CUT TO:
INT - FRANKIE'S CAFE - CONTINUOUS
John and Simon sit at the table as before, talking.
JOHN
So... have you shagged her yet?
SIMON
You what?
JOHN
Marisa.
SIMON
Marisa?
JOHN
Yeah, come on, what gives? There's obviously something going on between the two of you.
SIMON
What? Marisa??
JOHN
Am I talking a foreign language here? Yes, Marisa! Haven't you seen the way she looks at you? The girl's besotted.
SIMON
I think you're confused. Marisa was the girl who just went through that door. You know, the one who calls me a loser every thirty seconds. The one who never misses a chance to point out what a twat I am, and treats me like a pigeon who's just had the nerve to shit on her newly washed car.
JOHN
Exactly. She's flirting with you.
SIMON
By telling me to sod off and die?
JOHN
Well obviously. She's going out of her way to give you attention. If she was ignoring you, then you'd really have something to worry about. But that girl can't get enough of you.
SIMON
And you'd know?
JOHN
I would.
SIMON
Remind me, how long have you been working for Relate?
JOHN
Look, it couldn't be more obvious. She's desperate to get your attention, and this is the only way she knows of doing it. She's trying to get a response out of you.
SIMON
You don't even know her. Or me for that matter.
JOHN
I don't have to. I see this sort of thing a hundred times every night. Girl comes into the room, has a look around, starts trading insults with a particular guy, and within half an hour she's off in a private room booting up his floppy.
SIMON
Hang on. You're talking about the internet aren't you...
JOHN
Well, yeah. But this is no different.
SIMON
Well yeah, except that THAT'S the internet, and THIS is real life! You can't spend all day hanging around online with a bunch of weirdos, and then expect people to behave the same way in the real world.
JOHN
Take a look around you my friend!
Simon looks around at the empty cafe.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Well, ok, maybe not right this minute... there's not actually anyone here... but Simon, we ARE those weirdos! And so is Marisa, and so is everyone that ever walks through those doors! I assume people DO actually come in here sometimes do they...?
SIMON
Let's just say you won't get cold if you sit near the door.
JOHN
Well anyway, my point is that the internet is no different to any other part of life. Everyone you meet online is a real person. They might not be the person they say they are, but what's new? You go to any club on a Friday night - all the men are walking around with Mercedes keyrings, talking about the trial they had for Manchester United, and all the girls are ex models wearing padded bras. Do you see my point?
SIMON
Not really, no.
JOHN
An internet chat room is just a microcosm of society.
SIMON
Who said that, Bill Gates?
JOHN
No, me. But he would've said it if he'd thought of it. The point is, Marisa is no different to a thousand girls I've met online.
SIMON
A thousand?
JOHN
Well alright... three. Maybe four. But the fact remains, she fancies you.
SIMON
I don't know...
JOHN
Come on, you can't deny there's a part of you that would like it to be true...?
SIMON
Maybe...
JOHN
See! This is a romance waiting to happen! Well, a shag waiting to happen.
SIMON
I dunno... I'm not going to declare my undying love to someone who's just finished scraping me off the sole of her shoe.
JOHN
She wouldn't respect you if you did. You don't want to go all champagne and roses on her, you just need to give as good as you get. Engage in a bit of banter. She insults you, you insult her back. Show her you can match anything she throws at you.
SIMON
You're sure about this are you?
JOHN
Trust me, I'm a webmaster.
The door behind the counter opens and Marisa and Frankie enter, Marisa leading the way.
MARISA
Well Frankie, I always hoped that the first time a man asked me to go out the back with him, it would be more exciting than that.
FRANKIE
Hey, I don't believe for a moment that was your first time. You handled those boxes like you knew what you were doing.
MARISA
Oh alright, you got me. I can't deny it - I've been seeing other cafe owners behind your back.
JOHN
(calling from the table, and smiling)
Hi Marisa!
Marisa stops, disarmed by the greeting.
MARISA
Hi... you two look suspiciously chummy. Have you been comparing notes on your favourite porn sites?
SIMON
Yeah. We both knew we'd seen you somewhere before, and now we know where.
MARISA
Oooh! So this is what five minutes of male bonding does to you eh? Loser Boy has come out of his shell. I knew it wasn't safe to leave you two alone.
She walks over to them and sits down, then notices the empty plate on the table.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Hey, what happened to my bagel?
SIMON
The diet police took it for evidence. They're investigating your thighs.
MARISA
(to John)
Have you put something in his drink?
JOHN
No.
MARISA
Well maybe you should. Try rat poison.
