door through which John and Sally left.
MARISA
Ahhh young love. Ain't it wonderful.
SIMON
Certainly is. So what about our screen kiss?
MARISA
If you'd been screened, I'd kiss you.
SIMON
Really??
MARISA
Perhaps. No man is an island.
SIMON
Except men called Barry.
MARISA
True. But no WOMAN is an island. And besides, I want to find out if there's any truth in that graffiti about you.
SIMON
I thought you didn't believe it was my knob?
MARISA
Well I'm keeping an open mind on the subject. If it's accurate, it could be worth my while...
Simon raises his eyebrows.
MARISA (CONT'D)
So is it...?
SIMON
Accurate?
MARISA
Worth my while.
SIMON
Could be. The writing's on the wall...
MARISA
Prove it.
Simon looks at her for a few moments, sussing out if she's serious.
SIMON
Alright.
He grabs her hand, and they run off into the toilets. Charles begins to get something out of his pocket. Frankie sits up and looks at the toilet door as it closes.
FRANKIE
Thank god for that. The trouble I go to just to get that pair together. Took me ages to draw that picture.
He pauses, then turns to look at Charles. Charles produces a sandwich from a "Jimmy's" bag and takes a bite.
FADE OUT
THE END