JOHN
Oh I don't know... murder may be fun at the time, but you'll hate yourself in the morning.
MARISA
Possibly. But I don't need him as a plaything now anyway - how d'ya fancy being my new best friend?
She puts her arm around John's shoulder. As she does, there's a loud bleeping. Marisa recoils.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Oh my god, he's alarmed!
John pulls out a mobile phone from his pocket.
JOHN
It's a text message. Oh, it's from Sally... she says she's running a bit late.
Marisa leans across to look.
MARISA
No she doesn't. She says she's running a bit "L7".
JOHN
Yeah, that's a joke! You know how you type 'later' as 'L 8 R'...
SIMON
Yeah, I do that. 'C U L8R'. And I use 'brb' - 'be right back' a lot too. And 'lol' - laughing out loud. What else is there...?
JOHN
'I B C N U' - I'll be seeing you!
SIMON
Oh yeah! And 'ADIDAS' - all day I dream about sex!
JOHN
I haven't heard that one.
MARISA
How about 'OMG' - oh my god...
JOHN
Well anyway, one time when Sally and I were talking online, I hit the wrong key and typed 'L 7 R' by mistake. Ever since then, we both use L7R, as a kind of private joke!
MARISA
Well it just goes to show, no matter how sad you are, there's someone out there for you.
They are interrupted by Frankie, who walks up to the table with a notepad in hand.
FRANKIE
Time's up on those beverages gentlemen. What can I get you now?
JOHN
You said sixty minutes. It hasn't been that long.
FRANKIE
Yeah, but tonight's the night we put the clocks forward. You're actually way overdue. Technically I should be charging you more.
JOHN
I can see it's going to be a long night...
FRANKIE
No, a shorter one - I just told you, the clocks are going forward. Now what can I get you?
JOHN
Do you do cream teas?
Frankie takes a pen from behind his ear and begins to write on the notepad.
FRANKIE
One cup of hot water and a tea bag coming right up...
SIMON
I'll have a small coffee.
FRANKIE
(still writing)
... and one large cappuccino.
He walks back over to the counter. The others sit in silence for a moment.
JOHN
So... Marisa... what do you do for a living?
MARISA
An original way to start a conversation, but what the heck, I'll go with it. I'm in public relations John. Operating a call centre, dealing with customers, that sort of thing.
SIMON
You work in a whorehouse.
JOHN
Warehouse?
MARISA
Massage parlour.
JOHN
You're a prostitute???
Marisa looks indignant.
MARISA
Fuck off! That's so typical of men these days - you assume the only way a pretty girl can make a living is by taking her clothes off.
JOHN
I wasn't assuming anything! You're the one who said you work in a massage parlour!
MARISA
So??
JOHN
Well... is there much office work in a brothel...?
MARISA
Look, I answer the phones, I take the bookings, and that's it. I'm not, I never have been, and I never will be, a prostitute.
JOHN
Ok, fine.
SIMON
(to Marisa)
So you're a pimp.
MARISA
What??
SIMON
You act as a go-between, setting up meetings between hookers and their clients, and you take a cut of the money. That makes you a pimp.
MARISA
Fuck off Simon.
SIMON
Just stating the facts.
MARISA
I'm not there forcing anyone to sleep with anyone. What goes on behind those doors is none of my business. They could be discussing flower arranging for all I care. My job is to pick up the phone within three rings, and smile sweetly at anyone who turns up. That's it.
SIMON
And of course collect your fiver commission for every booking you take.
MARISA
It's a job. You get paid. That's how it works. You might know that if you'd ever worked for a living.
JOHN
Anyway...
SIMON
It's immoral earnings! You're making money out of the sex industry for god's sake! Out of women who are are forced to sell their bodies because there are people like you encouraging them to do it!
MARISA
Go fuck yourself Simon.
SIMON
What, so you can make another commission?
MARISA
Fuck you! You know nothing about me or my life. You sit in here every night, the only time you get off your backside is to go and pick up your dole money. You know NOTHING about what people have to do to make a living out there. You think I LIKE my job? You think I WANT to work in a whorehouse?? That place is the saddest fucking place on earth - no one wants to be there, and I mean NO one. Not the girls, not the bastard men who fuck them, and certainly not ME. I'm not there because I have no self respect, I'm there because I have enough respect for myself to want to make something of my life, and not waste it hanging around in dumps like this with people like you. And for that I need money. So you can take your moralising and shove it up your arse.
She stands up, slams her chair against the table, and marches off through the door marked 'Toilets'. John and Simon sit in silence for a few moments.
JOHN
Was that your idea of foreplay...?
SIMON
That was YOUR fault!
JOHN
You're the one who called her a pimp!
SIMON
You called her a prostitute!
JOHN
She said she worked in a brothel! What was I supposed to think, that she just made the tea??
SIMON
No, she answers the phones.
JOHN
I know that NOW!
He pauses for a moment.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I suppose one of us ought to go after her...
John starts to get up, as Frankie approaches with the drinks.
FRANKIE
Leave her for a minute chaps. Believe me, this is nothing. You should see her when she's on her period.
JOHN
Thankyou Germaine Greer...
He sits back down. Frankie puts the drinks on the table.
FRANKIE
Now, service is not included, so dig deep for the waitress retirement fund, gentlemen.
John pays him. Simon reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large handful of small change, which he begins to count.
JOHN
Well that explains the bulge in his jeans...
Simon hands Frankie a fistful of change.
FRANKIE
(to Simon)
What did you do, raid your piggy bank?
SIMON
I had a bit of a win on the penny falls actually.
FRANKIE
And they say gambling's a mug's game. How wrong they are.
Frankie makes his way back towards the counter.
JOHN
Well this is nice. It's the middle of the night, I'm in a run down cafe drinking a cup of hot water and making small talk with Quentin Tarantino and Chef from South Park, and we've succeeded in sending a nice girl to the toilets to slash her wrists. All I need now is for Sally to arrive...
There's a noise behind them and the main door slowly begins to open. They all turn and stare at the door with anticipation. There's a pause, then suddenly a man bursts in, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a gun, which he aims at each of them in turn.
GUNMAN
Nobody move! This is a hold up!
They all freeze. The gunman aims at Frankie, who instinctively raises his hands in surrender.
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
You! I want all the money in the till, and fast.
He pulls a screwed up plastic carrier bag from his pocket and tosses it in Frankie's direction.
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
Here, fill it.
Frankie remains rooted to the spot.
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
Move it! I ain't got all day!
Frankie opens the till and hurriedly starts filling the bag with money. Simon and John have remained frozen at the table, but the gunman suddenly turns and points the gun at John.
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
Not so fast!
John raises his arms.
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
One move and you'll be picking your brains up off the floor. So don't be a hero.
JOHN
(babbling)
I wasn't going to be a hero! I'm not the hero type, honestly. I'm the hiding under the bed type. I played with the girls at school. I cry at the end of Bambi. I own a cuddly aardvark for god's sake! In fact... here, have my money, please, you're welcome to it...
John produces his wallet and holds it out to the gunman.
JOHN (CONT'D)
There's a winning scratchcard in there too.
GUNMAN
How much...?
JOHN
Um... a pound. But you could use it to buy another one. Might win a million!
The gunman takes the wallet at arm's length, aiming the gun at John as he does so. He then takes a couple of steps back and starts looking through the wallet.
JOHN (CONT'D)
If it's not enough, I'll write you a cheque. Just don't hurt me - I've got a date tonight!
The gunman closes the wallet and looks at Simon.
GUNMAN
What about you...?
JOHN
He's got money stuffed down his pants!
SIMON
(to John)
You bastard!
The gunman leans to the side to take a look at Simon.
GUNMAN
Don't think I'll bother... doesn't look like he's got much...
He starts to turn back towards Frankie.
SIMON
Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
The gunman turns back quickly and aims the gun at Simon.
SIMON (CONT'D)
I mean... you're right... please don't hurt us...
Simon nervously raises his arms in the air. The gunman turns back to Frankie.
GUNMAN
Hey!! What were you doing then?
FRANKIE
Nothing, honestly!
GUNMAN
I saw you! You had your hand under the counter! You were pressing a bloody panic button weren't you!
FRANKIE
I don't have a panic button! I was filling the bag like you said, that's all! Here, I've done it!
He holds up the bag.
GUNMAN
Bollocks! You've called the cops, I saw you!
He runs to the window and peers through.
GUNMAN (CONT'D)
God dammit, they'll be here any second.
FRANKIE
Honestly, I haven't called anyone! Look, there's no alarm or anything under here!
The gunman points at John.
GUNMAN
You, you're coming with me.
He marches over to John, puts the gun to his head, and hauls him to his feet.
JOHN
Please! Not tonight of all nights! I haven't had a date in six months! I'm begging you, come back tomorrow, I'll happily be your hostage then. I'll let you tie me up and everything. But not tonight, I'm meeting a girl in five minutes!
GUNMAN
Shut it. And the rest of you, no sudden moves or the kid gets it.
The door to the toilets opens, and Marisa comes strolling in.
SIMON
Marisa! Get back, quick!!
MARISA
I'm not speaking to you until you apologise.
SIMON
But Marisa!!
MARISA
Apologise.
Everyone else is frozen in place, the gunman still holding the gun to John's head.
SIMON
I'm sorry!
MARISA
And...?
Simon looks from Marisa to the gunman, then back to Marisa.
SIMON
Uh... I'm sorry I insulted you and accused you of being a pimp. It was stupid and wrong. And I won't do it again.
MARISA
Ok, apology accepted. You know, I think this could be a watershed in our relationship.
SIMON
Uh... Marisa...!
The gunman coughs to draw attention to himself. Marisa turns and looks at him.
MARISA
I do wish you'd stop acting like a three year old, Charles.
The gunman pulls off his balaclava with one hand, revealing himself to be Charles.
CHARLES
(now in his normal voice)
How did you know it was me?
MARISA
With that sorry attempt at a working class accent, the only question is how these morons DIDN'T know it was you. I mean, come on - "don't be a hero"??? No one says that outside of an episode of Eastenders.
CHARLES
Not true. I read it in the boy's script.
He points at Simon.
MARISA
I think that proves my point about realism.
CHARLES
Still, wasn't bad was it! Had them all fooled! I think that just about puts paid to any doubts about my suitability for the big screen.
Marisa takes the gun from Charles.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Be careful my dear, it's loaded.
Marisa holds the gun casually for a moment, then all of a sudden turns, points it at Simon, and fires. Simon flinches and cries out. Water shoots from the gun.
SIMON
(to Marisa)
Did you know that was a water pistol??
MARISA
No, but I was willing to take the chance.
She smiles playfully.
John turns to Charles, snatches back his wallet, and without saying a word, punches Charles in the stomach. Charles staggers back.
CHARLES
Hey! I thought you were the 'hiding under the bed type'?
JOHN
I'm going to the toilet.
He starts to move towards the toilet door.
MARISA
Wait up John, I'll come with you. There's the strangest bit of graffiti on the wall in there. I want your opinion on it.
John walks through the door marked 'Toilets'. Marisa follows him, leaving the gun on the table. She stops when she reaches the door, and turns around.
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Simon)
And the weirdest thing is... it's about you!
She disappears through the door.
SIMON
What??!
He jumps up and runs through the door after them.
CHARLES
Is it just me, or was my young hostage a little too quick to say I could tie him up...?
Frankie is slowly transferring the money from the carrier bag back to the till, glaring angrily at Charles between each movement. Charles watches him anxiously. When the bag is empty, Frankie slams the till shut, then stops all of a sudden, looking at the bag. He marches aggressively over to where Charles is standing, then stops and holds up the carrier bag, pointing to the words which are printed clearly on the side.
FRANKIE
"Jimmy's Sandwiches"???!!!
CUT TO:
INT - CAFE TOILETS - CONTINUOUS
The ladies toilets. John, Marisa and Simon stand in a line, staring straight ahead at the wall, each with their head tilted at the same angle.
JOHN
It's really quite artistic.
MARISA
The attention to detail is quite something, isn't it.
JOHN
The use of light and shade. It clearly shows talent.
MARISA
It's a major work of art in my opinion.
JOHN
A thing of beauty.
MARISA
You're not wrong.
SIMON
Yes, but why would someone want to draw a picture of my knob?
JOHN
Let's not jump to conclusions. It isn't necessarily yours.
MARISA
Have you noticed the way the bollocks seem to follow you around the room?
SIMON
(to John)
But it says "Simon's Cock"?
MARISA
And the lipstick shading. It's pure genius.
JOHN
(to Simon)
True. But you can't be sure you're the Simon in question. Would you even recognise your own genitals anyway? I mean, let's face it, when have you ever seen them from that angle?
MARISA
Well personally I'm willing to believe that Simon has a close enough relationship with his own cock to recognise a picture of it when he sees it. He probably carries one in his wallet.
JOHN
Along with a little rubber outfit for it.
MARISA
Which has never been worn.
SIMON
Yes yes, very funny, we're all laughing...
MARISA
But I think the point which needs to be made here, is that for a girl to have drawn an accurate picture of Simon's knob, it would first require said girl to have seen it. And the chances that berk-features here has ever been naked with a girl, are frankly slim.
SIMON
Plenty of girls have seen me naked, thankyou very much.
MARISA
Yeah, but we're talking about SINCE you were a baby.
JOHN
(to Simon)
Well personally I think it's just one of life's happy coincidences. You should be pleased you have a namesake walking around with a work of art down his trousers.
SIMON
But it's mine! It's even got the birthmark!
JOHN
That's mildew.
SIMON
But it's in the right place!
MARISA
You have mildew on your knob? Good grief, I am getting so many unwanted mental images here.
SIMON
All I'm saying is, that is an accurate portrayal of my knob. And if you don't believe me, I'll prove it.
MARISA
Touch that zip and I'm calling the police.
CUT TO:
INT - FRANKIE'S CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Charles is sitting on a stool at the counter, drinking a cup of coffee. Behind the counter stands Frankie. Charles' gun still lies on one of the tables.
FRANKIE
All I'm saying is it was a stupid stunt to pull. Anything could've happened.
CHARLES
I was merely playing a role, I wouldn't have hurt anyone.
FRANKIE
You DID hurt someone - me. I had to open the till without ringing up a transaction. Have you any idea how much trouble that causes?
CHARLES
Frankie my dear, I don't give a damn.
FRANKIE
That's a quid in the pun box.
He picks up a charity box from the counter and rattles it at Charles.
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
I'm not having people using language like that in my cafe.
Charles reluctantly places a coin in the box.
CHARLES
Well, at the end of the day, no real harm was done. I gained a valuable insight into the mind of a criminal, and you learnt that you need to beef up your security.
FRANKIE
How exactly does one guard against the global threat of decrepit actors with water pistols?
CHARLES
You could start by serving decent sandwiches.
FRANKIE
So that's why you don't hold up Jimmy's at gunpoint is it?
CHARLES
Some things are worth paying for.
FRANKIE
While others are worth risking your life for - you're lucky I DIDN'T try to stop you. You could've ended up with a knife in your ribs, or a scalding cup of coffee over you.
CHARLES
Your coffee isn't hot enough to scald a newborn baby. And anyway, it was a calculated risk. You were never going to fight back, I know you too well.
FRANKIE
And what about the others? You only met John tonight. For all you know he's armed and dangerous.
CHARLES
That boy is armed with nothing more than a questionable sense of humour and the handshake of a wet fish, believe me.
FRANKIE
All the same, you were asking for trouble.
CHARLES
This is method acting dear boy. It's supposed to have an element of danger.
The main door opens and in walks SALLY, a pretty 19 year old girl with a feminine, arty appearance. She stops for a moment and looks around. Charles sees her and stands up.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Sally...? Is that you...?
SALLY
Sorry... do I know you?
CHARLES
It's me, John!
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
Don't you dare!!
CHARLES
(whispering to Frankie)
Go along with it and I'll order anything you like.
He turns back to Sally.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
It is you isn't it - that sweet face has been burned into my mind since I first saw its angelic features smiling back at me from the computer screen. And may I say Sally, not only do you look like an angel, you type like one too.
SALLY
Um... I'm sorry... I'm not sure I understand...
CHARLES
My appearance? Yes I know. I'm a little older than I led you to believe.
SALLY
You're John?? But your photo...?
She opens her purse, pulls out a photo, and looks at it.
CHARLES
Oh it IS me, I assure you. Taken during my national service, 1955. I realise it's a little out of date, but you know what it's like when you're trying to find a decent photo of yourself. I had to rule out entire albums on fashion sense alone.
SALLY
1955?? But it's taken at Euro Disney..? You're shaking hands with Mickey Mouse..??
CHARLES
That's my wife Marjorie, sadly no longer with us. She's not dead, she's just no longer with us. Moved to Guildford if you must know.
SALLY
But...
CHARLES
Come and sit down my dear. I'll explain everything.
SALLY
No... this is ridiculous... there's got to be some kind of mistake!
CHARLES
Don't be downhearted my sweet. Actors rarely live up to their billing, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't buy a ticket for the show.
SALLY
What?
CHARLES
It's a metaphor. I'm working off the top of my head here.
He ushers her towards a table. She stops when she sees the gun lying there.
SALLY
Oh my god, there's a gun!!
CHARLES
Oh sorry, I shouldn't have left that there. Mind like a sieve.
He picks up the gun and puts it in his pocket. Sally looks on in stunned silence.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
Sit down dear, you're looking a little pale. Take the weight off your feet.
They both sit down.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
I must say it's lovely to meet you at last Sally. You come across so many strange people on the internet these days don't you. Paedophiles... fetishists... Americans... it's so nice to meet someone normal for a change. Only the other day I was saying to my friend Cyberwolf Doom Master...
SALLY
Who?
CHARLES
Cyberwolf Doom Master. He's one of my... chat posse. We've got a bit of an instant message 'thang' going on. In da house. I'm sure you know what I mean.
SALLY
I don't believe so, no...
Frankie arrives with a large tray of food and drink, which he places on the table.
FRANKIE
So that's two large cappuccinos, a smoked salmon bagel with extra mayo, four rounds of vintage cheddar cheese sandwiches, a couple of Belgian chocolate eclairs with extra cream, and some after dinner mints. We'll call it twenty quid.
Charles makes no move to pay.
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
Or I could just see if there's anyone in the toilets who wants to pay...
CHARLES
Twenty pounds it is.
He hands over the money.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
(to Sally)
They may be expensive here...
He looks at Frankie who is walking back towards the counter.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
(in a raised voice)
... some would say extortionate...
He turns back to Sally.
CHARLES (CONT'D)
... but worth every penny. Do help yourself.
SALLY
I'm not very hungry actually. In fact I feel a bit sick. I think I might go to the toilet...
She starts to get up. Charles grabs her arm.
CHARLES
No!! I mean... stay... have an eclair, and let's chat about... oh I don't know... e-mail addresses or something...
SALLY
No really, I'm starting to feel quite unwell...
CHARLES
Probably a computer virus. I believe there's one going around. Have a cheese sandwich.
SALLY
No, could you let go of me please...
She succeeds in pulling away from Charles, and starts to walk quickly towards the toilets.
CHARLES
(waving)
Later babe!
The door to the toilets opens, and in walks Marisa. She stops when she sees Sally.
MARISA
Hey, you're not Sally by any chance are you?
SALLY
Oh my god, not another one!
MARISA
John's in the toilets. He'll be out in a sec.
SALLY
(pointing to the toilet door)
What? He's in there?
MARISA
Yeah, in the Ladies. I just took him in there to show him something.
She pauses for a moment.
MARISA (CONT'D)
What I mean is... there's nothing going on. It wasn't just the two of us. John's in there now with another guy.
She pauses again.
MARISA (CONT'D)
Can I start that again?
CHARLES
(calling from the table)
Oh Sally...?
Charles stands up, reaches into his pocket, and starts to take something out.
SALLY
Everyone down, he's got a gun!!
She dives under the nearest table.
The door to the toilets opens and John enters, his back to the room, in mid conversation with Simon, who is following behind.
JOHN
As I keep telling you, just because the birthmark's in the right place, doesn't necessarily mean it's your knob.
He turns, and stops when he sees Sally crouching under the table. Simon emerges from the door behind him.
SIMON
And as I keep telling YOU, it says...
He raises his hands and makes the sign for quotation marks.
SIMON (CONT'D)
"Simon's...
He stops in mid sentence, suddenly aware of everyone standing in silence. He continues self-consciously, still with his hands in the air.
SIMON (CONT'D)
... Cock".
Charles pulls a packet of sandwiches from his pocket.
CHARLES
Prawn Mayo anyone?
FRANKIE
(to Charles)
So you DID go to Jimmy's!! You bastard!
He marches over to Charles and grabs him roughly.
FRANKIE (CONT'D)
Get out of my cafe, go on! You're lucky I don't call the police!
CHARLES
Prawns are a legal substance, I know my rights.
Frankie marches Charles to the main door, opens it, and throws him out.
FRANKIE
(calling after Charles)
And tell Jimmy his bagels are like teething rings!
He slams the door and turns back towards the counter. The main door immediately opens again and Charles sticks his head around.
CHARLES
So you've tried them then...?
Frankie turns and runs towards the door. Charles quickly withdraws his head and closes the door behind him. Frankie slowly turns and walks back to the counter.
The others stand in silence for a moment, then John bends down to look at Sally, who is still cowering under a table.
JOHN
Sally...?
Sally emerges from under the table.
SALLY
Oh thank god!
She rushes up to John and throws her arms around him.
JOHN
Do you always go this far on a first date?
SALLY
You have no idea how pleased I am to see you. I thought I'd died and gone to hell.
MARISA
Interestingly enough, those are the exact words they use about this place in 'The Good Food Guide'.
SIMON
Yeah, not a bad summing up for someone who hasn't even read the environmental health report.
MARISA
Unless she saw the article in the local paper.
SIMON
What, "Cafe of Doom"?
MARISA
No, the other one. The one that launched the campaign for a five mile exclusion zone.
Sally lifts her head, looking alarmed.
JOHN
(to Sally)
They're joking... I think.
He takes Sally by the hand.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Come on, let's go and sit down.
He starts to lead her towards a table, then notices the tray of food still sitting there.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Oh, have you ordered already?
SALLY
No, that was... actually I don't know WHO he was...
Frankie comes out from behind the counter.
FRANKIE
Help yourselves kids, it's all been paid for courtesy of our friend, Lord Olivier. I'll give the drinks a quick blast in the microwave for you.
He picks up the two cappuccinos and carries them back to the counter. John and Sally sit down. Marisa and Simon wander over to the counter, from where they watch John and Sally.
JOHN
Sorry I wasn't here when you arrived - I'd just popped to the toilet.
SALLY
I'm sorry I was late.
JOHN
L7!
SALLY
Yeah! I missed the bus I was aiming for, and had to wait for the next one.
JOHN
Well, no problem. I knew you'd be here as soon as you could. I didn't mind.
SALLY
I was just praying it wouldn't rain - I came out without my umbrella! I was sure I'd get soaked any minute!
JOHN
Yeah, I think the forecast was for rain. That was a lucky escape!
SALLY
Yeah! Could've been a disaster!
MARISA
(to Frankie and Simon)
Well it's good to see the art of conversation isn't dead.
FRANKIE
Leave them alone.
MARISA
I hope you're making notes Simon - dialogue like this could really pep up your script.
Frankie walks across to John and Sally with their drinks.
FRANKIE
Here you are chaps. Two cappuccinos with my compliments. Need anything else, just give me a shout.
JOHN
Thanks Frankie, will do.
Frankie walks back to the counter, sits down, and starts reading a newspaper.
JOHN (CONT'D)
You can't beat this place for reheated cappuccinos.
Sally laughs.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I'd avoid the warmed up chicken though. The salmonella spoils the flavour.
Sally laughs again.
SALLY
Oh it's so nice to finally meet you John. I liked you the very first time we talked online, but you can never be sure what someone will be like in person.
JOHN
Well I'll admit it's difficult to walk with this axe hidden down my trousers.
SALLY
Oh, believe me, after what greeted me when I came in, I'm happy to settle for a simple axe murderer.
JOHN
Yes... I didn't like to mention it at the time, but why WERE you under that table?
SALLY
Let's just say it seemed like a good idea at the time.
JOHN
So is it something you do on a regular basis? I might want to introduce you to my parents one day, and they're a bit funny about people diving under their furniture.
SALLY
Well I can't make any promises, but I'll try and warn you next time I feel the urge coming upon me.
JOHN
Good. It's always nice to get these things sorted early on a first date, don't you think? We can relax now and enjoy the...
He examines the food in front of him.
JOHN (CONT'D)
... what the heck is it in that bagel? It looks like Play-Doh.
SALLY
I think the chef claims it's salmon. But I'd be willing to bet the fish content isn't particularly high. And before you tuck into that blue stilton, I have to warn you - it's cheddar.
JOHN
Remind me, whose idea was it to meet here...?
SALLY
Hey, it's not my fault if you take my jokes seriously. You were meant to laugh and then book us a fancy restaurant.
JOHN
I never did get your sense of humour. Oh well, at least it gives me an anecdote for my autobiography.
SALLY
I'll look forward to reading it. Make sure you put me in the index though - I don't want to have to read the whole thing.
JOHN
I promise. What did you say your name was again?
SALLY
Sally. Make a note of it - you'll be screaming it later.
They both pause self consciously.
SALLY (CONT'D)
I've embarrassed myself now. I hope you don't think... I mean, I was just...
JOHN
Yeah I know...
There's an awkward silence.
JOHN (CONT'D)
There's such a thing as a verbal contract though, so I may have to hold you to it.
Sally gives an embarrassed laugh.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Wanna go halves on an eclair? I think they may be edible.
SALLY
Sure.
John cuts an eclair in half and they each take a piece. They eat in silence for a few moments.
JOHN
So... have you got any plans for the weekend? I think we're due for some sun.
They are interrupted by Marisa, who starts loudly and deliberately chiming a spoon against the side of a glass.
MARISA
Ohhh unlucky! And just when things were starting to pick up too!
She walks over to John and Sally.
MARISA (CONT'D)
I'm afraid the rules of the game clearly state that mentioning the weather for a second time results in immediate disqualification and the loss of all prizes won so far.
She stands between John and Sally and puts her arms around their shoulders.
MARISA (CONT'D)
But you're a lovely couple, have you enjoyed yourselves?
JOHN
Right up until the moment you put your arm around me.
MARISA
Well never mind, let's see what you would've won...
She turns and looks at Simon, who approaches.
MARISA (CONT'D)
(to Sally)
Well there you are. Just goes to show you're sometimes better off with what you've got.
SIMON
What...?
MARISA
Nothing. Just wondering if I could swap you for a cuddly toy.
She turns back to John and Sally.
MARISA (CONT'D)
You don't mind if we join you, do you? I can only hang out with Neanderthal man for so long before I feel the urge to seek out more intelligent company.
SALLY
(to John)
Well they do say that when you get together with someone for the first time, you should meet in public.
JOHN
When they say 'in public', I'm not sure they mean you should have an audience.
MARISA
Don't worry, I promise to laugh in all the right places and clap at the end.
JOHN
(to Sally)
What do you think?
SALLY
Sure, it'll be like a foursome - a double date.
SIMON
She's not my girlfriend!
MARISA
A hint of regret would've been nice there, but never mind.
SALLY
Oh sorry, I just assumed... I thought you were a couple.
MARISA
Tragically no. We're like Torvill and Dean. The chemistry is undeniable, but at the end of the day we're just skating around the issue, wondering what might have been.
JOHN
That was really quite poetic.
MARISA
So lemme park my arse here will you?
JOHN
Well since you put it like that...
MARISA
Good.
Marisa and Simon sit down at the table.
SALLY
We haven't been properly introduced. I don't even know your names.
Marisa holds out her hand.
MARISA
I'm Marisa. And the moron I can't seem to shake off is -
SIMON
I've told you before, I can introduce myself.
MARISA
Strange how the moment I use the word 'moron', you immediately know I'm talking about you. But ok, have it your way, just don't come crying to me when you can't remember your name.
She turns to Sally.
MARISA (CONT'D)
He refuses to write it on the back of his hand. It's male pride, what can you do?
Simon holds out his hand to Sally.
SIMON
I'm Simon. Pleased to meet you.
Sally shakes Simon's hand, pausing for a moment to examine the back of it.
SALLY
(to Marisa)
I see what you mean!
She turns back towards Simon.
SALLY (CONT'D)
Sorry, only joking! Nice to meet you both. So... Marisa... what do you do for a living?
John and Simon both jump.
JOHN & SIMON
(together)
NO!!!
SALLY
What?
MARISA
Men, they're so highly strung aren't they. You should chill out more, boys.
SALLY
I didn't realise the idea of a woman going out to work was still so shocking these days.
JOHN
Shall we talk about something else...?
MARISA
(to Sally)
I think they're worried I might run amok with a sharpened eclair if anyone mentions my occupation. But personally I don't have a problem with my job. It's other people who have the problem.
SALLY
(jokingly)
Why? You're not a prostitute are you?
John and Simon both groan and bury their heads in their hands.
MARISA
I like you Sally! I wish I had your talent for making men feel uncomfortable! We should go out for a drink sometime.
SALLY
Sure, I'm always up for a girls' night out.
MARISA
Great. But to answer your question, no, I'm not a prostitute. Not unless I apply for promotion anyway. I answer the phones in a massage parlour.
SALLY
Really? Well...
John raises his hand.
JOHN
Frankie! Let's have some drinks over here!
Frankie closes his newspaper, grabs his pad and pen, and approaches the table.
JOHN (CONT'D)
My treat everyone, order what you like. Within reason.
SALLY
A massage parlour... that's really interesting. So tell me Marisa, do you ever get people turning up actually wanting a massage?
Frankie jumps.
FRANKIE
No!!
MARISA
(to Sally)
My god, you can even do it to Frankie! This is fantastic!
JOHN
(to Frankie)
A mineral water for me please, and whatever anyone else wants.
He turns to Marisa.
JOHN (CONT'D)
Marisa...?
MARISA
I'm talking to Sally, don't interrupt.
SIMON
(to Frankie)
I'll have an extra large cappuccino with extra cream, extra chocolatey bits, and a packet of those biscuits on the side. Actually, make it two packets.
JOHN
(to Simon)
Not that you're taking advantage or anything.
MARISA
(to Sally)
To answer your question -
JOHN
Girls...?
SALLY
Just a Coke please.
MARISA
Yeah, me too. No ice.
Frankie scribbles on his pad.
JOHN
(to Frankie)
Got that?
FRANKIE
Yeah yeah, no problem, coming right up.
He walks back to the counter and starts getting the drinks.
MARISA
(to Sally)
Yeah, it has been known for us to get a few idiots turning up at the place. But as all our customers are men, you've got to expect it.
SALLY
Well I think you do a good job.
JOHN
Really?
SALLY
Yeah, sure. I mean, in an ideal world there'd be no such thing as prostitution, but given that there is, it's far better to have those girls off the streets and doing what they do in a safe place.
They all pause for a moment.
